Husband And Adoption

[Colleen333]

My husband and I have been married for two years. We want to start a family. I want to have our own children but he's changed his mind. He's diabetic and doesn't want to take the risk of passing it on. When we were dating his was more open to having our own children. He wants to adopt now. I'm not sure if I want to. I want to go through the experience of being pregnant and breast feeding and to bond with the baby. He doesn't understand how i feel and thinks that wouldn't be bonding anyway. He's completely against trying to get pregnant. He has threatened getting a vasectomy. I'm heartbroken that he's acting this way. He told me if I want children if has to be through adoption and I don't have another option. I'm not sure if I'm right to adopt a child. I think it's a great thing but I don't know if I could do it. Any advice on what to do?

[Mamyalynne]

I may be totally wrong but if passing on Diabetes is his main concern, maybe talking to his diabetic nurse or specialist about those possibilities is a good idea.
Your wanting to be a Mother naturally is perfectly understandable and it is a shame that things have shifted since you married, don't panic or nag but try to talk it through.

[Lie-in King]

As ignorant as I am of this sort of dilemma, may I post my tuppence-worth?

While your personal debate goes on, would it firstly not be a good idea to establish that you're eligible to adopt? It would be sad if that was the route you decided on, only then to discover that it wasn't possible.

At least if you "fill the forms in" & pass - what I believe - are quite strict vetting procedures, you would know that path was open to you.

I wish you both well :-)

[EDDIE51]

You stand no chance of being selected to adopt a child unless you are both totally committed to it. There is are far far more people wanting to adopt than there are children available.

[atalanta]

My son has diabetes, ( type 1) and he has 2 children. So far the children have not shown signs of diabetes. The likelihood of inheriting diabetes, as far as my research has gone, seems to be about one in twenty - that's a five-per-cent chance. If your H has type 2, the likelihood depends very much on lifestyle, rather than inheritance. So I can't help feeling that he has an ulterior motive somewhere. After all, you could get pregnant by a donor if he is so determined not to become a biological father himself. But I fear there is more to his obstinacy than meets the eye. Maybe he is trying to get you to leave him - say, if he wants a divorce but doesn't want to be the one who starts it. Does he bully you in other ways too ? You might find a kinder man somewhere else.

[atalanta]

Add-on : now I come to think of it, his diabetes may make any attempts at adoption more difficult. A ( married ) woman I know was turned down as an adopter because of her diabetes.

[Old_Geezer]

I think the concerns/wants of both in the partnership should be taken into consideration rather than assume an abusive controlling relationship. Having kids is a join responsibility and it is unfortunate one of you has changed your mind.

I echo the thought of getting advice regarding passing on diabetes, but I'd also suggest talking calmly with each other, and listening, in case the diabetes is merely a justification for other doubts. One needs to get to the bottom of the change of heart.

[Prudie]

I think you need to put your foot down and insist he tells you honestly what his concerns really are. On the face of it his diabetes is not the whole truth. As for you I wouldn't dream of taking the adoption route. You need to be 100% committed and motivated to love someone else's child.

[woofgang]

well I think you need to rein back your feelings if you can before taking this any further.
"He doesn't understand how I feel" Do you understand how he feels?
"I'm heartbroken" I bet he's not dancing and singing
"He threatens to have a vasectomy" what's the threat? Is he thinking he wants to do it? What did he actually say?

[anneasquith]

I'm seeing a not very compatible couple here, sorry

[Canary42]

Divorce him and find a more compatible mate.

[pusskin]

He is not being at all fair to you.
Tell him you have made a huge mistake and hope to find some-one who wants to have their own child. i would be very gutted if that was me.
its never too late to meet some one who really cares Colleen.

[ladyalex]

What if you went for adoption, were accepted and were asked to adopt a diabetic child ?

I tend to agree with the other people who have replied here....your husband is using the 'I do not want to pass on my faulty genes' argument as a blind for something else.
As Mamya says, a start would be to check things out with the diabetic specialists who are looking after him to find out whether his ' fears' have any foundation or not.
Perhaps if you were a bit more confrontational rather than accepting of his arguments/wishes things would become clearer for you.
Being brutally honest, I think he either wants out of the marriage or has got cold feet about having children.
Hope I'm wrong and it all works out for you.

[joko]

if he is perfectly happy to have a child without his genes, then surely he wouldnt have an issue with you using donor sperm...?

i understand his worry - if thats what it is - only he knows just how frustrating etc having serious diabetes etc is, but assuming thats his only worry and your donor sperm doesnt have it, i dont see how he can be against it...?

[joko]

is there some other reason he doesnt want YOU to have a child naturally?
does he think you will get fat, that your body will be permanently affected by it?
has someone he knows died in childbirth?
has someone suffered PND?

i could understand more if he had allowed a fear of what might happen to fill him with fear of losing you in some way

[Colleen333]

Thank you for your replies. We talked over it and he's agreed to do more research on it and see an genetic counselor about it. His main concern he said it he doesn't want his child to hate him if they have diabetes. I do understand this and I have tried listening to him about it. I work at a school so I do love children that aren't mine. But I want to be a mother naturally. He told me that if the risk is about 15% at the highest that it might be a risk worth taking.

[Canary42]

Concerned the child might hate him ? Give us a break !

He sounds so selfish and egocentric - all me me me me me - he'll let you down eventually, get out NOW.

[Mamyalynne]

Glad you have had another talk, I have never heard anyone with an inherited condition say they hated their parents ( not saying that no one does) - if you love each other then your marriage is worth saving.

Hope you get sorted, do let us know.

[ladyalex]

Very pleased to hear that you will be going to see agenetic counsellor.
Do make sure that you both go so that both of you can consider all the arguments pro and con.
All the best.