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Love Or Money? Would I Be A Fool To Accept These Terms?
32 Answers
Can I start off by asking, please be kind. I am heart broken, and hurting.
So you may have seen my previous posts.
I was with a man I love still, very deeply. I am a single parent and have nothing. I live in a housing association property. I am a nurse, so I've always tried to become something, but sadly it's not happened.
I'm not a very confident nor assertive person.
I fell in love 4 years ago with a man who accepted me for being me, and I felt like the luckiest woman alive.
I've been homeless , and am frightened to death of that happening again to my daughter and I.
My ex put his house on the market, and it just recently sold for £375k. He called me to tell me he'd enquired about a mortgage and they'd declined me (we were getting a top up mortgage for £100k)which absolutely gutted me as I've not been in debt for 6 yrs. I've paid everything on time,in the hope I could get a mortgage one day. That was that.
My brother subsequently said "make sure your name is on the mortgage", so with a bit of dutch courage, on Wed I asked him this. It seems I hit a nerve. It ended up in a full blown argument, with him throwing in my face it would have been easier if I had money/mortgage, which I already knew but can't help.
He then shouted "it's not my fault your dad died and left you nothing" (something I struggle with daily. The fact my dad just died, being a rich man, and knowing I had nothing, just left this world). That snipe hurt me so much.
He then told me the £375 k equity was his daughter's inheritance, and that i was lucky because he'd be paying 2/3rds of our monthly mortgage payments and me 1/3rd.
I asked him, should anything happen to him, what would happen to my daughter and I. He replied that I could have what I'd paid in, but the house would be his daughter's so my daughter and I would be tenants, and if she chose to sell it at least I'd get what I paid in. Which wouldn't be enough to get a new home, and I'd likely end up on a council list again.
He then proceeded to shout at me "I'm *** leaving this, my ex wife stung me, I can't deal with it" then grabbed his keys to drive 20 miles home. I tried to take his car keys off him and shouted that he'd been drinking, but he snatched them off me and left.
So, we're over.
I want for you to believe me, but understand you don't know me, but I'm in no way a money grabber, I'm quite the opposite. I've never asked for anything in 4 years.
All I want is to be treated as an equal. I understand he wants to protect his money, but I'm not his ex. My dad's wife never gave me a thing of my dad's. I still have counselling, for feeling I wasn't loved by my dad, and I finally thought I'd found a man who did love me, for just me, but it seems that comes with terms.
I've always been kind and giving.
I am utterly heartbroken, was I wrong not to accept his terms?
Should I just forget him? (I'm 45,he's 52).
It would seem that money is more important than love.
I'd always wanted to get married, but he said we needed a home first, but he never intended on marrying me, as that would mean I could claim half, but that's not what I wanted, I just loved him. Nothing more. Just love.
To me, love is the most important thing, but I guess I can say that without money.
I thought he truly loved me.
I can't sleep nor eat, I'm devastated.
So you may have seen my previous posts.
I was with a man I love still, very deeply. I am a single parent and have nothing. I live in a housing association property. I am a nurse, so I've always tried to become something, but sadly it's not happened.
I'm not a very confident nor assertive person.
I fell in love 4 years ago with a man who accepted me for being me, and I felt like the luckiest woman alive.
I've been homeless , and am frightened to death of that happening again to my daughter and I.
My ex put his house on the market, and it just recently sold for £375k. He called me to tell me he'd enquired about a mortgage and they'd declined me (we were getting a top up mortgage for £100k)which absolutely gutted me as I've not been in debt for 6 yrs. I've paid everything on time,in the hope I could get a mortgage one day. That was that.
My brother subsequently said "make sure your name is on the mortgage", so with a bit of dutch courage, on Wed I asked him this. It seems I hit a nerve. It ended up in a full blown argument, with him throwing in my face it would have been easier if I had money/mortgage, which I already knew but can't help.
He then shouted "it's not my fault your dad died and left you nothing" (something I struggle with daily. The fact my dad just died, being a rich man, and knowing I had nothing, just left this world). That snipe hurt me so much.
He then told me the £375 k equity was his daughter's inheritance, and that i was lucky because he'd be paying 2/3rds of our monthly mortgage payments and me 1/3rd.
