Geordie Humour

[jacklee]

Any Geordies out there?
Any living in exile like me - and sometime wondering how much good old Newcastle has changed?
What's your favourite Geordie joke?
Howay noo
jacklee

[ChillDoubt]

Not a joke as such but a great parody.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FDcplwT-8Q

[Flyhalf]

I'm Scottish, but did my initial technical training in Newcastle, while posted to Durham.

Gordie wins the lottery jackpot, and decides it's too late for him to change, but wants a better life for his son, wor Jackie. So, while he and the missus fly off to the Caribbean, he enrols him in a finishing school.
He says he wants his lad to "talk like them posh folks doon in Lunnon".
Enter a Julian Orchard type: "Rest assured, Mr xxx, we have achieved wonderful results with young people with the most impenetrable accents."
Geordie warns Jackie to be on his best behaviour, and when they get back they'll take him to Disneyland Florida if he does well.
Two weeks later, Geordie and wife roll up to the swanky establishment, and ask the principal how Jackie has fared.
The harassed individual says "divvent taak tae oos about yor laad"!

[coccinelle]

I'm not what you'd consider a Geordie as I'm from the Durham area but I used to work with a few Geordies and went out towning in Newcastle. I still love reading the Geordie Bible and listening to Lindisfarne... .(that's showing my age!!)

[arwyn]

jacklee, go to your question about morse code as it reached the USA.

[jacklee]

Thanks arwyn. had seen the kind reply from USA - small world!
s
Story about old lady went shopping for a packet of Daz.
Told the shopkeeper she was going to wash her pet budgie.
"I wouldn't advise that misuss" he said - "Oh it's ok - my friend uses it all the time and her pet is a real picture"
Old lady was back in the shop two weeks later -"how's the budgie then?" asked the shopkeeper.
"Oh he died" she replied. "told you" said shopkeeper.
"No, no - he looked lovely 'til I put him through the mangle"

My idea of Geordie humour!
Regards
jacklee

[arwyn]

Jacklee have you ever thought about useing Google earth to have a wonder around Newcastle? I know its not upto date but you will still see a massive change from when you lived here.
arwyn x

[jacklee]

Hi arwyn,
Lovely morning - just right for a walk along the seafront at Whitley Bay!
Always colder up there - still miss it after all these years living in Midlands- but there are lots of interesting places to see down here.
Yes, I knew Denton Burn - we used to live on the edge of Gosforth Park.
Usually get into a mess when I try Google anything - but must have another go.
Have a good day
jacklee

[arwyn]

Hi Jacklee, Spanish city in Whitley bay has been boarded up for years so has alot of the shops. Its sad, I'm 50 years old and even I'v seen so much change.
I now live on the edge of Gosforth park in one of the old Minning Villages, can you remember them?

[jacklee]

Me again arwyn!
Sad about the Spanish City - but the weather was always against really developing our lovely coast.
We lived in School Cottages, Sandy Lane - was the vilage school way back,
The back of the house opened into the woods which led right down to the racecourse- great for our kids and the dog.
Do you know where I mean? Was destroyed by squatters not so long ago,
Guess you are somewhere like Dinnington - used to be Dinnington Colliery as well but seem to remember one place having a name change.
And there was Hazelrigg - the nearest store of any size,
I used to travel by bus to Newcastle - fare was threepence halfpenny - how much in today's pence?
Nice chatting to you - helps to cheer me after coming home to the empty house.
Goodnight for now
jacklee

[chrissa1]

When I was a child, we lived in Melton Park which is just south of Wideopen. jacklee.

[gness]

Hi Jacklee...always time in CB for a chat. I know what it's like after years of the company of a partner to come in to an empty house...the time can drag.

Gx

[jacklee]

Hi Chrissa1. I remember Melton Park being built and thought what a posh place it was!
Wideopen was well named - used to walk my dog up to the post office and it could be quite nippy.
I guess that little railway doesn't cross the North Road any more - no level crossing but a bloke used to appear waving a red flag and hold up all the traffic - can you imagine!
Remember too when they sank a new mine shaft at the bottom of Sandy lane - 1500 feet - but we all had coal fires then.
nice to meet you
jacklee

[jacklee]

Hallo gness,
Can't believe how busy you are all keeping me tonight. Love it!
Visited my wife in nursing home this afternoon - then our daughter came too and then took me to her house for - guess what - cottage pie!
The wine was equally enjoyable!
Seriously though, this is my usual Sunday treat and makes a wonderful break.
Thanks for kind thought.
jackmin

[gness]

Hi again Jack. My husband was in hospital for long periods, not a home but the same lonliness when I came home. The quiet is so strange isn't it? Years of bustle, chatter and hearing someone in another room....the change takes some getting used to but you do.
Come for a chat whenever the mood takes and you do get to know some nice people....I did.

