Mother stopping my son from visiting

[halecrater]

Hi there,
My son, who is 14 years, usually comes to stay with my wife and I every other weekend. He has always come to stay a lot during school holidays for weeks at a time etc. Two years ago I stopped paying maintenance to his mother when I became unemployed. She kicked up such a stink about it, that my wife and I resumed paying her for a year (using the overdraft facility on our mortgage). After 12 months we had no borrowing facility left so we again stopped paying her. Then she got on to the CSA who have been very unpleasant, telephoning late at night and early in the morning. Well they did say that as I was unemployed I didn’t have to pay anything. I recently got a job and notified the CSA, my wife also contacted my ex and asked that rather than go through the CSA could we just return to me paying her as we always had done. She got back saying we could, but only if we signed legal forms stating we would repay the missing maintenance that I didn’t pay when I was unemployed. Because we were in a lot of debt already, we got back to her and said no, we would have to continue with the CSA route.
The CSA told me how much I had to pay (which was actually less than what I had always paid!) but I wrote to them with a list of all the dates my son had stayed asking if they had taken this into account when they calculated my payments ?
They eventually got back to me and said his mother had denied he had stayed with us on those dates. Then last month at half-term, my son said he was not allowed to come and stay with us “because mum is upset you might contact the CSA to try and save money”. I have since told my son he is old enough to just come and stay anyway, but he is very scared of her and she often loses her temper with him and shouts. What suggestions do people have ?

[Backdrifter]

tamborine it depends on what payments the CSA set; and we don't know what efforts halecrater has made to secure work. You need to know the details of an individual's case before making comments like "cough up & respect your son"

[tamborine]

lol Norberto. I await the bricks but really....lets get down to basics & stop this mamby-pamby sympathy stuff.

[Norberto]

The ridiculous thing about the CSA payments is that the parent that has the child(ren) living with them could be a multi-millionaire, but the other parent will still have to pay maintenance even if they haven't got the proverbial pot to go in!
In terms of halecrater getting to see his son, was there anything in the divorce settlement regarding access?

[tamborine]

mums are best at home, fetching/carrying etc with kids - they often do work once they get the time. I understand CSA payments are meagre....but get money however till a suitable job comes along.

I see lots of 'casual' work. I wish I could find a casual to dig my garden - I'd pay but no-one knocks.

[bednobs]

i think there is wrong on both parts here
1) the mum should not be witholding the child over a money issue - if the child and father want contact it should be arranged
2)even if you are not working, you should pay something out of benefits for your child. What if the mum had no money? Would you expect her just not to feed your child? i don't think it can be underestimated how much it actually costs just to feed a child let alone house and clothe,
I can see where both parties are coming from on this! My suggestion is to always go through the csa because your ex sounds tricky and might one day say "well he never paid me anything". If it's dont throught hte csa you have proof. If you can afford to pay back what you have missed then do it - you don't know what hardships the mum had to put hwerslef through in that year

[tigwig]

I think some people on here are being very harsh. Halecrater sounds like he has been reasonable to me and it is unfair of his ex to say his son cannot stay anymore. I would suggest meeting and discussing the situation in an amicable way if possible. I know from personal experience how hard unemployment is as my husband (a bricklayer) has struggled with work for nearly 2 yrs now and not because he is a lazy b*stard, far from it. Thankfully he hasn't got any other kids apart from ours together to pay maintenance to. Good luck halecrater I hope you sort this out for your son's sake. Might be worth reminding your ex that he is the one who is getting most hurt out of this.

[ummmm]

Don't listen to Tamborine..!!

[treborrobert]

well first of all its not right to get on the wrong side of CSA ..if they think that your x has been claim CSA when he is not there.. she can get into a lot of problem not just with CSA but also other benifits she is claiming.....
SHE CAN NOT CLAIM FOR A CHILD FOR THE WEEKS HE IS NOT THERE !
so get back in contact with her tell her you wish to continue with contact with your son some weekends and when he is of school... or it will not only be CSA you will contact
and tell her its not all about money and tell her stop calling you ..to your son its not fair on him !