Exam Stress

[rockyracoon]

My daughter has always been a high achiever at school and has sailed through exams and controlled assessments with ease. Her mocks, just before Christmas, were fantastic and her predicted GCSE grades are all A* and 9.

After Christmas, she started to be sick in the morning, just before school. I took her to the doctor who felt is was stress and gave her some techniques to help. The vomiting went away on it's own, but, the tears have replaced them. She's always been a bit emotional, but could usually be talked down, However, she seems to be in such a bad funk and I don't seem to be able to help. She hardly revised over the Easter holidays and has done little homework, which will add to the stress that she's already put herself under and she'll be seriously be beating herself up in school today.

I try to tell her that she's not the only one that is struggling at the moment as it's a stressful time for anyone doing exams, but she's not listening or being rational about it at the moment.

I really don't know what to do. She's actually scaring me a bit at the moment. I mentioned going to the docs again, but she is adamant that she won't go. Not sure what the doc could do anyway, as the exams start in 3 weeks.

The school keep piling on the pressure, so that's not helpful. I will be speaking to her Head of Year.

Any advice?

[anneasquith]

Yes, do as you intend .

[Sqad]

Two things come to mind.
1) Is she taking drugs?
2)Are we exhibiting "boy friend" prevalence?
There is nothing much you can do for exam preparation in 3 weeks.
You may have to "go with the flow " here.

[Sqad]

P.S I mean by "boyfriend prevalence".....could she be pregnant?

[Eve]

Could there be something hormonal at play, especially with the tearfulness, or some kind of problem like a fall out with a friend or bullying? Combined with exam stress would be an awful combination. Has she got plans sorted for after exams such as going to college that she is worrying about, not making the grades (feeling like her whole future depends on this), second guessing her plans, being separated from friends, even if it isn't anything logical or rational?

I'm not sure if it's suitable for non-adults but could something like Bach's Rescue Remedy help, something to give her a bit more of a crutch, even if psychological. You can also find guided relaxation on the internet if any of those could help her, such as switching off to sleep after revising. Is she getting enough sleep with revising and exam stress?

Maybe organise a nice treat or series of things for her to do once her exams are over, not associated with a reward for having done well, but things which might help her relax like a spa day. Something to look forward to and something to help remind her that there is more going on than the up and coming exams, which can be all consuming.

Is there anything she is in to, or might be, that could help give her something to channel her emotions? Something she enjoys but there might have been little time to do with school? Something like running or swimming?

Did you go to the doctor with her last time and, if so, would she consider going in on her own? Might help her open up a bit more if she doesn't want to worry you.

[rockyracoon]

Thanks all. No boyfriend or pregnancy, no drugs and no fall out with friends. It's all rather irrational to me.

She does use the Bach's Rescue Remedy, but, I'm not sure that it is being effective. We've had a couple of good days this week, though that might be down to me being off sick from work at the moment and her not wanting to stress me.

I don't think she's worried about Sixth Form, if anything I'd say uni bothers her more and she's not yet started her A levels. Maybe you've hit the nail on the head with regards to her future, though. She wants the best GCSE results as possible as she has her eye on Cambridge, but also, the course she wants to do is not widely offered at as many universities as she hoped. Still, she could so easily change her mind on want she wants to do (she hasn't studied A level Spanish yet!)

She needs Bs and 6s to get on the courses that she wants to do next year and to be honest, even if she tanks they'd still accept her.

When I took her to the doctors back in January, I asked to leave the room in case she wanted to speak freely, but she didn't want me to leave.

I have had a conversation with her this week about her revision. I think a lot of the problem is the school piling on homework (which I know is revision) and expecting a silly amount of hours of revision on top. So I told her to do what she feels is best for her at the moment and not worry about getting As for homework. It really isn't going to matter at this late stage.

[Eve]

The poor thing, I really hope she finds a way to be less unhappy and must be so difficult for you too. Cambridge is a lot of pressure.

Is she doing GCSE Spanish or the GSCE then A Level in a year each course? I did the latter and enjoyed it. If she is doing French then that is a good feeder for it.

[rockyracoon]

She's doing GCSE Spanish and will take it up to A level, along with History and Eng Lit. Though, she's had enough of her Eng teacher at the moment, so might change her mind to Geography. Her Chemistry teacher keeps trying to rope her in but she's adamant that she won't do a science.