Love Gx

[arwyn]

Good morning Jacklee,
I hope you find your Wife well today.
As others has said just write something in the Chatterbank section of *topics*, and when ever your lonley you'll find alot of mad fun people (and some sane Geordies ha ha) to chat to.
I live in Hazlerigg Village, my house was built just before the war.
Wideopen post office is next to the Travelers rest pub but I'm not sure if it's always been there.
Sandylane is now nose to tail with traffic in the rush hour as Killingworth (where I also ived) is massive now and everyone is trying to get to work. Also theres alot of call centres on the way to Four lane ends now. My husband and Son use to cycle all over the racecouse grounds but our son is grown up and left home now.
I wish I was clever enough to know how to put some photos on here for you to see the changes but I'm not.
I know a few retired miners who live in my street who tell me of the good old days as I'v only lived here 10 years but I'v always lived in Newcastle.
Keep chatting to us arwyn x

[webbo3]

The Geordie Thermometer

50 Degrees. Southerners turn on their heating. Geordies plant their gardens.

40 Degrees. Southerners shiver uncontrollably. Geordies Sunbathe.

30 Degrees. Southern cars will not start. Geordies drive with their windows down

20 Degrees. Southerners wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. Geordies throw a t-shirt on (Girls start wearing mini-skirts)

10 Degrees. Southerners begin to Evacuate. Geordies go swimming in the North Sea.

Zero degrees. Southern landlords turn up the heat. Geordies have the last barbecue before it gets cold.

Minus 10 Degrees. Southerners cease to exist. Geordies throw on a lightweight jacket.

Minus 80 Degrees. Polar bears wonder if it’s worth it. Geordie Boy scouts start wearing long trousers.

Minus 100 Degrees. Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Geordies put on their long johns.

Minus 173 Degrees. Alcohol freezes. Geordies become frustrated because the pubs are shut.

Minus 297 Degrees. Microbiological life starts to disappear. The cows on Newcastle town moor complain of vets with cold hands.

Minus 460 Degrees. All atomic motion stops. Geordies start to stamp their feet and blow on their hands.


Minus 500 Degrees. Hell freezes over……….Sunderland qualify for Europe.







Dave.

[DaisyNonna]

Hi Jack. My mum was a geordie and as a child was taken up north every summer. (Well it was summer in the Midlands.) Remember shivering in the wind on the most beautiful sandy beaches. Occasionally risked a rush down to the sea and back having swum for about two minutes.
Loved tramping the sands in winter when I was not expected to bathe. Many more memories if you are interested.

[jacklee]

Hi all - good to know there are still lots of Geordies about.
Great to hear from you all and to learn lots of 'local' news.
Perishing cold down here in Derbyshire but spring must surely not be far away.
been to visit my bonny lass today - she's 'canny' -we must have been a tough generation - both over 90!
Monday nights our son always comes to see his Dad - and drinks my beer - and I love his company. he was only 6 when we moved to Derby and is a proper Midlander - can easily lose him with a few words of Geordie.
he and his wife are dog mad and have recently had a birth of 6 Border terriers!
Garden is a fright at the moment but ower caad to get out with the secateurs.
Talking twaddle now so must pack up for the minute!
Thanks all for you company
jacklee.

[jacklee]

Hallo arwyn,
Yes the Travellers Rest was still there when we left in 1963.
I wasn't much of a drinker then - but the local in our Derbyshire village was a real country pub. Real ale - Marston's Pedigree - ever heard of it?
The pub was about 100 yards down the road from my house and more than once I went down for a pint and found I had no money with me!
No problem - Alf, the landlord simply gave me the change of a fiver
and said see you tomorrow!
Nice to know we were almost neighbours. Happy days.
Cheers
jacklee

[webbo3]

Unfortunately i have to confess im a southern softy from Bristol, but ive always like the geordie accent and the joke i posted is pretty much true, i work with a load of brummies and when i say its cold they tell me its not even chilly, it must be a northern thing, the farther north you live the tougher you are... :-)



Dave.