Mother In Law Is A Night Mare

[sheribee]

hi everyone. my mother in law is causing so many arguments in our house that it's is ridiculous!
she is 56, widowed sadly 14 yrs ago, has a bf who lives in his own house, the has her in house, decent amount if money, doesn't work, nice car but has had depression for years.
now, she just doesn't bother, she doesn't call, come round, see the kids, pretty much ignores the baby, won't ask to hold or cuddle him.
every excuse under the sun we get if we ask for any kind of help.
her son my hubby has severe depression and anxiety, hasn't worked due to this for few yrs and I help care fir him as he gets quite bad sometimes.
she won't come round and help at all with the kids or house or help me in any way cope with what is happening.
she will make excuses not to come over, or not to help if I ask which is very very rare. we have Been without a car now for a week, nearest town is 5 miles away, we have a baby and had no milk, a sick animal too. I asked her to take me to the vets so he could be seen and she said she had to b at the charity shop she volunteers in in 2 hrs and she couldn't let them down. but can let us down???
we have nothing, literally some weeks we have £40 shopping money. yet she complains about £7k going out of her account in 2 months, I don't even have that in a year.
it's her money of course but our life us hell, she could help but doesn't, I had to walk 10 miles today to take our pet to the vet!!
she expects her son to help her do stuff but does nothing to help in return.
I had to spend £8 on a taxi to get our daughter from school as she was being bullied, mil wouldn't take me to get her as she was already in town!
she also said the other day that she doesn't know y she bothers coming Iverson * on rare occasions she does) coz 1 daughter just sits upstairs and the other runs round like a Looney. we do gave a baby too but she makes no reference to him. like get doesn't exist sometimes.
she makes no effort for her beautiful family, she is blessed with so much, more than most can dream of, why is she like thus???
my husband won't say anything to coz he will feel guilty!

[Sharingan]

I'm from a large busy family too Sheribee, and I see family the same way that you do. You'd have to fight off our extended family with a golf club before they'd stop popping round and interfering, that to me is natural, I also agree that your family is your responsibility for life, it's a tie that ought to be unbreakable, but this woman does not feel the same and apparently I seem too to be in a minority here in the way I feel, so lots of people would feel the way she does. There is nothing you can do I don't think. There are practical things you can do to help with money and things though, microwaves come up on freecycle all the time as do most household things you need, but I think this is not what's bothering you, I think you just wish she was more like you think she should be, but you can't change people.

[tamborine]

You have to go it without her help. Adopt a granny nearby or share with friends. Your children will grow away from her but that's her loss due to her treatment of them.

She will need you before you need her, once you are more independant.

[Goodsoulette]

Im torn between the two opinions here. There seems to be a massive amount of people in the new grandparent generation who just outright do not want to help when it comes to grandchildren. They've had theirs etc etc however, i think a lot of these had an awful lot of help from their parents. I was one of many kids at school looked after by their grandparents so mine could work.

My parents work but both my mum and dad are generous with looking after the boys so I can work weekend shifts. And if I were ever ill or struggling my mum would help me because its a maternal thing to do.

[Brinjal]

Sounds as if she has her own depression to deal with.

[anneasquith]

'' but has had depression for years ''. may be the answer to your op ?

[magsmay]

sheribee -your MIL has chronic depression -you must understand what depression does to people if your OH suffers - does your OH want to socialise -go to friends houses -visit relatives -probably not because of his depression so why should your MIL be any different?

[bednobs]

you are not forced to like or socialise with people just because they are you family. Perhaps she doesn't like you/your children/her son. You are expecting her to provide something she either can't or wont

[Sharingan]

Although I agree with the notion that she may be suffering her own depression and not be able to function properly herself, I am really surprised that people think it's okay not to socialise with, support and assist their families generally. I think when you have a child that child is yours for life and you have taken on a lifetime contract to care for that child, even if you're 100 years old and they are 80, more or less whatever they do or turn out like. Family should be everything to everybody imho, and yes I know people have horrible families ( I have elements of that within my own family, so I do know) but it's still not a get out clause to wash your hands of people you are related to. Sorry if this opinion offends anyone, I don't mean it to, but I feel Sheribee is under a lot of stress, looks naturally to her family for support, doesn't get it then gets accused of being selfish / unlikeable/ or weird because she wants this and is looking for support here. xx

[pizza]

I personally wouldn't bother making any effort with her, get on with your life and bring your family up the way that makes you all happy.
Leave the phone calls etc and let her do the running if she wants to if not she's not worth it.
Depression can be used as an excuse in a lot of cases, I'm sorry to hear she became a widow at an early age, let her live her life, you Hubby and the kids live yours and a
t some point she will be the one (possibly) to realise she's missing out, if not you aren't missing out on this lady not being in your life.

