Residential home /a**hole uncle

[bekah]

My grandma is currently in hospital waiting to be moved to a residntial home. She has lived with my mother in our house for the last 15 years, with no help from her other brothers/sisters who at most visited 4 times a year (they live approx 25 minutes away).

My idyit uncle is now pretending to be the doting son, and wants my grandma moving to a home round the corner from him, and is refusing all other options, including one that is half way between the two houses. My mum will not stick up for herself and I can see that he will get his own way as per usual, even though, due to her shift work it would be nearly impossible for her to visit as often as she would like to.

He cant seem to comprehend that it is not about him, and that my Grandma hated that area the first time he forced her to live there. She has now been in hospital for over a month (my mum has visited nearly every day) he couldnt even be bothered showing up for her birthday.

He has told the social worker that there is no way that she is going to the half way point as....no-one would visit her. My mum won't argue her point to the social worker, and I'm just scared that she will be moved away from the one person who she could always truly depend on. My grandma has dementia, so cannot really give her views-but we all know she would want to be near my mum.

Really don't know where to turn, the social have given til the end of the week for them both to make up their mind, but my mum won't even phone him as she hates confrontation. Please help!!

[dot.hawkes]

If your grandmas is moved to this home, your uncle will be the emergency contact person on a 24 hour basis, you need to get your mum to drop that into the converstaion and tell him he is very good takling on such a big responsibility.
It isn't fair that your grandma is stuck in the middle of all this, nor is it fair that your mum feels so helpless, Your uncle needs to know that any money your grandma has is going to all go on her new accomodation and so it is going to drain any savings rapidly, has he considered this? it is better to find out iof the reason he wants her there is because it is actually cheaper accomodation.

[bekah]

Unfortunately he has already had most of her money anyway so she has very little finances. Our whole argument is that its about my grandma not him, and he is coming up with all kinds of excuses as to why he could not travel to the half way point.

Personally I think the decision is going to be left to the social worker (unless my mother backs down) and I can't see why she would chose a home miles away from her permanent carer of the last 15 years to a place half way between the 2.

[noxlumos]

Could you speak to the social worker and explain exactly what you just have to us, and explain too that your uncle is an unpleasant bully whose bullying your Mum who has been your Nan's full time carer and that she doesn't feel able to stand up to him adequately. Maybe then the social worker will have a quiet chat with your Mum and get a more relaistic picture. ~So sorry you are going through this. Families can be such ar5e holes.

[joko]

its because its convenient for him to visit her without a long drive, just in passing - he knows your mum will make the trip no matter how long the drive is, but he can't be bothered.

is there any will involved? it could be that he thinks, as she is old, its time to act like a loving son so he can get his hands on her money etc?

[mifta]

I have nursed elderly people with mental health concerns for many years and your problem is an all too common one.

Who is her appointee? If she hasn't got one you or your mum could apply to become her power of attorney.

The law relating to decision making for vulnerable adults is changing. Have a look at this site.
http://www.rethink.org/living_with_mental_illn ess/rights_and_laws/laws_you_need_to_know_abou t/mental_capacity.html
Hope it helps

[bekah]

Thanks very much for all your help, the decision has to be reached by tomorrow - and were hoping the social worker can see through the arrogance of him and make sure that my grandma is nearest to my mother - I'll let you know the outcome when the time comes.

[lizwizz]

Has your mum actually been to these homes? Sometimes its better to go and see where you think somebody might be more comfortable and settled. You get a feel for how well run the home is, what the accommodation is like, what the residents will be doing all day (ie activities organised or do they just sit in front of the TV all day). Its sometimes easier to make a decision on this basis rather than the location of the home. Also if your mum doesn't think your gran would be happy somewhere, maybe it would be easier for her to stand up for her. I know this isn't exactly what you were asking, but I hope it helps a little.

[bekah]

The inevetibale has happened and we had a call from the social workers 'assistant' to tell us my grandma is not only going near my uncle - but is on her way there now, no explanation and the social worker is too busy to answer any questions. So p*ssed off at our joke of social services, I always thought their purpose was to do whats best for the individual. Apparently it all boiled down to one being �20 cheaper then the other, (which I personally would have paid given the option). So my grandma went last night, with no clothes, and not even a call to my mother to give her any details, 30 miles away from the family that looked after her for 15 years.

I just want to thank you all for your advice - and any more on any options we may have.

[WendyS]

Has anybody talked to your mother about getting an Enduring/Lasting Power of Attorney for your grandmother, which would then give your mother the legal power to make all the necessary decisions on her behalf.? Your mother would need to see a solicitor to draw this up and your grandmother would need to sign it.
I'm afraid the blunt reality is that if your mother is not prepared to be more assertive and stand up and fight on her mother's behalf, she will not be able to do anything about the situation. . Sometimes you just have to have the guts to do things outside your normal comfort zone if you see the vulnerable people you love being taken advantage of. If your mother is granted Power of Attorney, she will then have the legal right to force Social Workers to take more notice of your grandmother's welfare. If your mother can't or won't force the issue, your grandmother will sadly have to stay in the home to which she has just been taken.