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My daughter and partner scream and argue all the time....
40 Answers
and it's driving me mad!!!
She is 12 and my partner has been with us since she was 4. We have lived together for 7 years.
My daughter is your typically moody hormonal child and she "back chats" a lot.
Thing is, whereby I say to her to go to her room when she back chats to me, thus defusing the situation, my partner will raise his voice to her, then she answers back even louder and it just escalates from there. It's not just the backchat though, he starts an argument over the slightest thing, like her leaving her yoghurt pot on the table and not taking it in to the kitchen.
I hate it and it really is now getting me down. I have spoken to them both about how it upsets me and I have told my partner to not raise his voice at her because it just makes matters worse and I have told my daughter how disrespectful it is to answerback. I have punished her in the past by not letting her see her friends and taking the laptop/games from her but to no avail, she still does it. I'm at my wits end!
I know this is going to sound bias but, apart from that she is a really lovely girl who is very generous and intelligent and I know some of my friends children are so much worse and I don't think my partner realises how good she is. He always seems to focus on the negatives with her and not the positives. She had a fantastic school report this year but he didn't praise her or anything.
What else can I do?
I know this is a common situation amongst step families, so I am hoping I can get some advice from people in the same boat.
As I am currently working I will periodically look for any answers. So please do not think I am ignoring you.
Many thanks
She is 12 and my partner has been with us since she was 4. We have lived together for 7 years.
My daughter is your typically moody hormonal child and she "back chats" a lot.
Thing is, whereby I say to her to go to her room when she back chats to me, thus defusing the situation, my partner will raise his voice to her, then she answers back even louder and it just escalates from there. It's not just the backchat though, he starts an argument over the slightest thing, like her leaving her yoghurt pot on the table and not taking it in to the kitchen.
I hate it and it really is now getting me down. I have spoken to them both about how it upsets me and I have told my partner to not raise his voice at her because it just makes matters worse and I have told my daughter how disrespectful it is to answerback. I have punished her in the past by not letting her see her friends and taking the laptop/games from her but to no avail, she still does it. I'm at my wits end!
I know this is going to sound bias but, apart from that she is a really lovely girl who is very generous and intelligent and I know some of my friends children are so much worse and I don't think my partner realises how good she is. He always seems to focus on the negatives with her and not the positives. She had a fantastic school report this year but he didn't praise her or anything.
What else can I do?
I know this is a common situation amongst step families, so I am hoping I can get some advice from people in the same boat.
As I am currently working I will periodically look for any answers. So please do not think I am ignoring you.
Many thanks
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Ice, my partner has a few issues - alcohol & anger being one of them; he has since been to the doc's about his drink & anger issues, which appear to be being 'dealt with' but I'm pretty certain one or the other or both are going to rear their ugly heads soon.
I've never quite figured out why he resents my girl, she was 7 when we hooked up and it was difficult in the beginning but she has a condition called dyspraxia, which makes it difficult for her to socially interact and he took it very personally. Anyhow, he became more understanding as she grew, but this past year - he just seems at odds with her all the time, he can't understand why she's not more mature as sadly she is quite immature for her age, she's more like a 11yr old as opposed to 15 and he's just not accepted the fact that she still requires a lot of guidance and care. He's always compared her to other kids - it's just awful, hence I've told him to just butt out of her life.
I've never quite figured out why he resents my girl, she was 7 when we hooked up and it was difficult in the beginning but she has a condition called dyspraxia, which makes it difficult for her to socially interact and he took it very personally. Anyhow, he became more understanding as she grew, but this past year - he just seems at odds with her all the time, he can't understand why she's not more mature as sadly she is quite immature for her age, she's more like a 11yr old as opposed to 15 and he's just not accepted the fact that she still requires a lot of guidance and care. He's always compared her to other kids - it's just awful, hence I've told him to just butt out of her life.
The fact your partner came along when your daughter was at an early age and has supported you both says a lot.
