Sunday Express Skeleton 15Th December...
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A grandfather dies
I have been on AB before regarding my mother's death and how it impacted on me and my children. My Mother died two and a half years ago. In April this year my father, a much loved grandfather (my children absolutely adored him beyond belief) died aged 87.
At mass in our local church yesterday there was a rendition of a beautiful hymn; I Watch the Sunrise. This hymn was sung at my father's funeral.
The result was my daughter (12) cried uncontrollably, my wife cried, my son(15) buried his face in his hands and I fought to hold back the tears. (Not very well I hasten to add)
This is my mother's death all over again in that I feel unable to support my family as I am struggling to hold back the tears myself.
I would appreciate any pointers AB can send.
At mass in our local church yesterday there was a rendition of a beautiful hymn; I Watch the Sunrise. This hymn was sung at my father's funeral.
The result was my daughter (12) cried uncontrollably, my wife cried, my son(15) buried his face in his hands and I fought to hold back the tears. (Not very well I hasten to add)
This is my mother's death all over again in that I feel unable to support my family as I am struggling to hold back the tears myself.
I would appreciate any pointers AB can send.
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Try not to be too hard on yourself.
I know that you feel that as a parent, it is for you to be 'strong' for your children, but there is nothing wrong in your children watching you grieve as well. It helps them to understand that everyone feels the same way about your dad, and that his pasing is going to take time for everyone to adjust to.
This sort of event - where something will spark of a memory, and bring out the attendent grief, is something that will happen again and again. You should never fight it - give in to your feelings, and all learn to comfort each other.
We British are notoriously bad at grieving - we act as thoguh a month on, everything is back to normal, but it simply doesn;t work that way.
In time you will all be able to talk about your dad without the pain and tears, but while they are htere, let them through, it's good for all of you, it helps and it heals, so don;t fight to control yourself because you feel you have to be the 'strong' one.
You will support your family, but don't push away the notion that they can also support you.
I know that you feel that as a parent, it is for you to be 'strong' for your children, but there is nothing wrong in your children watching you grieve as well. It helps them to understand that everyone feels the same way about your dad, and that his pasing is going to take time for everyone to adjust to.
This sort of event - where something will spark of a memory, and bring out the attendent grief, is something that will happen again and again. You should never fight it - give in to your feelings, and all learn to comfort each other.
We British are notoriously bad at grieving - we act as thoguh a month on, everything is back to normal, but it simply doesn;t work that way.
In time you will all be able to talk about your dad without the pain and tears, but while they are htere, let them through, it's good for all of you, it helps and it heals, so don;t fight to control yourself because you feel you have to be the 'strong' one.
You will support your family, but don't push away the notion that they can also support you.
rite stop being a drama queen !!! your kids nead you get a grip remember ...YOU CARNT CHANGE THE PAST !..you can only look forwards stop the crying and book a holiday and move on... take over and take control... your children are your life... BOOK THAT HOLIDAY !...lifes to short and kids grow up so quick ... so please liston to me... and think about this .... would your mum and dad want youand the kids to be sad and crying ... or happy and enjoying life to the full .....so do what they would want you to do ......the crying is over !!!!!!... its time to enjoy your life both you and wife and kids.. bring that smile back to there life !!!
Everybody deals with death in a different way. Talk about your father, laugh about the stupid stuff that parents do. Do anything but, please, don't bottle it up.
My dad died three years ago. The night I found him was sad and I couldn't stop shaking. My brother arrived the next day and we spent a day looking through paperwork. It was a happy day and a sad day.
Don't be strong, just take things gently - you will find that your children will cope better if you talk to them. Tell them stories about your dad - who cares if you cry! Big boys do cry and there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Best wishes.
Susan
My dad died three years ago. The night I found him was sad and I couldn't stop shaking. My brother arrived the next day and we spent a day looking through paperwork. It was a happy day and a sad day.
Don't be strong, just take things gently - you will find that your children will cope better if you talk to them. Tell them stories about your dad - who cares if you cry! Big boys do cry and there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Best wishes.
Susan
Kilkenny: I share your sadness in loss. The mourning process is begun differently by each of us. However, as you�ve shared that your children are crying, it is clear they are beginning the mourning process. At their young age, teenagers seldom get to face the realities of death and dying. Our society minimises death, to the extent that children sometimes believe it�s just a fantasy.
You may not realise it, but you actually Are helping your children. Rather than robbing them of the right to mourn, you allow them to see your own vulnerabilities and your reactions to loss And love. This is not only admirable, it is healthy.
In our Western culture we have unfortunately developed an extremely unhealthy attitude towards death. We prefer to obfuscate the truth and find euphemisms to describe the event. �Grandma has gone to sleep� or �Grandpa has gone to be with Grandma� or �passed away� are often phrases we use, which can actually be more detrimental to a child than spending a few moments to explain the cycle of life. Within your home, this is an opportunity to reaffirm your own faith and demonstrate that faith to your children; and whilst you are all saddened by your loved one�s death, you celebrate their passing, where there is no pain and suffering.
Continued:
You may not realise it, but you actually Are helping your children. Rather than robbing them of the right to mourn, you allow them to see your own vulnerabilities and your reactions to loss And love. This is not only admirable, it is healthy.
In our Western culture we have unfortunately developed an extremely unhealthy attitude towards death. We prefer to obfuscate the truth and find euphemisms to describe the event. �Grandma has gone to sleep� or �Grandpa has gone to be with Grandma� or �passed away� are often phrases we use, which can actually be more detrimental to a child than spending a few moments to explain the cycle of life. Within your home, this is an opportunity to reaffirm your own faith and demonstrate that faith to your children; and whilst you are all saddened by your loved one�s death, you celebrate their passing, where there is no pain and suffering.
Continued:
Part 2:
However, I encourage you to share personal religious beliefs carefully. Children may fear or resent a God that takes to Heaven someone they love and need. This discussion within the family is very important so the children are not confused or frightened.
During this time of mourning, should your children suggest ideas of ways they need to remember your father, please do not discount their ideas. Allow them to talk freely, but most important allow them to express emotion, howsoever they wish to do this. It is indeed one of the greatest gifts you can offer.
As you have acknowledged your Catholicism, I shall also provide you with a reference link. Perhaps in it, you may find comfort.
http://anglicans.blogspot.com/search?q=I%27m+o nly+dying
I shall hold you and your children in my thoughts and prayers.
Fr Bill
However, I encourage you to share personal religious beliefs carefully. Children may fear or resent a God that takes to Heaven someone they love and need. This discussion within the family is very important so the children are not confused or frightened.
During this time of mourning, should your children suggest ideas of ways they need to remember your father, please do not discount their ideas. Allow them to talk freely, but most important allow them to express emotion, howsoever they wish to do this. It is indeed one of the greatest gifts you can offer.
As you have acknowledged your Catholicism, I shall also provide you with a reference link. Perhaps in it, you may find comfort.
http://anglicans.blogspot.com/search?q=I%27m+o nly+dying
I shall hold you and your children in my thoughts and prayers.
Fr Bill
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