What to do ?

[silka]

A close family member has turned up again after several years absence. Same old story, no money, in another co dependent relationship, no prospects, and angry at the world.
Any advice offered falls on deaf ears. Each time one picks up the phone it is all about their problems.
Do not want to be unkind, but there seems no way to help and they say this is the life they have chosen , if only they can get a job, can .....so on and so on. It is making me afraid to pick up the phone.

[woofgang]

buy an answerphone and screen your calls.....simples.

[silka]

Thank you, I dont have an answer machine, will look into buying one

[woofgang]

It worked wonderfully well for my Sis in similar circs. She was seriously worried about answering the phone. I made the same suggestion to her and her problem went away.

[silka]

happy to hear that

[joko]

probably depression... it tends to make people somewhat self absorbed but not in a kind arrogant importance way, more just that they are preoccupied with their own issues

[k8bailey]

get caller ID and don't bother answering, people like that have to want to change before anyone can help them.

[starone]

I've got caller id and wouldn't be without it. It only costs me £2.05 a month and well worth it. If the caller is on my speed dial list it comes up with the actual name of the caller as well as the number.

[woofgang]

we decided against caller ID because you can't withhold your own phone number. We are ex directory and like it that way

[starone]

But if silka's relation already has her phone number, there would be no point. My number is also ex-directory and it has not been affected, I am still ex-directory.

[silka]

Hi everyone.
Well I am Ex directory, but after so many years apart I just gave out my phone number.
I believe they are depressed, with many problems, but I don't want to fall out, but at the same time I cant take all the problems, I live alone and cant cope with it.

[chris1957au]

Why not start unloading on him, when he call say im so glad you call and off you go, when he carn't get his issues across and not feel the center of attension he may not call so often, just a thought

[starone]

Everyone has their problems silka, and they should learn to cope with them. You have to cope with yours, not the least living alone, and they should not saddle you with theirs. You must do something positive. I had the same problem - hours listening to a depressive person - and that is why I added caller ID to my phone. You just have to ring your provider, mine is Virgin Media, but BT do the same and ask for it to be added and it happens. Easy!! Then add your relation's name to your speed dial and you will see who is calling you with no effort and be able to ignore it. Depression is catching so act soon or you will find yourself in the same boat.

[lady-janine]

get caller id or an answerphone. just don't take their calls for a few months and then they will soon find someone else to moan to. you have to cope with your own problems and there is only so much help you can give some one else. i presume you are not psychiatrically trained and so the help you can give them is limited. They have to take that step don't let them make life worse for you.

[silka]

Thank you all for your kind and helpful words.
I dont have the answers to help them, it is true.

[sara3]

does this person have mental health issues? it sounds like it to me. do you know if they're getting professional help?

[silka]

They are very complex.
They do have a support system, as in group meetings, so they do have some one to talk to.

[woofgang]

You can still be ex-directory yes but you have to allow your number to be displayed on the caller ID.We didn't want this.