I asked him, should anything happen to him, what would happen to my daughter and I. He replied that I could have what I'd paid in, but the house would be his daughter's so my daughter and I would be tenants, and if she chose to sell it at least I'd get what I paid in. Which wouldn't be enough to get a new home, and I'd likely end up on a council list again.
He then proceeded to shout at me "I'm *** leaving this, my ex wife stung me, I can't deal with it" then grabbed his keys to drive 20 miles home. I tried to take his car keys off him and shouted that he'd been drinking, but he snatched them off me and left.
So, we're over.
I want for you to believe me, but understand you don't know me, but I'm in no way a money grabber, I'm quite the opposite. I've never asked for anything in 4 years.
All I want is to be treated as an equal. I understand he wants to protect his money, but I'm not his ex. My dad's wife never gave me a thing of my dad's. I still have counselling, for feeling I wasn't loved by my dad, and I finally thought I'd found a man who did love me, for just me, but it seems that comes with terms.
I've always been kind and giving.
I am utterly heartbroken, was I wrong not to accept his terms?
Should I just forget him? (I'm 45,he's 52).
It would seem that money is more important than love.
I'd always wanted to get married, but he said we needed a home first, but he never intended on marrying me, as that would mean I could claim half, but that's not what I wanted, I just loved him. Nothing more. Just love.
To me, love is the most important thing, but I guess I can say that without money.
I thought he truly loved me.
I can't sleep nor eat, I'm devastated.
Answers
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No, apparently the person he went to re the mortgage did a soft credit search on me and said no. I really don't understand why because I've clawed back all my debts since I was homeless (6 years ago) he paid £1400 off on my credit card in Feb, so I'm paying him £239 each month. So I have no debts, I might soon with the cost of living mind!
I was never invited to any meetings- or privy to any telephone calls, he told me that's what they said. I had covid , so I was ill when he delivered the blow too.... It's not been a good time of late. xx
I was never invited to any meetings- or privy to any telephone calls, he told me that's what they said. I had covid , so I was ill when he delivered the blow too.... It's not been a good time of late. xx
The last thing you need is to be on the mortgage, this would actually give you less security. Should your (ex) partner default on the payments, or die suddenly without a life policy asigned to the mortgage company, and also leave the house to his daughter you would be responsible for all the remaining debt.
To have any security you need to have your name on the Deeds, this could be done as tenants in common and he would only have to assign you a small percentage of the ownership.
To have any security you need to have your name on the Deeds, this could be done as tenants in common and he would only have to assign you a small percentage of the ownership.
Yes Bednobs, but Anne would have to sign a Letter of Consent, this conifrms her understanding of the risks of borrowing being taken out by the other party. Unless things have changed anyone taking out a mortgage on a property where they have children over 18 living at home has to get them all to sign one.
Anne, I hope you are still looking in.
Under no circumstances can ANYONE do a credit check on you ,soft or hard, without informing you and getting your consent. Even when you go on comparison sights for Insurance and the like, there is a message saying, 'we may perform a soft credit search, by continuing you consent to this'. For a nurse you seem incredibly naive and needy.
Become a bit more self-reliant. It's very easy to access your own credit score and totally free. It may very well be that because of your recent debt your credit score is low at the moment -sometimes it can take up to 3 months to update.
To be fair though, I also think the 'deal' he has proposed should he die is pretty decent. However, because I think he's lied to you over the credit check, I would hazard a guess he may do the same thing over this deal. If you decide to stay with him and accept the deal make 100% sure you see all the relevant paperwork including a copy of his Will and the Land Registry documents, which will need to be changed to provide you with recompense should the property be sold by his daughter.
Under no circumstances can ANYONE do a credit check on you ,soft or hard, without informing you and getting your consent. Even when you go on comparison sights for Insurance and the like, there is a message saying, 'we may perform a soft credit search, by continuing you consent to this'. For a nurse you seem incredibly naive and needy.
Become a bit more self-reliant. It's very easy to access your own credit score and totally free. It may very well be that because of your recent debt your credit score is low at the moment -sometimes it can take up to 3 months to update.
To be fair though, I also think the 'deal' he has proposed should he die is pretty decent. However, because I think he's lied to you over the credit check, I would hazard a guess he may do the same thing over this deal. If you decide to stay with him and accept the deal make 100% sure you see all the relevant paperwork including a copy of his Will and the Land Registry documents, which will need to be changed to provide you with recompense should the property be sold by his daughter.
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