I suspect he's younger than you and he appears to like controlling which is a no no in any family situation.
The fact he likes to put your daughter down speaks volumes, does he have kids of his own and how would he feel if you spoke to them like he does to YOUR daughter ?
Your daughter at her age needs all the support she can get, your partner needs to stop being jealous of her and try to understand her if this relationship stands a chance x
I suspect he's younger than you and he appears to like controlling which is a no no in any family situation.
The fact he likes to put your daughter down speaks volumes, does he have kids of his own and how would he feel if you spoke to them like he does to YOUR daughter ?
Your daughter at her age needs all the support she can get, your partner needs to stop being jealous of her and try to understand her if this relationship stands a chance x
It's a difficult one, I;ve never been in this situation, but leaving a yoghurt pot lying around doesn't seem to me to be serious - or is on a par with him leaving his own spoon on the sofa, which YOU then take into the kitchen. Don't do it, icemaiden - let him see that he can be casual about things too, nobody's perfect.
When they shout and scream, leave the house, go and stand outside the front door and let them see that it's unacceptable behaviour. Don't try and be middleman otherwise you'll always be piggy in the middle. He may be resenting your daughter growing up and developing her own mind - he has to learn that this is natural.
It sounds as if for various reasons your family runs in two halves - perhaps you could do like my neighbours do, they have a weekly meeting which everyone has to attend, to talk about who's doing what in the coming week, and what else needs doing. It works for them, they have to talk civilly to each other at least once a week.
When they shout and scream, leave the house, go and stand outside the front door and let them see that it's unacceptable behaviour. Don't try and be middleman otherwise you'll always be piggy in the middle. He may be resenting your daughter growing up and developing her own mind - he has to learn that this is natural.
It sounds as if for various reasons your family runs in two halves - perhaps you could do like my neighbours do, they have a weekly meeting which everyone has to attend, to talk about who's doing what in the coming week, and what else needs doing. It works for them, they have to talk civilly to each other at least once a week.
It doesn't sound like a very good reason Boxy..but...I think children don't tend to have the same amount of chores as their parents did which makes it very frustrating when they can't manage the simple tasks. Like taking out the pot, bringing their washing down. My kids do it all the time, the difference is, they don't answer me back.
The money thing would drive me nuts. Maybe you have a few other issues with him other than just your daughter and you're just not admitting it.
The money thing would drive me nuts. Maybe you have a few other issues with him other than just your daughter and you're just not admitting it.
There are other issues but this one is the one that needs sorting. He doesn't have children of his own. Wrongly or rightly, in the very beginning of the relationship I didn't expect him to support my daughter. I had bought her up alone for almost five years so letting Someone else take the responsibility as well was hard to for me.
I don't know why he would be jealous of her, I would have to ask him. A weekly meeting sounds a good idea. Will put that to him and see what he says.
I don't know why he would be jealous of her, I would have to ask him. A weekly meeting sounds a good idea. Will put that to him and see what he says.
icemaiden - There is a massive difference between the relationship with a biological father and a step father. Even if your daughter was young when he became involved in her life...4 crutial years had still passed.
Your partner's job as a step parent is to support you as you use your own skill and judgement on how best to discipline your child....not to be the bearer of discipline. It simply will not work, as you have found out.
Your partner's job as a step parent is to support you as you use your own skill and judgement on how best to discipline your child....not to be the bearer of discipline. It simply will not work, as you have found out.
Have only just seen this icemaiden, but as albaquerty suggested in the first answer, i am in a very very similar situation albeit I have a 12 yr old boy. We have actually had a week apart this month because things in general were so bad. Hubby is back now, and things are getting better, but they will never be perfect. If you have a throwaway email address then let me know and I will be happy to chat away with you about this as its a very familiar situation. Big hugs xx
Hi SMowball.
That's very kind of you.
Email address is [email protected]
Look forward to hearing from you xx
That's very kind of you.
Email address is [email protected]
Look forward to hearing from you xx
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