Boarding School

[Malachite]

The mother of my 11 year old Godson is trying to get him into a boarding school and I'm not happy with it.
A little background:
I've known and been a close friend to her for 26 years and my Godson since birth, I have been minding him 1-3 days a week since he was about 5. She and the father split up when my Godson was a toddler. His father is quite distant from him and their relationship is not very good. The connection between her and the father is very acrimonious.

I have always had issues with boarding schools since I was an army brat and this was a popular choice due the constant moves as a result of being posted to different places.
My parents chose not to have myself and my brother sent to boarding school and the thought of such a thing was horrific to me as our family was (and still is) fairly close knit.
She says she is doing it because she thinks it will be good for him, it is a private school and is quite "sports" orientated and my godson is quite athletic. I think that she is pushing him away because he is entering adolescence and she (as a single parent) can't handle the prospect of it getting difficult even with my input, they are very close but he is already getting a bit stroppy and uncooperative at times.
She has said that even if he doesn't settle and has a hard time she is going to tell him him "tough, you have to get on with it".
I am very fretful about this because I think he will take it as a rejection and it seems to me almost like sending him off to foster parents. Besides, I will miss him and I know he will miss me.

Thoughts?

[ummmm]

I wouldn't do it.

How long ago did they split?

[ummmm]

Sorry...just reread it. Toddler.

[shoota]

Depends entirely on the school in question.
I was a boarder, first school was carp, second was marvellous and I flourished....

[ummmm]

See...it can go either way. It could be the making of him.

[Malachite]

I'm just looking for reassurance.
It seems totally unnatural to me to send the young 'un away like this unless circumstance would make it the only option.
His mother's siblings were all shipped off to boarding schools and they all turned out to be academically successful but are emotional robots. Mum is the opposite: academically unsuccessful but very loving and caring.
I can't stand the possibility of helplessly watching the undoing of an extremely empathic compassionate boy being forced through a mincer that leads to a similar outcome.

[Cloverjo]

You don't say what the boy thinks about this.
Boarding schools are very different to how they were in the past.
If he was only 7 or 8 I'd be worried too. But at 11 he might have a great time and do well.

[Malachite]

Thanks Cloverjo, he tends to do what he thinks makes his nearest and dearest happy. He does what he's told, sometimes reluctantly, sometimes willingly. He often agrees to things he feels pressured into then protests further down the line.

[Malachite]

..it is my belief that he is being FORCED into this.

[Malachite]

For example, his Mum hired a voice coach (because he can sing well) who was a trained opera singer. I sent her a batch of songs -printed and on CD- that he likes to sing, she ignored it and tried to get him to sing opera, he wasn't into it, his Mum (and I) tried to encourage him to try it and it didn't work out, though we had a tough time finding out that he wasn't into it.

[Eleena]

Hi,
if as you say she is a good loving mum, then she's obviously doing what she thinks is best in the long term. May be she thinks not to send him there would be considerably lessening the potential and chances she sees for him. If she's a loving mum wouldn't she withdraw him after a time of he hadn't settled? I have no personal experience of how mature an 11 year old can be, but would think it's on the cusp of growing up to be a more independent adult. Who knows, it might be very good for him. How do 'you're see him coping knowing him as you do?

[Eleena]

*you*

[Eleena]

Sometimes our own experiences 'colour' our thoughts on things. I come from a working class background and would find it an extremely painful thing to watch. It would depend what kind of a boy he is, could be handle giving it a try?

[Eleena]

*he*

[Eleena]

When I say I have no experience of how mature an eleven year old is, what I mean is I've forgotten! I do have two adult children of my own Malachite.

[Malachite]

Thanks Eleena. I hear from him that he's willing to give it a go, and of course, if it works out for him, he has my blessing. It's the 'process' that worries me ie. why his Mum has chosen to follow suit with what HER Mum did with her siblings who are all now emotional robots.
re. "If she's a loving mum wouldn't she withdraw him after a time of he hadn't settled?" She took advice from her brother who told her to tell him he has "no choice".

[Eleena]

I suppose she really feels she just wants him too have the optimum best possible chance at succeeding in where he shows promise and that she'd be failing him as a mum if she didn't give him a chance at that. She's probably also going off the experience of her own brothers success too. Surely if the boy wasn't settled, regardless of what anyone says, she wouldn't let him suffer emotionally?

[wolf63]

I was not in 1963, my parens were working class. My brother was Catholic and my dad protestant.

My mum wanted to a local boarding school that was Catholic. She decided this without talking it over with my dad. I don't know whether dad talked to mum or how it was resolved. I didn't go to boarding school.

If I had gone I am sure that they would have been able to give me a better education. I didn't thrive at school or go to University (I have always had a poor memory and a high IQ) but I found a good job. I had to give up working in 2004 for health reasons.

After typing all that out I have lost my way and have forgotten or mislaid my train of though.

The boy may thrive at boarding school but he may have huge regrets when he gets older.

You never know what he might become - maybe if I had gone to boarding school and university I may be doing Teresa May's job.

[Malachite]

Thanks. I hope not. If she forces him to stay despite him not settling. I will personally go there and make sure he has my contact details as a 'lifeline' then break ties with her.

[Malachite]

My last answer was for Eleena.

Wolf63. Of course I would want the best for him educationally but I want even more for him to be emotionally solid and happy.
It's the classic "rather a happy dustman than an unhappy professor".
I love him to bits and would hate for him to come out an emotional robotic shell with rejection issues.

[Eleena]

Malachite. I know where you're coming from in how you feel and your concerns. See what happens. As far as contact with him, technology has advanced much and makes things far easier. If you haven't already, look in to ' facetime' There's probably a whole host of other ways to keep in contact x