Son And Cannabis

[Le Chat]

This is very hard for me to write on this public forum but I am desperate for some advice.
My son (aged 17) has been smoking cannabis.
I have had this confirmed recently by purchasing a test kit and sticking it in the toilet water in the morning, as he rarely flushes the chain in his bathroom.
He is at college doing a BTech. He was very clever but started skipping school and didn't do well in his GCSEs.
He was an excellent footballer but can no longer be bothered to play for his team .... and the story goes on.
He got money from various relatives for his birthday and yet I caught him rummaging through my handbag looking for money. I also had a beautiful Cartier Panther necklace, my only piece of expensive jewellery, which I have had for 20 years and I can no longer find it. He was not bothered that I found him trying to steal money from my purse.
Consequently, we have installed a safe in our bedroom and a coded keypad on the bedroom door.
I have told my son that he has to get a part time job (told him this 5 weeks ago) in 6 weeks time and if he hasn't then he will not receive any more pocket money. He has made no attempt to do this, despite many of the shops starting their Xmas signings.
His personailty has changed. He has become secretive, unpleasant, lies about anything, lazy, unhygenic and agressive. That is not who he really is.
We have talked to him about drugs and he knows all about their effects but I am so scared for his future and for our future as a family, as it is ruining our relationship.
We are a normal, otherwise happy family, with no issues. My husband and I love each other and are very happy and our younger son also loves his brother.
This afternoon, i asked him if he would accompany me to a drugs councellor but he literally laughed in my face and said that he'll leave home as soon as he can.
I just felt like I had to put this out here, as I feel so helpless. My heart is breaking.

[pixie373]

I really feel for you, i caught my 15 year old daughter with it, too. I took her to the GP, who spoke to her about the risks of it and she was referred to CAMHS (google for one near to you). They are for children and adolescent mental health and are really helpful - but you do need a GP referral. My daughter has since been diagnosed with ADHD and apparently drink and drugs are quite a common way for them to self-medicate. There may well be something else going on with your son, that he is trying to treat himself. My daughter is seeing someone from Addaction and they have suggested Frank, if needed. She is due to start low medication soon and has been put on different courses, too.
There is help out there - he will need to co-operate for you to really get any results, but even if he says he won't, they will still guide and advise you.
good luck xx

[Old_Geezer]

If he is stealing money that IMO that is more serious that a cannabis habit. Weed doesn't cost the earth. I'd suspect his personality change is probably more to do with his age and maybe other things too than anything, unless he's on harder stuff than you believe.

If you have already spoken to him then at 17 he is old enough to note the wisdom in your words or to ignore it. I am unsure you can force him to live wisely. You one card is to say that you forbid it whilst he lives in your house, and since he has suggested he will leave as soon as he is able, that crimps your play somewhat.

I suspect the best you can do is be there if he needs you but allow him to leave and make his own mistakes. Parents tend to have to do that sort of thing.

[Hypognosis]

I am not sure I understand or agree with the science but current thinking is that the the brain 're-wires' itself during the teenage years, all as part of personality formation, as opposed to childhood years where they just copy what adults and peers do.

If people have been known to develop mental problems (paranoia, shiflessness etc.) where they have started on marijuana in full adulthood then I can only assume that doing so while the brain is in a developmental stage is doubly dangerous.

There was a programme on BBC recently about the kids of Colorado who are busily getting doped up and there are already rehab clinics to cater for those age 14+.

It has a downbeat ending though, where text comes on screen telling us how some of the characters have dropped out of rehab, have reverted back to the weed and so forth. It doesn't go into any deep examination of -why- they resort to drugs, other than the obvious: that under-aged kids cannot get served alcohol.

The most you can do is try and find out what it is about your son's life which is getting him down. Note that clinical depression just happens for no rational reason so, if you dig and find nothing, it might be that.

If he won't answer your questions then it could be a humiliating or embarassing problem or it could be the problem is you but he can't cope with confronting you or causing you emotional hurt.

[pixie373]

Hypognosis, that is exactly what our GP told us. I'm sorry, i can't remember the correct statistics, but i was shocked at the correlation between smoking weed as a teenager and becoming schizophrenic. He also said that 90% (may be exaggerating, i don't know) of teenage drinkers/addicts stop that behaviour when correctly diagnosed and treated for the condition that triggered it.

[Le Chat]

Thank you for your replies.
The atricles I have read regarding cannabis use in people under 20 makes for frightening reading.
It is double the strength of yester year and stunts emotional development very quickly.
I feel powerless to do anything, as he would never willingly accept any help, as (being in denial) he doesn't think he has a problem. When it comes to stealing from your mother, then when is it not a problem?
I spoke to a young guy that I work with, who is in his 20's. He told me that of the cannabis users he knew at school/college, it's 50/50 whether they woke up, ditched it and got on with their lives productively, or became 'losers.'
So I guess, for my son it's 50/50 as well.
Old geezer - You have a valid point. It is cheap...so why would he be attempting to steal money when he was flush? I don't know but you have brought something up here that I have not considered.

[murraymints]

I have no answers but offer you my sympathy....not easy being mum to teenagers who know it all....if in denial nobody can help him....I'd let him leave then he'll hopefully come to his senses without a home and family that care in proximity.....Good luck ....take care ..you have to consider the rest of your family as well as yourself !..xx

[pixie373]

It may not be expensive, but if he is at college and not working, he will still need the money from somewhere. He's too young to be on benefits? I would still try Addaction, Camhs or similar. They will advise you, even if he won't see them.

