Toddler anxiety/clinginess

[mazmum]

At the beginning of Jan 2007 I took my 2 1/2 yo daughter to playgroup. After a couple of settling in sessions I left her for a short while to see if she would be ok. She wasn't & the playgroup called me to collect her. We tried for a further 4 weeks to settle her and called time on the exercise as her behaviour and moods were being affected by the 'trauma' of going to playgroup. Now, a few weeks after abandoning playgroup, she is excessively clingy wherever we are - home/toddler group/activity - and refuses to join in with other children and just wanting me to pick her up and carry her everywhere. Any thoughts/advice on how to see her through this difficult time would be greatly appreciated!

[Tiny E. A]

My boyfriends son (he has custody so I have alot of contact with him) is this way inclined. When he was 2 1/2 I used to despair that he may never leave his dads side or make friends, he wouldn't play with other children at kids clubs and wouldn't even play on his own unless his dad went with him. He's four now though and goes to nursery happily and plays with other children, he can still be clingy but nowhere near how he used to be.

I'd advise you not to force your daughter to go and play but don't carry her around or pick her up whenever she demands it. As she gets older she'll become more dependant, at the moment though she's probably just not confident enough to leave her mums side. It will get better I assure you.

[monkeemayhem]

hello mazmum, I also have a son the same age as your daughter and have been having EXACTLY the same problem with him. I really feel for you, its so difficult- I wanted to take my son to nursery just to have some social experience with other children (hes an only child and spends most of his time with me). He did exactly the same as your daughter, I spent 6 weeks trying to settle him in, but he'd cry in the session non stop for 2 hours!
I have finally decided not to force him into going to nursery that maybe he was just too young to be going and in a short time he will have to go to primary school anyway so I should enjoy our time together now. What can he learn at nursery he can't with me?!
What I do though is go to a mother and toddler group in my area where I can sit with him while he plays with other children. I also invite a little friend around sometimes to play or offer to take another child to the park with my son. that way he's getting that experience with other children I think he needs.
With regards to the clingyness, all toddlers go through this stage- it isn't neccasarly anything you have done, it just so happened to follow you trying to take her to nursery. Shes just frightened after shes realising things change in her world and you are the only stable thing in it to hold onto for safety.
I have dealt with my sons clingyness by not picking him up when he crys for me and getting him involved in other activities to take his mind off wanting mummy. she has to get used to seeing you leave a room and coming back when you say you will. it is hard, I understand- it will pass though, my son has stopped being so clingy now he understands mummy does come back.

[xanderma]

Sorry this reply is lateish, but I've only just seen your question.

I'd be inclined to leave any thoughts of playgroup for at least 6 months, then consider giving it another try, maybe just after the summer holidays.

Before she starts, speak to the playgroup staff about a phased entry, where the first day you leave her for 5 minutes, then next time 10 minutes and so on. One of your daughter's big fears will be that you're not going to come back, so doing it this way might just reassure her. Try to keep to the 'schedule' even if she cries the whole time, but obviously within reason!

I've seen children do this before, and after a break from the playgroup, they've gone in absolutely fine. Remeber she's only very young, you've plenty of time yet.

Keep us posted. x

P.S. Almost forgot, in answer to your main question, keep on with the toddler groups etc just as normal, and gradually she will build up her 'trust' (for want of a better word) in you again. It'll take a while (been there, I know!) but it will come.

[AnswerStace]

Hope you don;t mind me answering so long after the question was posted. I'm going through the excessive clinginess and separation with my 20 month old now and was looking for similar posts. It's horrid, isn't it?! How did you get on? Its a couple of months later now and I'd be really interested in knowing if and how you resolved it! Thanks

[mazmum]

Thank u all for your replies - its a real comfort to know others have similar experiences. Just to update you all, we have come a long long way since my last message. Following my first message, I decided to stop taking my daughter to all the groups that she seemed to dislike so much and we spent a few weeks just at home, not really going anywhere. This seemed to resettle her, and I also came to realise that perhaps she was bored with the groups that she had been going to since she was 9mths old! We really connected again, and during that time I took her to see children playing in the local school playground at lunchtimes, and explained to her that she would soon be going to nursery. I then checked out LOADS of nurseries and playgroups in my area until I finally found the one I felt was right, and we had gradual settling-in sessions until she was ready to go a whole morning session - she is now so happy to go and we have no tears when I leave her. I make sure she knows I will be back for her when it is lunchtime, and usually there is a little treat waiting for her. I do feel that she has developed hugely in this short time and I think its also good for her to be able to make close relationships with other people apart from mummy, choosing friends that she finds a connection with. Our relationship is still as strong as it was before, and she wants mummy to pick her up and cuddle, but now she is less dominant in commanding my exlcusive attention. The only advice I can give is to always go with your instincts - I knew the first playgroup was the wrong decision, and it just took a while to find the right one for my girl and a bit of time easing her into it. Provided you don't have any time pressures in getting your child settled you can take your time to allow you both to get used to the separation (I still miss her heaps whenever she's not here!).

[AnswerStace]

Hi! I'm so pleased everything turned out ok. Your daughter is very lucky to have such an understanding and patient mum! Well done! Hope we have the same success!