My Daughter Is Socially Isolated

[sherrardk]

My eldest daughter, 12 years old, is in her first year at high school (year 7) but is miserable as sin. I knew things weren't great but the full extent has become clearer today. She spends lunchtimes alone and rarely gets spoken to in class. I believe this is because she is very clever and her old friends know that she isn't interested in what she views as childish gossip and the new kids don't know how to interact with her. There is a parents' consultation day next week but she would be mortified (and v upset - it's her default setting when she can't cope with a situation) if I brought it up as she will be present. Has anyone had to deal with a similar situation or have thoughts on how we can deal with this situation?

[sapelesam]

Sherrardk, may I ask why private school is out of the question.

[sherrardk]

She's v stressed and has been crying - I know she's stressed as she picks the skin off the inside of her fingers until they are red raw. She burst into tears when she got home and it took me nearly two hours to get to the bottom of it.

[sherrardk]

Saplesam - because I can't afford it.

[sapelesam]

Don't know if you read my 20.03 post but I had to be brief. I actually spent two days on the phone talking to every private school within 30 miles. It wasn't easy but we found a fully funded place. They even gave funding for uniform and sports kit. Try calling some schools, you have nothing to lose but your time.

[sherrardk]

Thanks Sam, it's something to consider but I have five children and I would have to handle it v carefully if it was possible.

[gness]

Sherr.....if not being able to afford it is your only reason for not considering private education do think again...

I had one very gifted child.....For infant and junior years we could afford a good local private school....
Later we couldn't really afford a private education close to home but.....and this is a long and odd tale I'll skip...... it resulted in the head of a top private school phoning us and offering a scholarship if she attended his school...
Private schools want kids who will get them good results and will do lots to help....
So...if you aren't against one of your children having a private education....a chat with some private schools, if there are any near you...might be good for her.....x

[gness]

Sorry, Sam......you weren't there when I started and it takes ages to type on this machine......but that's two of us with the same idea....x

[sapelesam]

Good one Gness, the more encouragement the better. Her 12 year old sounds at the end of her tether.

[sherrardk]

Thanks Gness, I'll consider it but I would ideally like to keep her in mainstream education. I've no doubt that the school can cope with her academic abilities (I love the school) but I would be concerned that she would have social problems in any setting.

[tamborine]

Is she into any sport, music or pets. Joining likeminded would get her mixing.

[gness]

Difficult isn't it, Sherr...I took some stick working in the state system and sending one of mine to private school....but for her it was the best thing I did otherwise I was making her hide her light under the bushel all the time.....though I did make sure she mixed with the local kids through theatre and music......
I was lucky.....everything worked well......but I know it's not easy....especially if you have more than one child..x

[sherrardk]

It's tricky Gness, I actually think she would be better off just being a bit bright. The school seem to be managing her academic abilities but I don't think they are aware of the associated bits - I had to contact them last week as she had a meltdown about a signing assessment that she though she would have to do in front of the class. I'm going to contact the head of year and have a chat about my daughter as a whole person.

[sapelesam]

As the middle one of three children, I was the one privately educated. I genuinely believe I wouldn't have succeeded without it. I had already been moved up two years in junior school and my boredom led to really bad behaviour. I was fortunate to get a scholarship and although I found senior school very difficult at first, eventually I found friends and did well in exams.

[andres]

Is this your daughter who was being bullied ? I remember your posting before Christmas. Did you manage to sort that problem or is it still ongoing?
As to the situation now does she have any interests at all? Swimming,dancing, drama, athletics maybe. Things that girls of her age like to do. If you could get her into some activity outside of school it might just give her the confidence boost that she needs. Then hopefully she will become more socially integrated with her classmates.

[cassa333]

I have not read the other replays but your daughter sounds very much like mine. We believe she has Autism and are in the process of having her tested and whatever needs doing.

Does your daughter cope with change and disruption? Does she get upset in an almost tantrum sort of way that jumps up seemingly out of nowhere?

[sherrardk]

It was my youngest daughter who was being bullied (I have a lot of kids), currently all is quiet on the bullying front but the 'bully' has caused one child to move schools.
My daughter in question doesn't have any interest in group activities or doing practical things or things youngsters of her age enjoy - it seems to be associated with her academic ability, she's at her happiest when she achieves. She's perfectly happy at home where we all 'get her'.

[sherrardk]

Hi cassa, no, she doesn't display any autistic traits, she's just academically gifted (which sound braggy but she just is).

[gness]

That's it though, Sherr.......hiding her light by wanting her to be just bright....
A school that doesn't just manage her academic abilities.....but takes those as the norm and expands the social side of her personality and school life can make the difference....I know it did for my daughter....
Mainstream is fine for many....my son would have been lost in private education.....excelled in a state school that was good with sports....
I worked in the state system before I had my daughter...by the time she was three I knew she'd be lost because, I'll bet you know this, state schools have to concentrate so much on special needs that the gifted get lost.....sad but I know it happens...x

[sherrardk]

I'm going to contact the school tomorrow - there's only 500 in the whole school so I'm pretty confident that once I've explained the social side to the head of year that something will be implemented (I know that they find it hard to see the whole person). Her primary school were excellent with her because they knew her, her high school currently see her as a group of SAT marks and assessment scores, no one has put the dots together yet but they will :)

[sapelesam]

Sherrardk, I'm so glad your daughter confides in you, I can tell from your posts that you'll do what's best for her. Good luck with your endeavours. Keep us posted, I know a lot of AB's will be researching resources that can help you.