[Le Chat]

I will certainly be taking myself to a drugs counselling service, as I need the support and help for myself and family.
Thank you for your replies.

[pixie373]

I hope it goes well. I know how you feel x

[EDDIE51]

People on here have said cannabis is 'cheap' well that depends on how much is being used. My daughter had a habit of 10 to 14 'spliffs' a day.
She was always asking for money despite us buying her food and had taken out over £10,000 in loans to pay for her habit. She was spending £20 a day, I don't call that cheap. We have bought her 3 cars all of them she sold to buy weed.
I recognise the aggressive behaviour mentioned, she would get very aggressive if we ever tried to tell her we could not afford to give her any more cash. Hopefully she is off it now after finally realising what a mess she was making of her life. She started smoking weed when she was just 12 though I have only found this out recently. The dealer used to park outside the school at break times so that the kids could buy his product.
Le Chat, the problem you will find is that 'weed' kills a persons ability to be 'bothered' about anything, they just can't make the effort to get a job and even if they do they lose it again as they have such an attitude problem. I can only hope you can persuade your son to give up but it will be hard. Come back on here when ever you want I will be happy to share any advice I have.

[Le Chat]

Thank you Pixie ...and Eddie.
Yes, he probably is then smoking so much of it that it is expensive...As someone who has never stolen a thing, I can't get past the sight of him in my handbag. It has turned my core cold I am so disgusted.
I would not pay for driving lessons as I wanted to for his 17th, as driving whilst under the influence of this drug is just like drinking and driving.
Did you daughter have any lasting 'damage' from taking it Eddie?

[tamborine]

Tell him neighbors can smell it & complained, threatening police. Fear of arrest might stop him. Teen pot smoking can be peer pressure. Would he smoke regular cigs? If so, hide a packet where he can find them coz he's now addicted. He will grow out of it when something he enjoys grabs his attention or he wheezes.

Dont worry, lots of dope-heads grow up & see their folly.

[Hypognosis]

I tell you what though, if I was 17 right now, no job, no girlfriend and I didn't think I was clever enough to be in the 50% who end up getting a degree at Uni, I'd be pretty bl**dy miserable as well.

[mallyh]

i know what your going through and feel for you it's a horrible situation but with the personality change ,stealing ,laziness it does sound like he's on something stronger .(i know because our boy became a heroin addict .thankgod after many years he's ok now).I hope your lad gets help soon so he doesn't go down the same path

[anneasquith]

I admire you for seeking advice, although an open forum we are still anonymous, I would say he is using more than cannabis. he does need help, but only you as parents know that, he does not, good luck,

[Hypognosis]

@pixie

//i was shocked at the correlation between smoking weed as a teenager and becoming schizophrenic. //

Tricky things, correlations. Those diagnosed with schizophrenia begin to show symptoms when in their mid/late teens in any case and there are no shortage of cases where they developed the condition but have never indulged in substance abuse.

So the observation is an experiment without a control group, we have no clue how many would have turned out normal if they hadn't indulged and we have no idea if people suffering the condition naturally gravitate towards the drug in order to self medicate the symptoms away.

So it is an interesting observation but inconclusive, afaic.

Meanwhile, there are supposed to be genetic markers for it and it's probably one of those things where you need two copies of the affected gene, one from each parent, to develop the disease -and- you can have siblings who are free of the condition, due to having one or zero copies of it.

@Le Chat

apologies for using your thread as a platform for discussing side issues, like this one but also thank you for giving us a good excuse to do so. Best of luck with resolving your son's problems.

[EDDIE51]

mallyh, it does not have to be 'something stronger' the modern 'skunk weed' is up to 40 times stronger than the 'traditional ' version from the 1960s/70s. It is terrible stuff and changes the users personality for the worse. In my opinion it should be a class A drug. It may not be 'addictive' in the strict medical sense, but it is habit forming and users find it impossible to cope without it.
LeChat I could tell even from her voice on the phone when she had been on the weed, it was always more aggressive and demanding. The popular idea that cannabis is no worse than tobacco is just plain wrong at least with the modern stuff.
Practical advise , find out where he is getting stuff from and report them as drug dealers by using 'Crimestoppers' I did this and after a few reports one dealer was raided and put out of business and another was warned, I am sure this was in part at least what convinced my daughter to stop. I did not let her know I had reported them, but afterwards I told her that the police could have her name or description as they must have been keeping the dealer under observation. If that had not worked I would have talked to a police officer and asked him to 'have a word' with her to try to scare her off the stuff.

[EDDIE51]

Hypognosis I have 5 children but only the one younger daughter has ever shown any interest in 'weed' . I know it neither proves or disproves the 'genetic marker' theory.

[mazie]

Can't be much help Le Chat... But this thread just made me realise what a hell of a lot most parents have to go through for their kids. I really hope it all works out OK for you. xxx

[mallyh]

Eddie51 i agree it should be classed an A drug (i wasn't talking about 60s 70 's),just that it could lead to other drugs .i did phone the police when he was 16and they came to talk to him ,they then told me i had absolutely no problem with him ,he said after they went" fooled them ".that's why i feel so for other families going through this .