[joko]

i agree with the others - she is not a nightmare, she is not not 'functioning' as you expect her too ... well you have no right to expect anything - there is no rule that says grandparents should come round and help you with the kids or buy them jamas - you even say she doesn't help with the house - well why should she? its YOUR house!
are you expecting her to come and clean it for you?

you say you only ask when desperate - maybe that's why she doesn't bother - she probably doesn't know how much you would like a hand.

not sure what you expected us all to say, but all you can do it ask her


my sister and my SIL had issues with me for not going round and seeing my niece and nephews all the time, i did see them but they seemed to expect me there about once or twice a week!
i didn't see my sis anywhere near that often even before she had the child, and didn't see my SIL at all because i don't like her, so why would i suddenly start going round all the time?

i guess i am just not maternal - i love them all dearly of course, and love it when i do see them, (every 2-3 months or so, but it varies) but it made me angry when i got snide little comments or an xmas card with AUNTIE in massive letters etc
i have my own life and I'm not going to just change it to suit their 'rules'.

maybe your MIL feels you expect too much of her, maybe she can sense that you are annoyed that she doesn't do much for you, and is annoyed at you at your cheek?

[society]

"I am really surprised that people think it's okay not to socialise with, support and assist their families generally. "

Sharin, you are assuming this^^^, just the same way everyone's reason / opinion is an assumption why MIL do not help out son and his family. Only MIL could give us the reason why she behaves this way towards Sheribee and her family. Remember, there are two sides, this is how Sheribee sees things on her end. MIL might have a different 'story'.

[Sharingan]

"I am really surprised that people think it's okay not to socialise with, support and assist their families generally. "

I was talking generally though society, as in about other people's attitudes to their own families not Sheribee's particularly. Lots of people on this thread appear to think it's a bit peculiar for her to ' expect' her family to be supportive and have lots of input. I think I would probably feel similarly and seem to be in the minority. I'm not suggesting there isn't a second side to it, there always is to everything, I just felt it was interesting that most people had a very polar opinion to mine which makes me wonder if I'm not a bit weird lol.

[woofgang]

Sharin, this really is a "walk a mile in someone's shoes before you can understand" thing. Its very deeply painful to cur someone out of your family but sometimes you have to.
Which is by the by to the OP....I kind of agree with you Sherin because Most of my family are close, although not geographically close, but none of us "expect" in the way that the OP seems to...she may not have intended to but her post comes over to me at least as "I need, she should supply"
As I said earlier, what would the OP do if her Mil lived in Australia?

[murraymints]

Give the girl a chance...this is family...I never had the fortune...you don't know how this poor girl is....for God's sake ..if if if..I were there it would be hugs and help !

[sherrardk]

Sharingan, we moved nearer to my parents thinking that it would be a good idea to maintain and strengthen the 'family bond' but we needn't have bothered (not to look after my children or to 'help out' in any way, just so my children would be nearer their grandparents, cousins, etc). My parents rarely visited and we weren't openly invited to visit them. In fact, when my (step) father and grand dad came to see me and the things in hospital, mother didn't visit (feigned and illness) and when she did eventually meet them she made no effort to hold them.

[murraymints]

Ps...shar.. I'll adopt you any day !! Good kid !!

[Sharingan]

Both of my parents have / had difficulties with their parents- my father with both of his, my mother with her father and brother so I know how horrible and difficult families can be and how sometimes you do have to make difficult choices, but I do think that there is nothing more important and unless there is some horrendous reason and I really do mean horrendous then people should if they possibly can make the effort to support their family. I know it's very difficult and emotive and I'm not judging anyone but it's a very alien concept for me to wrap my head around.xx

[Sharingan]

Oooh thanks MurrayMints xx

[woofgang]

Sharin, I am not harping on your age but so far as alien concepts in families and other relationships go....you aint seen nuthin yet....

[Sharingan]

Oh I really hope that not true Woofgang lol xx