Nursing Homes

[jacklee]

has anyone had to move a loved into a nursing home?
What can I do about feeling guilty although i know this is the best sokution.
Never felt so lonely after bring married 65 years

[beckersjay]

I had to move both of my parents into a high care old people's home and then sell the house that they loved whic brke my mother's heart. My head knows this was the only possible solution and I did all I could to choose the best available home but even now, some time after their deaths, the guilt breaks through. Be kind to yourself and cling to the positive thoughts when you are tempted to beat yourself up.

[woofgang]

No I have never had to do it but in my professional life I have seen it done many times. Its almost always hard, almost always agonising...rarely done without extreme need. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers

[Kiki-frog]

Jack, first of all, I am so very sad to read your post.

You must be so unhappy and tormented with guilt. I know this because I've had to take this terrible decision. Not with my husband, but with both my parents. And I realise it must be a million times worse when it's your spouse. 65 years is a long time to share your life with someone else.

I'm trying not to cry as I type this, as your words have struck such a chord. There's no point in telling you not to feel guilty, because that's what you feel, and that's where you are at the moment. But if it's come to that point and you've had to take that decision, then it won't have been taken lightly. If your circumstances have got so difficult, then you have taken the right choice. And I'm sure you won't have made that choice lightly.

The loneliness must be terrible. For now, all I can say is that there are many people on Answerbank who had had to make similar choices, so there are many of us who understand. xx

[jacklee]

thanks beckersjay and woofgang. Only today my wife accepted that she can't come home and I don't know which of us this hurts most.
Thanks for your kind thoughts.
Bless you

[beckersjay]

However bad it was to move my parents into a home, I can't begin to really comprehend how it would feel if it had been my husband. I too will hold you in my prayers. All I can suggest is that you a) visit when you can and tell your wife how much you love her - I'm sure she knows this already but reassurance will help 2) don't be hard on yourself - it sounds as if this was the only possible choice 3) remember to treat yourself - very important- and keep in touch with any friends and 4) keep in touch with us, especially when you just need to let off steam or have a sympathetic listening ear.

[askyourgran]

Jack my thoughts are with you, it must be heartbreaking to be parted from someone after all those years together. Your decision will have taken much thought for the best interests for your wife's continuing care, it can be exhausting looking after a partner without any respite. Take care of yourself and try to fill the loneliest times of day with something interesting. I hope she isn't too far away for you to visit. There's always someone here to talk to if you feel down.

[Gavmacp]

Dear Jack,
Cannot imagine what you are going through!
As you have said that your wife has accepted that she can't come home I am taking it that it is more her physical health than mental health that is the issue.
First try and pick a home near you so you can just pop in.
There are many ways to keep in touch could she have a phone line in her room?
My wife's uncle is in a home after a stroke and something he said that I have never thought about (I am a nurse) is that there is nothing to tell him what day it is.
When picking a home get the day wrong so you turn up unexpected. Most homes are quite reasonable though you do hear horror stories. But I would want to inspect it when they don't expect me. Walk about and use your nose quite literally!
Bring some things from home to make it more homely.
Something that I thought was good was one home had pictures of the person throughout their life outside their room. The idea is that we tend to see the person as an old person and not as a person. The photographs remind the carers' that the person was young etc.
Growing old can be pretty cr**py at times.
I sincerely hope this helps!

[jacklee]

Thank you all for kind thoughts. Visited this afternoon and found the 'activities' lady trimming my wife's nails and massaging her hands.
Otherwise pretty quiet. Must bring in a TV despite my Minnie protesting that she cannot handle the remote control - at least we could hear something - must have some sort of input into the lonely hours.
Personally, I feel so very tired - sort of anticlimax i suppose - need to get myself out of this rut in which I've been these last 5 years.
Had intended to go to the local Crib club where we both had such good fun - Minnie an excellent player - but changed my mind because of bad weather.
Thanks again - great to hear from you.
Still thinking all the while about my bonny lass and wishing we were together
Goodnight, God Bless
jackmin

[Gavmacp]

Good night and god bless!

[bednobs]

one way you can feel better (?) about it is to think you now have time to be her husband, rather than her carer.