Typical trickster that I am, I left the birthing suite for a moment and returned wearing a diving mask and snorkel. �Dr. Gold,� I announced, �at your cervix today!� Throughout the birthing process I think I had more pethidine than my wife did. She�d get one whiff, then I�d get three, another for her and four more for me. Eventually they thought they were going to peel me off the walls and all along I was crying, apologising that I�d never touch her with �that thing again.�
�Our� birth was �natural� which meant my wife wore no makeup. I bought her an oversize T-shirt as she felt it would be more comfortable to hike up when she was in the midst of labour. Afterwards, I had a beautiful pale blue nursing gown for her that I found at Harrods.
What tickled me most of all was several days before we were due, my wife was handed an instruction sheet. I absolutely cackled as I read it: it told her that it would be �wise to prepare a meal for me in advance, and leave a few sandwiches for the following day.� It went on to suggest that she could ask neighbours to prepare dinner for me should she have to be in longer. That was many years ago, but truly one of the most hilarious moments of our celebration.
A couple of days later I asked my wife if she could describe the birthing experience to me. I was trying to be in touch with my feminine side I suppose and I think I must have felt slightly left out of at least part of the experience.
I clearly remember what she said: �Hubby, open your mouth�no, wider�WIDER! Can you open it any further?� When I shook my head no she said, �Fine, now shove a piano through it!�
Congratulations on your pending arrival! And don�t forget to tell your hubby to buy lots of nursing pads for you and cater to your every wish and demand! You deserve that and more! Fr. Bill
And don't worry about your 'bits.' Just think of it as a 'no makeup day.' :-)