Step-children - feelings for them

[PinkFizz]

Is it wrong to not love your partners children?? Does it come in time or not? My partner has a 6 yr old daughter and whilst I have tried and waited for emotional feeling for her to kick in they just haven't.Don't get me wrong,I spend as much time and attention to her as my own son but I just don't feel anything for her.She only stays every other weekend and I have known her for 2 years. I just feel kind of guilty about this.

[Garamond]

I feel a little uneasy answering this question as I don't feel I'm qualified but as a human being I shouldn't be too concerned about this. Natural love for one's children comes from the fact that they were from your body. This can't be said of this child. I think so long as you can refrain from actually hating or detesting her, I'd let nature take it's course. Emotions can't be faked, not for very long anyway.

[Lonnie]

To love someone elses children is very hard, it'll have to grow with time, I appreciate your predicament,, You can't discipline her, and its hard to spontaneously show affection.
I think the way forward, even though she's so young, would be just friendship, and not force yourself on her, (I'm not saying you do, just one more thing not to do),

Just be friendly, and if the time comes that you and your partner move in together, hers and your feelings will grow together.

I wish you all the best.

[ummmm1]

No, it's not wrong. You can't help how you feel. As long as you try your hardest to show some affection then I'm sure it will come in time. Every two weeks is not a lot of time. That's 52 times in the last two years. Not a lot.

[PinkFizz]

Thanks guys.We have lived together for 2 years and to be honest when we first got together he didn't see her for 2 months due to circumstances,then the fortnightly arrangement came into place. I honestly treat her and my son equally and can do this with ease,but I feel nothing for her,and would not be bothered if she came round or not which I know sounds terrible,but it how I feel.

[katangel26]

Don't feel guilty, it's natural. I didn't have any feelings whatsoever for my exes son, who was 6 even though I had a son myself (who was 3 at the time). To be honest it was more of a chore having him round, which does sound awful, but that was how I felt. I still treated him the same though but just had no connection with him which, if you think about it, makes absolute sense. It does change though, it's just like getting to know someone, it takes time.

[Fairie]

hiya i have 3 children of my own and 3 step children (my partners children) we have been together 4 yrs and i see 2 of his children for a couple of hours every sunday and the eldest (17) about once a month. But, we all get along nicely, i dont try to be a mother to them just a friend and that works for us all. I do love them now, but i must admit its not like i love my own. i think it works itself out in the end.

[andy-hughes]

Look at this from your step-daughter's perspective.

Her mum and dad's marriage - the supposedly indestructable bedrock of her short existance has come apart, and Daddy loves someone else. She is going to find it really hard to find a way to love you - quite apart from your feelings for her!

I do know what I'm talking about - my two eldest daughters are my step-children, and we have a third daughter as well. They were six and four when I appeared, and it was a difficult adjustment for everyone.

You need to approach this relationship carefully. On no account try to pretend you are her 'new' mum - but make it clear that you make her dad happy, and you want her to help you with that - get her on your side.

Be affectionate when she wants to - but give her space when she doesn't. Follow her lead, and try to spend some of your time with her just with you and her, doing girly things like shopping, or cooking, even just watching TV, to give her a feeling that this is natural and relaxed.

Children of this age are adaptable, but remember, she may hear conflicting information from home, but don;t force the issue - prove you are the 'good guy' with your approach and attitude to her.

The fundamental rule is that you and your partners must back each other up. If she asks you for a sweet and you say 'No, dinner's ready ...' then dad's answer when she asks him (and she wiil!) must be along the lines of "Pink has said no, no point asking me ...". If she can divide you, she will - that's not her being spiteful against you, it's what children do - biological or step-children, that's the way they behave. What you have to do is not fret from an adult perspective, just establish and keep the rules, that gives her security, and she will gradually come around to developing a relationship with you.

ctd.

[andy-hughes]

It's not easy - parenthood (and that's what you are into now) never is, but the rewards are massive. My older daughters are thirty-two and thirty now, and I may not be their 'father', but I am, and always will be their Dad.

[Pippa68]

Not wrong at all ~ as long as you care and are there for her, it's all that matters!

I used to worry about this too. My stepdaughter was almost 3 when Mr P and I got together..I didn't like her much, to be honest but in time I have grown very fond of her. Love is a very strong word!

Stepdaughter is now almost 14 and we are mates. It was always my intention to be her friend and not her mum and hopefully I have achieved that. She has told me that I am more caring towards her than her own mother which I take with a pinch of salt as I don't want to enter any competitions ;o)

I will agree that the time you have had with her is very small ~ this may grow over time and you may find yourself actually liking her. If not, as long as you remain a steadfast in her life & aren't mean all will be fine.

You may amaze yourself, Pink! xxxx

[sunshine32]

Loving someone elses child doesn't come naturally. Don't spend your time worrying about it, enjoy your time with her and one day you may realise you are actually quite fond of her. Love may follow.

[bex401]

I'm in exactly the same situation as you Pink,and feel exactly the same.Nice to know I'm not alone,I find it incredibly difficult & hope with time things will change.You're not alone.Hugs Bex.X

[lilacben]

Hi Pink, dont try too hard just be a friend to her and take it slowly. It must be very hard for her as well. love Brenda x

[l15a27]

i felt the same for many years and eventually those feelings came i adore her now but shes 17 and it took a long time she used to really irritate me now she loves me as i love her, so dont feel bad it will happen