adoption

[animalover]

my adopted daughter is now 18 and keen to trace her birth mum she doesnt want social services involved and doesnt want to pay i have names and birth dates how do we begin

[Ethel]

If the surname is not a common one, you could start with this site:

http://b4usearch.com/index.cfm?event=search_pe ople_find:Display

Or even try Friends Reunited.

It would be far easier through Social Services - birth mum may have left contact details for her.

[smudge]

I posted a message on the following website, on behalf of a very close female relative of mine:

http://www.ukpeoplefinder.com/

This message eventually lead to Mum & her adopted son being happily reunited in 2004, after 39 years.

I wish your daughter every success with her search & admire you so much for assisting her.

The reason I mention this, is because in our case, the adoptive Mum of the young man, forbade him ever to try to make contact with his birth Mother. This led him to do so behind her back & she died in October 2006, never knowing that not only had he found his birth Mum, an older brother & extended family, but that he was so very, very happy.

He truly loved his adoptive Mum & it broke his heart not to be able to talk to her about finding his birth Mum - but that was her decision & would never waiver.

[smudge]

P.S. UK People Finder, is of course if you live in the UK. - but even if you don't, you may have done at some point & someone out there might be able to assist - if & when they see a certain person's name pop up.

Good luck to you all.

[smudge]

BTW - I used the Message Match part of UK People Finder & it didn't cost me a penny.

[JK2]

Try the following website www.norcap.org.uk. Norcap are the main organisation for helping both birth mothers and adopted children. They are a charity.

I am a birth mum who traced my adopted son when he was 38 (he's 42 now). He can't tell his adopted mum that we have met - we have to keep it secret - which is not ideal. However we have a great relationship.

Sometimes it is better to go through Social Services or someone like Norcap rather than trying to find the mum direct. If she is married and hasn't told her husband - and perhaps other children - about having a child adopted and has had to keep the secret for years, she may react badly if contacted direct and refuse contact because she's scared of them knowing.

If you do it through the professionals, they will contact her very discreetly and will not let anyone else know but her. She can then, if necessary make initial contact with your daughter without her own family knowing at that point.

You stand more chance in a case like that of having a reunion rather than a refusal. No birth mum will want to refuse but if her circumstances are difficult she may be forced to if you don't handle it carefully.

Good luck.

[JK2]

It has just occurred to me that you may not be in the UK - Norcap is a UK charity.

Also wanted to say how pleased I am for your daughter that you want to help her - it causes my son a lot of problems that he has to hide our relationship from his mum. It is so much better for your daughter if she can share everything with you.

[smudge]

Hi JK2 - I hope you don't mind, but I emailed this page to my very close relative, who isn't a member of AB.

She, like me, was amazed at how similar your stories were, 'specially about you both being happily reunited with your sons after many years & of their adoptive Mums not wanting to know & having to keep it a secret.

She is also very happy for you & that like her, has a very good relationship with her son & extended family.

P.S. She also sends her very best wishes to you too animalover & thinks you are a wonderful person in helping your daughter find her birth Mum.

Good luck.

[animalover]

jk2 and smudge thanx for your answers i decided social services quickest option and have got the ball rolling.they know where she lives so my daughter wont have to wait too long.i fostered for a number of years and have my own birth children so i have seen adoption from all sides also i have a sister that was adopted i knew nothing about her untill i was 36.i know i would be the same its the need to see who you are and what made you it will be interesting for me to see what she has inherited from her birth family and what comes from us.also i want to thank her as without her i wouldnt have had the privalage of caring for a truely wonderful young lady good luck to you all too animalover