Is It Proper For My Grandsons To Open My Refrigerator At Will?

[godfreygirl143]

I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive, just picky or what. I have 2 grandsons age 7 and 10 and every time they come over they go right to my refrigerator and begin asking for things and eating whatever they can find. I live on Social Security and have a VERY limited grocery budget. Many times they have just eaten, but they still do it. They also go into my bedroom and it makes me nervous because after they leave, I can see they've been in my drawers and other things. I disciplined them once and my daughter in law didn't speak to me for almost a year. It took me a very long time to finely find out from my son that it was because I disciplined the boys. I had them over for dinner, spent a LOT of time making a meal I knew the kids and adults would like and my younger grandson wouldn't eat and kept asking for hamburger. When I said I didn't have any, he said "YES you do!"....(I didn't) What I said was "when you go to someones home to eat, you should eat what's put in front of you." Evidently this made her angry. I have never, EVER given her advice on raising the boys or said anything negative to her at all about disciplining them. I never do that to them or my daughter's children. It's THEIR children and I've already done my job...it's their turn now. That is the only time I've ever said anything, but it was just getting very irritating. We never even got to visit that night because the youngest one grabbed all the attention by wanting things I didn't have.

Maybe it's just me and a different generation, but my children knew NOT to get into other people's things, go into other rooms and NEVER, EVER to open someones refrigerator.....even their grandmother's. It's gotten to where I almost hate to know they are coming over with my son. I live in a senior citizen building and they ran through the halls, went up and down the elevator and ran up and down the stairs. I know because they came back in and told us what they'd been doing and their mom just smiled. There are rules here and that's not allowed but I was afraid to say anything for fear I'd make her mad. I just don't know how to handle this delicately, but I think I have a right to have rules too. What do you all think and how would you handle this? Thank you.

[DJHawkes]

next time they visit make sure your fridge is empty. tell them you have nothing in. My grandson would never ever do such a thing and never has and he lived with us when he was smaller and so it was his house!

[godfreygirl143]

Well, I tried to ease into a talk be talking a bit with my son and I told him we needed to talk about something. About 10 minutes later my daughter in law called .....she was very nice and sweet....but she rattled off a dozen things or more the boys were into and said they'd be pretty busy for the next couple of weeks. That gives me a hint that she doesn't want to talk about anything and I'm guessing she may have known somewhat what it may be about.

When they were over the last time and it was what I wrote about....the boys going up and down the elevator, running up and down the stairs, stopping on every floor and going up and down the halls....we got a LOT of really BAD looks from some people in the halls when I was walking them out. One lady said "I was wondering who these children belonged to!!"....and it was not in a nice way. My daughter in law just said "there seems to be a lot of grouchy people around here" and I just told her to ignore it. I'm not sure I can handle talking with them. My son and I have a pretty good relationship and I depend on him sometimes when I'm in a jam. I just don't know how to do it delicately. I do like my daughter in law, but she is a VERY touchy lady when it comes to her boys. Maybe I would be too....but on the other hand, I raised mine a LOT differently and never gave anyone a reason to call them to hand. SIGH!!

[FredPuli43]

As Dame Edna Everage says to a noisy audience: "Remember, you're OUT !" Children have to learn that behaviour when out is not the same as it is at home. Don't know what you are worried about; you have a duty to the children, first and foremost. Tell both parents what Dame Edna says. The children must learn that in your house you set the house rules, "My house, my rules". Adults follow that rule. There's no exemption for children

[Smowball]

None of my children would have even dreamt of opening anybodys fridge or cupboards without permission! How incredibly rude! Even my youngest son w3ho is now almost 14 - he gets in from school and looks i our own fridge but still asks if he can have a yoghurt, or whatever. I hasten to add that he only asks incase dinner is almost ready, but he wuld never ever dream of opening anybody elses. I think you are totally right to be miffed!

[DaisyNonna]

No.

[maggiebee]

My grandkids always have a look but would never help themselves - they always ask first and don't always get a "yes".

