Dealing with questions about starting a family

[Chasingcars]

This time of year we have many a family get together. We were one of 4 couples in our family who got married last year and the only ones who have yet to have a baby/ be pregnant. I had 2 misscarriages last year and no success this year. I am trying my best not to think about it and take peoples advise so that it 'just happens' but whenever we get together the first thing everyone asks is 'no children yet' or 'do you think you will have children''... previously i had always said yes we would like children one day, but i am wondering if i should just be honest and tell people what happened as I feel like im lying to everyone otherwise, and if i tell the truth they may stop asking! (ony close family know about the mc). Its made harder by the fact that a couple of family members are pregnant so would hate to worry them by telling them about my experiences. Would welcome any comments from anyone been in similar situations, thankyou

[ummmm]

I would tell them. I'd try and tell them in a way that you are passing on personal information and not looking for sympathy. I know it's horrible because you don't want to make them feel awkward...but it needs to be said, imo, so you can relax a bit more.

Good luck xx

[Mamyalynne]

Ummmm is perfectly right.

[4getmenot]

no as it may make them feel bad. You said before your answer was 'yes we would like children one day' from what you have said you still think that so tell them that. I personally wouldnt want all family knowing or feeling bad that they asked.

[4getmenot]

plus it would make the pregnant family members feel like they cant be happy about their news.

[ummmm]

Why would it make people feel that? I don't agree.....people will be understanding and sympathetic....There is no taking away from a pregnant womans happiness. Especially if Chasingcars chats about it like she did before she told them..

[nungate]

Take this from a different angle. If you've only been married for a year, what is everyone's rush to get pregnant? Or even to put pressure on you to have a baby. Why not tell them that you hope children will be in your future but you are just enjoying being married for now and still "practising",
why tell people that you are not close to such distressing news, it's as if they are intruding on your personal sorrows. Speaking as one who had a miscarriage I understand your pain, and distress. When the new babies arrive, enjoy them and be happy for your relatives, and try and relax it'll happen when you least expect it - it did for me.

[4getmenot]

thats just my opinion like she asked. Dont know if it would. But surely her answer to question hasnt changed. Bit different if you find out you cant have children, then you would just have to say that. X

[4getmenot]

i get it all the time especially at weddings where all my mates are there with their children. After trying for a while and going through some difficult situations i just say yes id love children.

[4getmenot]

i guess im also one that likes to keep myself to myself and doesnt like sympathy, probably coz my mates have lost close ones and children.

[ummmm]

Didn't know you were trying 4get....best of luck xxx

[4getmenot]

thanks x

[4getmenot]

thanks x

[bednobs]

uurrgghh why are people so bloody rude in the first place, It really is none of their business.
After my two children died, people kept asking me if we'd "try again". What bloody business is it of theirs? i don't ask them about their sex life and contraception habits do i. someone even asked me the day after we'd found out my daughter had died and i hadn't even given birth to her yet! i near;y choked on my tea, because i couldn't even believe it. i have had such gems as "well she wasn't a real person (because she was stillborn) so why are you still so upset" and "it wasn't meant to be" and it probably happened for the best" and about my son "well it's probably for the best"

[bednobs]

ps i also get how frustrating it is when people say just relax and it will happen (even though i have said that myself to people) i tried for 9 years and got fed up of people saying that. I also get pretty sick of people saying "well i know someone who ....." (insert your choice of platitude here)!

[Chasingcars]

Thankyou all for your comments,intersting to see other sides to this.
nungate, in answer to your question, my husband and i got married early last year so have been married nearly 2 years. I wouldnt say we were in a particular rush to start a family but knew very early on we both wanted children so why not start one as soon we we could - we had no reason not to start trying, plus being over 30 now meant time wasnt on my side as maybe it would have been 10 years ago.
bednobs, firstly so very sorry for both of your losses. I do agree with you, i do kind of find the question rather personal, like you say you wouldnt ask someone about their sex life etc unfortunatly it doesnt stop people asking.
I too have had the 'everything happens for a reason' and 'relax, it will happen' comments too many times as well...
My other thought was we all openly discuss people who have died dont we - ie old relatives that pass away so why not openly speak about pregnancy loss too?

[ummmm]

I absolutely agree with that chasingcars...why not talk about them? They had an impact on you and your life. Do what you think is best for you xx

Bednobs....that's outrageous. Do you think it's nervous talk?

[bednobs]

no, i honestly think that the majority of people just don't think, and are in fact just trying to make themselves feel better about it.

[LoftyLottie]

I would never in a million years question people about starting a family. I don't think it has anything whatsoever to do with me. I would certainly not ask my son and his partner. I think it is really rude to ask.

[rowanwitch]

As both my sister and I were childless it became a big issue in my family... I kept my 3 late miscarriages to myself but everyone knew about my sisters... According to my mum it was a tragedy my sister couldn't have a baby....

I was selfish and not a proper woman... people can be incredibly unkind friends phased me out as I wasn't one of the mummy circle and those still trying seemed to treat me as if it was catching... I got to the point where I would see a heavily pregnant woman on the tube and want to push her under the train... My feeling is a vague.. hopefully in the fairly near future...but trying not to rush things and do some fun stuff that would be difficult once a child arrives so folk think you are too busy enjoying yourselves

[ummmm]

I find that incredibly insensitive bednobs.