She wants to do a joint degree in History and Spanish (at the moment!) A lot higher ed places only do Hispanic studies with History, which she's not interested in as in entails learning Portugese and she doesn't want to.

[Smowball]

Rocky , my son last year had his GCSEs. I actually got myself into a state as he didn't seem to be revising. I actually was a pain and kept nagging him etc. In the end he said look I either know it now or I don't, and I'll just revise a couple of days before each exam so I'll retain it. If I do it for weeks before it just won't work. So we agreed he'd do it his was. And he passed all 10. She sounds ever so bright Rocky so I would tell her to not panic and take a step back, and that whatever happens it will be ok.( and I also told my son that if he failed it wasn't the end of the world)

[rockyracoon]

I didn't worry so much about my son when he did his, I just dreaded the actual results coming in. He did outstandingly well, but it was only once he looked at his results and feeling the relief coming off him that I realised he must have been stressing more than I thought. He just never showed it.

[jno]

I was like Smow's son, no point in learnng stuff months in advance because I'd forget it all. Steady revision over the last couple of weeks, pour it all out ontot he paper, and I'd have forgotten most of it in another month.

But everyone does things a different way, and your daughter may be worrying that she should be doing it more like other people, that others seem to be working harder or better or something. Is she approaching revision the way she's done it before? If so you can reassure her that what's worked in the past should work again and that it's too late in the day to disrupt work patterns.

[Tilly2]

She shouldn't be revise in for more than half an hour a slot. Two half hours separated by an hour of something totally different will be much more beneficial. So, an hour a night with a break in between.

[Tilly2]

^ She shouldn't be revising ^

[rockyracoon]

That's a bit of the problem jno. She has her own way which has always worked for her. She makes mind maps and I have to buy loads of index cards as she works with them as well. The school seem to be shifting advice. I told her to just do what she has always done and *** the school.
Tilly, an hour a night just wouldn't be enough for 10 subjects, not for her anyway. If she only did an hour she would feel she is under achieving.

[Maydup]

I suggest you call a helpline, and chat it through. You need a bit of support yourself in order to help her. Try this link for thr relationship helpline.

http://www.thespark.org.uk/exam-stress-tips-parents-students/

[Barmaid]

Rocky, I feel for you, I really do. It must be hard to see one of your babies in such a bad place.

I'm not a mum so I dont really know.

My suggestion is you have a "girl's day out". Go for lunch at her favourite place and do something she likes (pictures, shopping, whatever). Give her some time out.

I think reassuring her that the absolute worst that can happen is she fails. And if she does, she can retake. And if that doesnt work there are other chances. If it helps teel her this, I failed my A levels (big stylee) and I was written off, didnt stop me getting a first in law and coming top of my year in bar finals.........

She is awfully lucky to have a mum like you.

[jno]

it's a bit late in the day for schools to be telling pupils how to revise and they certainly shouldn't be creating upheaval by telling pupils to change their ways. I'd do exactly as you have. If she's been successful in the past, then she knows her own mind better than the school. One size does not fit all when it comes to studying. Good luck to her.

[Maydup]

Or this one from Family Lives, there is good advice out there, don't be afraid to ask for it.

http://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/school-learning/exam-stress/

[sherrardk]

Tell her that an hour a night is fine for now - she can switch to full-on revision when she is on study leave. Also tell her to ignore the school's advice and do her revision the way she wants - everyone's different. Is there any chance that she is worried about letting you down?

[sherrardk]

Ps - if she insists on working herself to death make her agree that she will do something for herself for at least an hour every day (and say she has to prove it to you and you will leave her to do things her own way).

[rockyracoon]

Thanks all. I'll look at those links, maydup, thank you. BM, thank you. I tell her that. She feels that GCSEs are the be all and end all at the moment. It doesn't help that the school tell her the unis look at GCSE grades as well as A level. I doubt they have too much interest in them to be honest. Most of them seem to be scratching for students. My son got an unconditional offer from Goldsmith's a few weeks ago.

I'll do the girls day out in a couple of weeks when I'm a bit better, and I've booked us on a holiday to Greece for a week, leaving couple of days after her prom.

Hi Sherr, nice to see you posting. I'm going to drag her off the computer in a minute so she can watch Grey's with me.