Jealousy towards girlfriend

[evedawn]

My 21 yr old stepson (who loves with us) displays some really worrying traits towards his g'friend. For eg: he doesn't like her wearing makeup, doesn't like other men talking to her, often speaks directly for her etc. I hate this and it worriesme. He doesn't get this from his father (my hub) so where does it come from? I have spoken to him about it but at the same time I can't get too involved as I worry then he willsimply do it surrepticiously. far more dangerous! She is a lovely19yr old who has a "meek" personality. She adores him. Oh and his previous gf (ended two year ago when he was 19) parents were disaproving of relationship And told us he was "controlling" we dud not believe them at the time...but with hindsight! In every other way he is a lovely young
man .... A good son to us. I just worry about hisattitude to g/f :(

[evedawn]

Typo(on my iPhones tiny screen with big fingers lol) my stepson LIVES with us not LOVEs...

[Quassia]

Hi eve,
that can't be healthy can it. I would worry too! He's obviously not too secure in himself & with his relationships.

[evedawn]

Yes v worrying ! He appears to be a super confident young man but... Obviously has some insecurities. Her family live very far away so I feel even more responsible to keep an eye on things. Simply as a woman I find it worrying!!!! And ... I love my stepson dearlybut worry as clearly he has hangups .., :(

[Quassia]

eve, you're right to keep a watch on things. You say your stpsons girfriend adores him .. so she's happy with the relationship as far as you can see? She's not 'scared' in any way? You said she's meek? How long have they been together eve?

[boxtops]

He sounds very insecure in the relationship - will he tell you why? Perhaps he can't believe his luck that he has landed such a lovely young lady. It does sound very controlling behaviour - she is not his possession, he can't tell her what to do like this. Can't his dad talk to him? - that would be a good solution if your hub is close to him. Not our business to know why your hub's first relationship ended but I wonder if it's something to do with his mum not being around, your SS fears that he will lose another female relationship if he doesn't keep control?

[evedawn]

Quassia - "officially" it's s year they've been togethet. But the first nine months in was a long distance internet relationship (interspersed with 3 holidays spent together) but three months ago she moved closer. She is bit "scared" of him at all but I get the feeling she sseeks his approval. Box - my SS mum left his dad(my hub) for another man when my SS was 5. It could explain alot but...,. There is no excuse . After all not every woman ups and leaves her husband and son. Pls understand my SS is not a horrid person - he is generally so kind etc ... I just want to nip this behaviour in the bud.

[evedawn]

Typo again ... Oughta read she is NOT scared of him (rather than "bit"!!!!

[4getmenot]

the only one with bad traits is the girlfriend, she allows him to do this. She should be able to do what she wants.

[RAV1D]

If He keeps treating her this way as She grows up She will just get fed up of it and tell him to do one. I can't see this relationship lasting if He don't put trust in her and let he be herself, If She wants to wear make up it's up to her,She has her own life and He don't own her and She will start to get fed up of being controlled and as She gets into her 20's will get fed up of this and move on.

[Sqad]

I would also be worried.

It is a sign of insecurity.

[NOX]

I was like this when I was younger, really controlling, aggressive and jealous and not a very nice person at all to be in a relationship with. For me it's stemmed from an abusive childhood and a feeling that I wasn't worthy enough for anyone to love me, so I wonder if your ss does feel that way because his mother abandoned him. This behaviour destroyed my first marriage. I would 'speak' for her so that I didn't give her the opportunity to say the wrong thing and worry me, so that I didn't have to deal with awkward uncomfortable feelings that made me depressed and angry. The one thing is that unless he gets whatever issue it is that has affected his self esteem so badly in relationships sorted out, this relationship will flounder. It took me a very long time indeed to sort my head out but I'm such a happier and far better balanced man for it and able to not feel threatened in relationships now.

[RATTER15]

Time she ditched him and moved on, I imagine this type of man will let jealousy rule his life, this behavior can turn very unpleasant indeed!!!

I hate to say it but he sounds like a woman beater in the making!!

[Sqad]

RATTER ;-)

Straight to the jugular....;-)

[NOX]

Working on that theory then Ratter this lad will never be able to have a relationship because of the way HE was treated by someone else when he was a kid. So can I ask you, do you view all abused / abandoned kids as potential wife beaters, because they are all likely to have the same insecurities that lead to this type of behaviour. What this lad needs is some help to realise his own worth in a relationship so he can function normally and properly within one, if she dumps him, it will just reinforce his idea that he's worthless and make his next relationship a REAL disaster.

[evedawn]

Ratter I truly believe that is too harsh '!!! I know my SS and I do not believe he would ever raise his hand. Ever!

[evedawn]

Thank you NOX. You speak from experience. Your comment I deem ad valid and HELPFUL .

[Sqad]

evedawn,

Don't be too hard on RATTER.....I can see his point.

Let us look at the the facts:

He is a young man who is 21 years of age and is of extremely jealous disposition...a very very common situation.
Why is this so?.. Nobody can tell you .....insecurity, abuse ....all just guesses.
An inborn error of emotional biochemistry?....who knows?

What can anybody do abut it .....NOTHING.

This is HIM and this is the way that he will live his life..........by trial and error.

He will get by.

[RATTER15]

I do apologise evedawn, I was harsh. I do believe that an extremely over jealous man can become a wife beater, yes. that is not to say that they all will.

Nox, I don't think that all abused kids will become wife beater but I do think that there is an increased possibility, especially when mixed with jealousy.

I do agree that the lad needs help with these issues before they get out of hand.

Once again I apologise to Evedawn. I do over react sometimes, I know!

[VHG]

Read the book by Lynda Bellingham about her second marriage.

He was Italian, and treated her the same way - controlling, jealous, questioned her about other men, got annoyed when she spoke "out of turn".

And he finished up getting annoyed with her and breaking her nose.

While you may say your stepson would never raise a hand to her - men like this can get very annoyed if their girlfriend will not "obey" them and it can turn into violent rows.

"Controlling" is a sign of insecurity and if he stays like this I can only see this relationship ending as badly as the other one.