Step Mum - Advice Needed!!

[shinkypink19]

Hi, My boyf has a 4 1/2 year old boy who lives with us half the time, and with his mum the rest.
I'm finding it difficult to 'know my place' i.e. should I go/even consider going along to his parents evenings in school? There isn't a guide book on this, and I wish there was!

Boyf and I both get along fine with 'real mum' xx

[daffy654]

You need to ask the mum about how she would feel if you went to parents evening with them,The best way to handle step-parenthood is to always consider the feelings of the child first,if you were to do anything to upset his mum then it could well affect the child indirectly. If you all get along then she would probably welcome you showing an interest in the child's welfare and school work. Good luck.

[cameo]

I would suggest that you discuss this with your boyfriend. If you would like to go tell your boyfriend this, but also explain that you understand if his ex would rather you didn't.
As his son lives with you half the time and you get on fine with the ex, I don't see a problem with the three of you going together. x

[Hellyon]

If you get along with real Mum why don't you get together with her and tell her exactly what you have said here. You want to build a relationship with her son, but you don't quite know the 'etiquette' and you don't want to undermine her but you would like to participate in his life such as school events. I suspect may be parent teacher consultation would be more appropriate for his 'real' parents but sports day, plays etc you could do.
His Mum should be very pleased that you have both her and her son's best interests at heart and it will be a huge benefit to him to know that so many people care about his well being.

[confused79]

I can speak from a step mum view.
I have three of my own children and one step son who lives with me full time, he even calls me mummy, his mum have never had much involvement in him and he never stays over at hers, only sees her for a few hours once a week.
He is only almost 3 so not at school, when he does go to school it will be me and my partner who will go to parents evenings, although we wont say for instance she CANT go maybe to arrange another day for her, or take back a written report etc.

Im sure if you get on fine with the 'real mum' then you can work something out that is fair to you all, i thinks its nice that you take a good interest in your step daughter.

Speaking on another view, my ex now rings school up and speaks to receptionist about any reports they do two copies one for me and one for him, we take it in turns to gothe parents evening thing.

[confused79]

the last sentence im talking about my own 3 children, sorry just realise it didnt make sense.

[shinkypink19]

Thank you all so much - I think what we are all finding difficult is that none of us know what to do - I talk to my boyf about it a lot - but he doesn't know what to suggest as he doesn't know the 'right' answer...also have mentioned it to 'real mum' who's only concern is that people know she's his mum - and not me.

I don't want teachers/other parents to think we're 'weird' for all going to parents evenings/etc - but it's difficult for me to know my place - sometimes I feel like I'm half in - half out - he spends half his time in our house, I comfort him when he cries, wash his clothes etc etc - but I'm not his 'mum' so I'm not sure what I am!! Thanks for your responses :)

[daffy654]

If she agrees to you going to parents evening then you just need to make the situation clear to the teachers,she should state each person's relationship to the child at the time then nobody will get confused.

[confused79]

You are his step mum albeit your not married but your as good as, and you do all the things for him a mum does.

[Hellyon]

I think the school would be very impressed that you are all three interested parents and it is wonderful for him to know that he is so cared about. I can understand his Mum wanting to make sure everyone knows she's his Mum, perhaps you can come up with a suitable name for you.

[shinkypink19]

i really don't know how to 'label' myself - until now I've always just been his emma - daddy's girlfriend - and I don't count as stepmum as we're not married - and I don't really like that term as a) it's got evil fairytale connotations and b) in some ways I think it encroaches on his mum's role - she's his mum, not me...
It's tricky, but I really do appreciate the responses - I just want everyone to be happy x