Helping Daughter Under Pressure

[Black Noir]

I am not sure whether this is a teenage blip or something more serious !
My Daughter is due to receive her AS results in a few weeks, she has worked hard throughout school achieving 9 A/A*, and took 5 A Levels this year all in science and maths related subjects - good mock results indicating As again.
However since breaking up she has become depressed and withdrawn and is now saying she doesn't want to go to University, she was looking at a geophysics degree.
When we spoke this week, during many recent tearful episodes, she says she feels alone and doesn't know what she wants to do with her life job wise. She has always enjoyed playing guitar (quietly in her room so no-one can hear) and is now saying she would prefer a career in the music industry.
I am obviously concerned about her state of mind and how i can help.
Any suggestions?

btw I never went to University so want this to be her choice alone

[puzzled54]

Maybe she is worried about leaving home, can you suggest a nearby uni so that she could live at home if she wants to for at least the first year?
Is she an only child? Just wondered if maybe she is not used to being with people her own age all the time.

[RATTER15]

She must do what she wants to do, if she doesnt she will likely regret it for the rest of her life, Ignore Sqad, going by what he has said about his own offspring he really needs to keep quiet. Some peoples life revolve around money, some around happiness. If she needs money to make her happy, the chances are she will never be happy! Personally I think she needs to pursue a career playing her guitar, best of luck to her whatever she does! I measure success by happiness not by wealth!

[ukbod2015]

I know how she feels I`ve been through the same things with nieces and nephews - you get unceremoniously dumped out of the relative order of school / college and into the cold cruel world where you have to try and make decisions that could potentially affect your whole life. Its easy to get depressed but it would be as shame to waste all the hard work and good scores she has managed so far.
My strategy was to take them away on a nice holiday and basically just let them know that, with application, they could be doing that for themselves in a few years. As favourite uncle I never told them to do anything just laid out the options for them honestly and let their own intelligence work it out.
Music is a fickle industry but if thats where she wishes to go she can try it. For every one that suceeds there are probably a thousand that dont. Maybe try and run the 2 alongside each other earning a bit singing in the evening after uni - that would aid her popularity and make the step to university less scarey.

[Old_Geezer]

It is a fair point that making life decisions when not mentally at your best is not ideal. No one should say a music career is not for her but at her age she has time on her side. Logically it makes sense to build up a foundation of marketable knowledge she can fall back on and then decide whether to opt for a more unorthodox career choice afterwards.

What one can know is that life has ups and downs. If
feeling low and wanting it to change one time, sure it will change anyway in time; so if one stuck to the path previously thought good before now that is no bad route until the mood lightens and one is clearer about what should be pursued.

She can still practice and hone her musical skills at college, either in her own room or even better by joining a student music related group and meeting new friends there.

[Old_Geezer]

PS I think Sqad's viewpoint a valid one. Not one I'd suggest but the tough love thing can work well. It's possible she wants to be told, as making a decision is difficult when you don't have perfect knowledge of what is best. But it can result in more rebellion so a risky course I think.

[pastafreak]

Don't "push" uni...don't push anything. It's just not worth it. She needs to find her own way...in her own time.
My daughter had a very difficult period in secondary school...it included a major move away from her friends,getting into the worst company possible during her GCSE year, 18 months of going totally off the rails,hardly living at home,while doing her a-level years...and finally settling and getting reasonable grades. When faced with uni,she just was not ready for it...a breather was a necessity for her. At least in my eyes...not so much her father's. She then worked and travelled for two years...the best thing she could have done. It made her gain true independence,confidence and a degree of maturity. She then did 3 years of uni,getting her MSc....and then took another year off to go live in Australia as she was not yet sure if she wanted to do a graduate degree. * This was poo-poohed by dear sqad as not the right thing to do*. Well,it was for her. She came back refreshed and ready for another challenge. She is now writing up her PhD...and she will get a job someday!! ;-) :-D
How many of us look back on our lives and wish we had more knowledge to make better decisions about our futures. We expect kids of 17-18 to do so. It's a huge commitment,and harder for some. Give your daughter time with no pressure. She'll come out fine as long as she has your support.

[ummmm]

Well done little Pasta.

Travelling, if they get the opportunity, is great for confidence building.

[Black Noir]

Thanks everyone I really do appreciate your comments, including yours sqad!
There is a fine line between being a supportive/nurturing parent who wants the best for your child and yes ( I can admit it) being slightly cross and put out that she doesn't want to grasp a fantastic opportunity with both hands. I was talked out of going to Uni by my parents in favour of earning a crust !
So here's whats happened since last friday:
She is going to see a Counsellor today specializing in these types of teen anxieties.
I have suggested a gap year or extended holiday/volunteering next year
We are organizing lots of activities over this summer to get her out meeting new people - This might actually be the root of the problem as she has trouble socializing.
Anyway I do thank you all for your varied but really helpful suggestions.
BN

[whiskeryron]

See whether she would like a career in nursing. She could take a degree course & be well on the the way to a very good & useful career. My daughter got a Bsc in Maths & BioChemistry & then went into nursing, did General nursing,Midwifery, became one of the first Nurse Practitioners in the UK & is now a practising Health Visitor in Herefordshire. Wonderful career.