Still Missing Mum

[jambutty]

Hello everyone who was kind enough to reply to me when I posted my despair over losing Mum in early Sept. It hasn't got any better. I have a big hole inside me that I feel will never be filled again. I have gone through all the grief stages and am getting angry now that she has left me. Stupid I know because she had no choice in the matter. You know what hurts as well - the 'phone has stopped ringing now the funeral is over and people have got over the shock of her death, but I knew that would happen. Dreading Christmas and we used to love it so much. I'm still a mess.

[dannyk13]

I really feel for you.My wife died 12 years ago(just after our golden wedding anniversary)and although the pain has subsided I still miss her every day.It will get better.

[andy-hughes]

I am so sorry to hear that you are still hurting so much.

It is still very early in the period of grief, and it will take some time yet for the minute-by-minute pain to recede, it will, but it does take time.

What will happen is - you will find that as days go on, the raw grief recedes into a dull ache, but then something will set off the raw agony again - a scent, a song on the radio, a random thought.

This is all part of the grieving process, and there are no short cuts.

So although the pain feels endless and unbearable, it will get easier to bear with the passing of time.

Learn to go with your grief, don't fight it, if you need to cry, or shout, or whatever, then do it, it's good for you.

We are very bad at dealing with death, so we like to forget about it as soon as possible if it involves anyone other than a close relative. That is why people don't ring anymore. They feel uncomfortable, they don't want to say the wrong thing.

My belief is, if you have something meaningful to say, say it, and if not, say nothing - but keep in touch with a grieving friend or relative, it is in this 'getting use to the loss' phase that they need you the most.

There are plenty of kind people on here with direct experience of grief who will talk and listen to you - you are not on your own.

[Barmaid]

Jambutty, that is no time at all. You are bound to still be feeling dreadful.

Unfortunately, I deal with death all the time and the one thing I have learned is that no one person deals with it in the same way or in the same timescale as anyone else.

Stop putting yourself under pressure to feel better.

You may wish to consider talking to someone at a professional organisation such as cruse (www.cruse.org.uk).

[MargoTester]

It's still very early days jambutty so of course you are still missing you Mum, if you are anything like me you always will (30 years) but believe me when I say that it does get easier. The first year is the worst, everything is an 'anniversary' but then you begin to remember the happy times. A lot of people find it difficult to know whether to call or not so why don't you ring them and ask what they having been doing etc etc. They may then feel they are able to ring you for a chat.

[murraymints]

it will be a year on 29th since I lost my much loved dad..I think of him every day and miss him as much..but the pain does dull a bit with time...be kind to yourself..talk about mum with anyone that will listen..don't try to lock away your emotions and memories....and if it helps get some bereavement counselling....

[-SharonA-]

Jambutty, I lost my Mum 10 years ago and still miss her greatly. But over time it does get better. I still get moments when a song or family situations makes me think of her.

[ummmm]

I know how you feel.

I know things get better in time...yada yada...but there's always something missing.

As one of my friends said to me....your pain means you had love.

[237SJ]

I lost my mum last year and I could type a really long response but I am away from my laptop so have to keep it short (hate typing with two fingers) but I know how you feel. Someone told me that the pain of loss diminishes but the sense of loss never goes. Bereavement is a process that you have to go through and there are no short cuts - time is the only healer. I know it's a cliche but it's true. Don't be hard on yourself - your feelings are normal and it is very early days. You do need to talk though so try one of the bereavement services such as cruse.

[dannyk13]

///Someone told me that the pain of loss diminishes but the sense of loss never goes///
True,as Cilla Black sang "there's always something there to remind me"

[jambutty]

Thank you again for your kind answers, I am seriously thinking of asking my doctor for bereavement counselling as I am just not coping at all. I keep getting moments of hope and I feel for a nanosecond that she is still here and then I come tumbling back to earth again with a bump when I realise she's not. Dearest Mum I loved her so very much. Murray, I also lost my Dad just over a year ago, Mum lasted just 14 months to the day after him. Thank you a-h. All of you, so good to know that I can come on here and 'talk' - thank you xxx

[murraymints]

Jambutty there is always a friendly ear here night or day..thinking of you at this difficult and very sad time xx

[Barmaid]

Jambutty - on the link I gave there is a free helpline number. You could call them to discuss bereavement counselling? The only reason I say this is it could take a wee while to be referred by your GP. I dont know what things are like in your area or how long it might take.

[jambutty]

Yes danny, always something there to remind me. I used to ring her up to tell her things and things keep happening that I would have rung her up about and now can't. I don't think I've ever felt so alone in all my life as I do right now. Please anyone who still has their Mum and loves them, tell them you love them and hold them tight, believe me it's over all too soon.

[jambutty]

Thank you Barmaid, if I have no joy with my doctor, I will definitely try it x

[Old_Geezer]

It is still early days yet. It's not really a case of finding something to fill the hole she left behind, it's more a case of acceptance and coping without the emotional turmoil.

I'm no expert but I think anger is one of the possible stages on route to healing. Hang in there. The melancholy you say you have been through, and like it the anger will subside in time also.

[jennyjoan]

for me Jambutty - it was well over 2 years - I cried every single day. Then my boy and I split up and I cried for another 2 years.

I find events sadness, gladness etc etc come in 2 years. So I am just being blunt it will be at least 2 years to get rid of that sadness but you will have your memories. I did have an extended family.

My heart was so broken - when I came from work I just went to bed and got up to work (mind you sometimes I didn't go to work) I was just completely numb and void. But you could be a stronger person than I am and I hope you are. best wishes Jammy

[Schlomo78]

jambutty it will take a long time, I'm sorry to hear your hurt. I lost my Dad 9 years ago and my Mum 4 years ago. I got through it, as we all do eventually, but everything will be so raw for the next few years. The way I justified things was a) I had such a good relationship with my Mum and Dad that I suffered terribly emotionally from them dying - I'm actually lucky (!) lucky i had that relationship with them. So many people in this World DON'T have that. How lucky to have such an amazing parent and bond! I work in the care industry, and believe me, some people really couldn't care less.
B) Every day, with every choice you make, every good and moral thing you do and have passed on to your children, if you have any, is part of your Mum. She will always live on in you - I know that sounds trite, but it's true. These are things she's taught you, and made the person you are.
C) Embrace it, don't avoid the pain, don't feel bad or weak for being in pieces. The more you hold it in, the more it will damage you. Go to places you used to go and do things you used to do together, and remember the times you had together. If it makes you cry, or sad, then so be it- you had that time that was special and it's great that you did.

I would highly recommend bereavement counseling, unfortunately there was none available at the times for months, I ended up using a local charity who did subsidised counseling.
Big hugs to you.

[jambutty]

Thank you Schlomo, only just seen your post. I MUST seek counselling, but I keep thinking it won't bring her back and jj I am not strong at all, believe it or not, if I was not such a coward, I would take my own life, such is my sadness at her loss. Never felt this bad before in all my life and Christmas coming too.

[jambutty]

Sorry if that sounds overly dramatic, it's just the way I feel nowadays and I can't help it.

[Schlomo78]

Jambutty, I have just returned to Answer any - for some reason I don't get email notifications anymore and only saw this as have gone through my profile. How are things for you now? I hope you feel better and less despondant about things. *Hug*