[Connemmara]

I have loads of great nephews/nieces - No, I wouldn't like them to go into my fridge nor my nephew, niece-in-laws wouldn't allow them.

The kids just wouldn't do it. Well, not in my house anyway. I do know other friends and they are crazy about their grand-children but (I've been there) they wouldn't allow it. One time one of my friend's granddaughter came out with two lollipops - one for herself and a wee friend and my friend kindly reprimanded her gently. Told granddaughter she needed to ask first!!

[Uriah Heep]

Just picked up on this one.

It brings to mind what my father said to me many years ago. In this house you live according to my rules when you get your own house you tell me what to do. One of the best bits of advice I was ever given.

These rules are good manners and I believe if you have nothing else in life but that it will stand you in good stead.

[Canary42]

Your DIL obviously subconciously feels she has failed as a mother, so your bringing this to her attention is naturally MOST UNWELCOME.

Nothing you can do I'm afraid.

[Sparkles62]

You are in a difficult situation here godfreygirl, you obviously don't enjoy their visits at the moment, with the way they behave, but you don't want their visits to stop.
If it was me, I woud get a simple hook put high up on the bedroom door, when they try to go in, say, ' You can't go in there, Nanas tablets are in there, come and play in the living room' Its a reasonable request and just looking after the childrens safety.
Whatever they normally go for in your fridge, bisuits, chocolate, cheese, etc, make sure they are 'not there' if you know they are coming to visit.
If they want to run around the corridors, tell them, 'you cant run around out there, some of the old ladies here are poorly and need to sleep'.
Do you have things in yours to keep them interested?
Children these days seem to think that you need computers to have fun, sit them down and teach them some card games,
My grandsons love rummy, domino's and ludo. X

[godfreygirl143]

Thanks to everyone for all the great advice I've gotten here. You're all a bunch of great people. I'm not sure what to do or how to handle this sticky situation as yet even with all the advice. Every family and person in it is different and we do have our fears....especially as we get older....of losing our family members for some reason. I think that's probably my biggest fear. No, as one wrote, I don't even like to know they're coming over anymore. I'd love to visit with my son...just him and I....but that's not fair either. It sort of makes me angry....but who can you be angry at? It's not MY children and not MY daughter. It would be a whole different story and I wouldn't have even had to write here for advice had it been MY daughter. I would be able to sit and talk with her about it. Even if she got upset with me over it, she's not going to stay away from mom or keep the grandchildren from me. It's a whole different ball game when you're dealing with an in law. So I've got to do some real serious thinking here on what to do about this and how to handle it.

[albaqwerty]

sit down and write them a letter, explain to them that as you are on a strict budget, your lovely grandsons just cannot help themselves to the contents of your fridge or cupboards.
Do not criticise their parenting skills in that letter. Do not criticise your grandsons either. Emphasise that you love seeing all of them at any time.

If push comes to shove, also mention that when a friend called round and you made a cuppa, she noticed that some things had gone from your fridge when YOU opened it to get the milk.

I do hope you get it sorted and some peace of mind xx

[Connemmara]

I realised Godfreygirl - that we all can write advice down in black and white - but when push comes to shove ie talking about it - it is very difficult. I have a friend who practically reared her 3 grandchildren from birth. Had difficulties with DIL - DIL now doesn't allow grandchildren to see her anymore after 16 years of babysitting, keeping them for weeks on end. Holidays 2 or 3 times a year, grandchildren haven't been in contact for about a year now. Son a bit of a wimp obviously. Unfortunately when you stand on toes you could lose them (ie grandchildren) for good. I do feel for you as my friend is so broken-hearted over the loss of her grandchildren. So methinks - is it worth losing your grandchildren - for a nosey in the fridge and eating from it. And it is not every day you have to put up with it.

However, I do know that where you live (sheltered apartments) "other residents" very much frown on the "corridor behaviour" and don't be long in reporting to the "powers that be". Good luck Godfrey. A very difficult situation. Conne

[Psybbo]

Well said, conne