Help! I might have to kill my husband ;-)

[nellypope]

I have recently acquired (via c section a baby) she's gorgeous and 6 weeks old! My husband and I also have a two year old! However my husband seems to be unable to do any feeds during the night at all even just the odd one at the weekend. This morning I launched an Avent bottle at him (one of the limited edition pink ones) he keeps promising to do the odd feed "when he can" but these "windows of opportunity" just never seem to arise. And if I hear him say one more time that he's tired (after a 9 hour sleep) I may have to build a new patio and put him under it!

My question is; I know he works, and I certainly wouldn't expect him to do many if any night feeds during the week, but what about the weekends? How have any of you out there coped with similar situations?

[NOX]

My wife breast fed so it didn't really apply in quite the same way to you, however if any of the little ones were ill in the night then I always got up and sorted it out for her, likewise on the very rare occasions they were fractious. You need to sit him down and tell him straight that you're exhausted and need some help because he's being a muppet. Other men do it, he can as well. Congratulations by the way, they're pure lovely at that age:)

[rowanwitch]

Is something else underlying his refusal... fear of hurting the little one or some other anxiety... might be worth a gentle question or two...

[nellypope]

Thanks Nox! She is a little treasure (although I am biased ;-) i was beginning to think I was being unreasonable, and sometimes you just need a good bench mark to go by to find out what everyone else does! Am feeling exhaustion in a new way too :-)

[B00]

Congratulations Nelly! :-)

Was he like this with your 2 year old as well? If so, didn't you already know he'd be like this?

[nellypope]

Rowan I'm really not sure, but to be honest he doesn't get up if my two year old wakes up either! And withou wanting to fill Answerbank with the odour of burning martyr there have been a few nights where Im up at 3am trying to get both kiddie inks back to sleep.

[nellypope]

B00 . . . Ah yes! I will refer you to my latter answer ;-) you're right :-)

[ummmm]

Can't he get up on the weekend mornings and let you have a lie in?

[B00]

Buy a spade, ask him to help you, if he refuses, point at the spade, eyebrow raised and say "you're next...."

[rowanwitch]

It may be he just hasn't properly bonded with them or he doesn't 'do' little ones I think its time for a little heart to heart... and then if he still doesn't doat least something to help... could he take on some other chores instead? stick a bottle up his bum as punishment

[andrew1707]

I was like a walking zombie with our first child. I would go to work, come home put baby to bed, go see to baby, go see to baby, feed baby, walk up and down for 3 hours or so trying to soothe her get 2 hrs sleep, go see to baby, go to work etc for about 3 month. My wife was doing all the rest and she would be exhausted to. We were a team and I am not (yet) under the new patio.

[daffy654]

You just need to tell him straight, or you could just leave the hungry screaming baby in a crib next to him and go and make yourself a cuppa or something ;=)

[Smowball]

From my experience with 4 children I have never had any help with a single night feed. Mind you, I clearly had a knack for picking selfish baskets!!!

[B00]

My memory is a bit sketchy, after all im going back 7 years but im pretty sure Mr Boo used to do the weekend feeds. Mind you, I had to wake him myself, usually with a foot in his back, as he claimed he couldn't hear Mini Boo wailing, yeah right!

[DTCwordfan]

Definitely teamwork is needed.

Even if on the boobs, it is still needed - work, home, bath perhaps for the wee one, make the dinner and clean up, help on the non feeding inc pampers change over, nighttime if not food related.....

Go one stage further than above and slip a neighbour's lad a fiver or tenner to dig you a nice big hole in the lawn - and you could always mount a cross at the head end......

[nellypope]

Lol! Andrew!! Utter genius!:-) yep the constant cycle, feed, colic, feed, sleep ad infinity . . . I'm thinking of booking myself into a Premier Inn tonight! I have to laugh (or else I will cry) I asked him to put my two year old t bed the other night, 15 mins later I heard snoring, he was fast asleep on our bed and my daughter was running around (I can't be sure but she may even have been swinging from the lampshade) in only her pyjama pants, no jim jams having a party with the stuffed cast from The Night Garden.

[daffy654]

I had no help at all with any of my 3 kids, the last one was breast fed so oh couldn't really help with feeds, he never even offered to change a nappy though, or try to comfort our son when he cried but wasn't hungry. I just got on with it as I had no choice.

[DTCwordfan]

Any relatives/close friends that you can call on just to give you some assistance around the house for a couple of hours to allow you to get some rest? Could set up a little netwrk to spread the load.

It really is a shame that we don't have what the Dutch do, the Kraamzorg...
http://www.expatica.c...etherlands_13313.html

[Smowball]

Its simple - you either have a man that will help or you dont. I picked 2 men that promised the earth but the second the babies arrived they then thought "bugger that!" and just refused point blank to help.Was very tough, but I got through it, I had no choice.

[charleybear]

lol i have similar situation with my partner - it must be a man thing - however once i am awake i can never get back to sleep anyways

its a man thing - they think the offer is just as good as actually doing it

[Skyline D]

I took turns doing the feeds at night when ours were at that stage (they are now 2 and 3 and don't need feeds at night thank goodness). We had a system whereby my wife went to bed circa 9pm and I stayed up and fed the baby somewhere round midnight. Then she got up to deal with them at circa 4am or thereabouts before going back to bed and then I got up to deal with the first thing in the morning stuff. That was fine for the first one and worked well but when the second one came along a year later it became very tiring for a while. I look back now and have no idea how I got through it. Particularly any time when I was driving a distance the next day was very difficult.

I never had any issue with taking a turn with nappies though (still don't).

These days the boys don't need fed at night and to be fair they are generally pretty good sleepers but if they do cry in the night or have a coughing fit then it's pretty much always my wife who gets up quite simply because she's a much lighter sleeper than me and will be up and dealing with them long before they wake me.