Advice Needed Emotional Abuse

[sheri1980]

Hi everyone.
Ok, I need some advice please. Might be a long post.
Ive separated from my husband (together 16 years) due to what I believe was emotional abuse.
I am struggling to 1.come to terms and deal with all the stuff that's in my head, and to understand why he hurt me so bad, and 2. the guilt of supposedly me causing his behaviour.
So I cheated on my husband about 7 years ago, no excuses, I did a terrible thing and I am ashamed. I was very unhappy and thought the answer laid with another mans attention, it didn't.
So my husband found out, took me back, but became unwell, depressed, anxious and couldn't work, he hasn't worked since.
The controlling behaviour started soon after, so did the little digs and the manipulation, too much to go into any detail, but basically he told me what to do and I did it, I was scared of his reactions to things and felt like I walked on egg shells.
So, since our separation he has told me all his anxiety, depression etc stems from me cheating, I turned him into this person, the man he truly isn't, through what I did.
He was so afraid to let me out or allow me to do stuff in case I cheated again.
I feel incredibly guilty and am seriously struggling with this. But, can all this really all be laid on me? I told him a few times I would leave if he continued to hurt me, and he still carried on, he says it was because he was ill.
I wanted our marriage to survive this, I love him, but I cannot get over what he has done, I still have flash backs of things he has said or done to me, the sick feeling of control he had over me, some thing will happen and its like im right back there with him manipulating me, controlling me.
He says I need to have councilling, as this will help me move on, that I have to get over it all, and he hopes we can try again.
What I need advice on I guess is... is he right, is this all me fault (plz be honest)? Did I cause him to emotionally abuse me, did I deserve it? How do I best move on from this? And is it me with the problem? as he has sought help and is on the road to recovery where as im just stuck here, feeling very unworthy and depressed myself, I feel lost without him.
We have 3 children, and they too suffered with hs jekyl and hyde personality too.
Sorry, long post x Thanks guys x

[lady-janine]

think you need to step back from your relationship and consider everything and where you are going. your children need to have a steady background. this situation seems to be the basis of all your posts.

[ummmm]

I wouldn't trust the person that cheated on me. A new relationship is slate clean. Leave the baggage at the door.

[WELSHYORKIE]

None taken, Arky. In my case, I liked it so much that I want a second go..........

[Arksided]

I agree Ummmm. I have very little in the way of advice for the OP, but do think the best thing is for both to go their own way and hope that something can be sorted regarding the children so they do have (as Lady-Janine says) a steady background.

[pixie373]

I think it's a little of both of you- you're bringing out the worst in each other and probably better off apart. Only he can sort out his anxiety issues, encourage him to go to the GP, then you both need to agree access etc for the children. Good luck.

[ummmm]

Unhappy parents equal unhappy kids.

[sheri1980]

Thanks guys. Yes I completely agree my actions were terrible, and in a sense unforgivable.
What I am struggling with as well is the abuse that's followed, the mental manipulation, the controlling, the constant walking on egg shells, not knowing if im saying or doing the right thing.
Being scared of him if I did something wrong, my GP says he emotionally abused me, not because he was a bad person, but because he was ill.
Our children told me they were scared of him, and one was frightened when he shouted at her that he would punch her in the face, this was the extent of his anger, it really was hell!
Ive spoken to some women affected by domestic abuse, and they all say its is fault, nobody deserves to be abused, and he chose to act this way and treat me so badly.
But I don't think that's true.
Im constantly second guessing my actions, and worrying about his reaction to things i do or say, even now, I still feel controlled.
I want to move on, he wants to try again, but I have so much crap in my head that he put there that i dont think there is any going back.
I want to move back to Sussex to be closer to my family, but feel guilty taking the kids away from him

[Arksided]

Sorry if my postings were a little abrupt this morning, only you can decide what is best for you and your children. As you said no-one should suffer abuse no matter what shape or form it manifests itself.

I do wish you luck on whatever you decide to do. I do stand by my opinion though if he can't get over it, best is to go your separate ways. as awful as that sounds you shouldn't be constantly punished.

[whirlyhurly]

Look, sheri 1980, as the saying goes "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" for heaven's sake, who hasn't made mistakes, hurt someone, or craved attention/affection elsewhere? This atmosphere will have a lasting effect on your children,you say that you'd be "lost without him" really ? Why ? Think of the future for you and the kids, life is too short, just move on, without this emotional abuse and start afresh.

[lcg]

you don't get ptsd from your partner cheating on you. he may well have ended up with trust issues/low self esteem/depression, but that is no reason for treating you like an arse. walk away if you don't like his behaviour towards you, but do not have counselling in order to change yourself to go back. i would move on and deal with any issues you have, but not go back. find yourself....and then someone else for you at that point. it sounds like far too much has gone on in your relationship to have a healthy one now.....especially without significant change from him. i am a psych nurse.....so do know what i am talking about. good luck x

[lcg]

don't feel guilty about wanting to feel ok, not scared and protecting your kids. if he wants to see them, is truly sorry and wants to make an effort, he will. i guess you will find out what type of chap he is when you tell him that you are protecting yourself and taking control of your life. stay safe, do not be afraid to call the police if you need to and you can move closer to family for more support - sounds like a good plan x

[Baldric]

//I cheated on my husband about 7 years ago, no excuses//

Says it all really!

[Prudie]

Your actions may have triggered his anxiety and depressive tendencies so from that point you are the cause rather than the blame. Countless people have affairs or are cheated on and everyone reacts and deals with it differently. It's not your fault that your actions caused an extreme reaction. Equally he is the trigger for you putting up with mental abuse, that's your personality that let him get away with it. I think you should both call it a day. It will be tough at first but there is probably a new and happier life waiting for both of you eventually.

[lcg]

so people who make mistakes deserve to be treated like *** for years baldric.....and suffer abuse? your response says it all!

[1ozzy]

Hi Sheri 1980.
I took the liberty of looking at you previous posts.
Do you think it may be time to move on?
How much grief do you expect the children to cope with before it scars them, (possible for life).
Think about all involved not just you and hubby.
I hope things work out well.

[pixie373]

An affair is deliberate, not a "mistake". They have both emotionally abused each other. Punishing someone for an affair is pointless, i agree. Forgive and move on or make the break. He's not been able to forgive and forget, so imo they are better off apart now.

[China Doll]

Personally I say bu88er all of it, there's no joy in this relationship clearly and you're both bringing out the worst in each other - there's fault on both sides if you want to look at it that way.

However the kid who got shouted at and told they'd be punched in the face (whether it was an empty threat) is entirely innocent so you need to get your sh!t together for their sake and take your children out of this damaging situation.

[lcg]

so? she made one mistake......he was abusive for years. i know who i feel sorry for. nobody is perfect, but you do not have to go through life treating people like that. if you are getting all moral on everybody, which is worse? yes they both have a role to play in the situation, but abusers never change and they just blame everybody else for their behaviour. cheating is bad and i do not like people who do it.....but that is not what the question is asking.

[pixie373]

Lcg- I'm just saying it's wrong to call it a mistake. I bet it wasn't called that at the time- only after, when you realise what harm has been done. It's not moralising. The poster is asking. He has no right to abuse her, which is why she should leave.

[lcg]

i know pixie - that wasn't aimed at you! it's just the other comment wound me up and got my goat. no offence intended :-)