Problem with 14 Year old attitude and attendance at school

[debbie3103]

I have 14 year old daughter who is refusing to go to school. She has been referred for counselling as last week she sent a note to me saying that she wanted to die because no body loves her and everyone would be happier if she were dead ... I took her to gp and that is when counselling was suggested. She had the rest of last week off school with "period pains" that have not actually started (she had first period in jan and none since). I have done a pregnancy test just in case (she "was not sure if she could be or not"!).

I am in my now 3rd year of remission with cancer tumour (top apex of lung); I have tried to explain to her that I really do not need any extra worry that she is giving me.

Is there any where I can go for help for her? We live in Croydon, Surrey.

[joko]

whether you have cancer or not she is your daughter and it is your responsibilty to deal with this - do not try to guilt her into pretending all is well just so as not to 'give you extra worry'.

I realise you must have had a terrible time with your cancer, but its been 3 years.
something is clearly wrong, how much longer should she just brush everything under the carpet?
you will always be in a remission of sorts, so you cannot just abandon all your duties as a parent because of this.

i find it very interesting and somewhat telling, that you head your post with 'attitude and school attendance' as being the main issues - your daughter has told you she is suicidal for christs sake - who gives a toss about her attendance!!
you then also indirectly accuse her of inventing illness, and also imply that she is sleeping around - why mention that, in that huffy tone?

instead of attacking what she is doing, concentrate on why she is doing them - why is she behaving this way/

you trivialising her issues will not help - they may not be life threatening but that doesn't mean they should not be taken seriously!
but you may find that they actually could become life threatening...

find out whats wrong with her now, before she goes through with it and you spend the rest of your life wishing she had come and bothered you a bit more!!


could she be being abused? bullied? on drugs? depressed? mentally ill?

[lizzydrippin]

Hi Debbie, So sorry to hear that you and your daughter are having such a worrying time.
It reminded me of when I was a young teenager and the terrible time I put my Mum through. I really was out of control (in everyone elses eyes that is). My Mum was at her absolute wits end with what to do with me. I also used to threaten to 'kill myself' (which I had no intention of doing in a million years). I had 4 elder brothers who had never given my Mum and Dad one days worry. Im really not sure in all honesty what it was all about, I just remember feeling like I just wanted to rebel all the time, against school (which I hated), against my parents (who I thought I hated) but the good news is that I did eventually 'grow up'. Nothing terrible happened to me and as an adult Ive often regretted the stress I put my Mum and Dad through. I hope everything turns out okay with your daughter. Try and be positive and if there is one or two traits that you are pleased with about your daughter build on them, talk to her as much as you can. Spend some quality time with her. Does she have brothers and sisters at all?

[meaty]

Tell her straigt if she loves you she will behave and maby say well if your good you and me well do and do something really special when she is good but 14 is a dogy time of life better when shes 20 good luck to you and her xxxxxxx

[Neilzulu1]

Try a care home, problem solved.

[joko]

I would have said the same thing lizzy - that it was just attention seeking - but for the fact that sent sent her mum a letter. this was not an idle threat screamed out for affect in the middle of a strop, but she calmly sat down and wrote it out, coupled with the refusal to go to school etc

in my experience it is the sudden calmness in a suicidal person that it the worry - it can often mean they have come to a decision and feel happy that it will all soon be over.
it can indicate they are actually planning and finally feel in control and that they are going to be free

if she suddenly starts to say veiled goodbyes and makes out of character sentimental actions, or tries to sort out her affairs, in any small way - worry.

[La Diva]

She�s obviously scared about something.

Sounds to me as though she�s being bullied in school � have you spoken to the school itself? She might also be scared about your illness �wondering what�s going to happen to her if you were no longer there.

Try to put yourself in her shoes � she feels unloved at school and then she comes home where she also feels unloved. You�re her mum, you�re supposed to love her unconditionally � and yes, it can be difficult at times but that comes with the title.

Choose a day when you�re both in a good mood to discuss her worries. Tell her that you can't help put it right if she doesn't tell you what's wrong. There�s no point in talking if either of you is in a bad/negative mood- it just escalates into something a lot worse - where one or both of you says something to regret in the years to come.

[WendyS]

It may be that your daughter has developed some serious insecurities because of your cancer and earlier fears that you might die and that her "attitude" is a form of aggressive self-protection. Possibly too, rightly or wrongly, she may also have been feeling left out and unloved if more attention has been focused on you in recent years because of your illness. Perhaps because of these things she has become withdrawn at school which has led to bullying because of her failure to engage with others. Whatever her reasons I can only suggest you sit down with her quietly, tell her that you love her and want her to be happy and ask her how things need to be done differently in the family for her to feel more self confident and for things to change. . If you will admit some of your own fears to her she may open up and feel more able to confide in you.

[rabbitdrop]

I feel very sorry for both of you. My daughter is now 16 and (thankfully) seems to be turning a bit of a corner. Her school attendance has been appalling. She goes to a local grammar school and I often think about all the fuss we went through to get her into the school and how it has turned out. We have been through all the things you describe - GP, school counselling service etc etc. It is really distressing to see your child going through this sort of thing and you cant help looking for a reason/someone to blame (youself, the school, her friends etc). I have had a lot of support from my church. I have to say that I am a little bit selective about who I tell and how much I share, as I don't always want to admit to how bad things are. I really hope that things get better for both of you.

[Baby02]

Hi im sorry to hear about ur condition u must be at ur wits end! i have a 15 yr old daughter who is exactly the same she took an overdose 2 months ago and has ran away but was found by her dad but llives with her nan now, social services put us in touch with a group called 'parents like us' trouble is im in liverpool but surely there must be some sort of orginisation like that by u, ill search the net for u now good luck

[maggs1703]

i had similar problems when my child at that age talked of suicide i went straight to my gp they were brilliant and refered me on to social services they weren't as bad as it sounds they arranged counselling and support they even mangaged to go into school and got to the bottom of the problem they arranged with school that she left school a year early and went to college to do her gcse's there are profesionals out there that are there and willing to help iof you let them. good luck

[suziebbz]

i am an irish 15 year old.
i do not believe it is your fault.i think she is trying to get attention.
most of the girls i no do it because they are emos.
but thats beside the point.
as adolesent girls we can be very dramatic
she seems to be spiralling out of control
set her head straight
she is feeling far too sorry for herself.
putting you under a lot of pressure
maybe she feels too much attention is on you because of your condition
but its no reason to be doin wat she is doin
very unfair
xx

[Silversky]

Had to write an opposition piece to Suziebbz as I have been keeping an eye out for this question for a while.
I am 16 years old, and I live in birmingham.
As she said I may have 'emotional' characteristics, but this doesn't make any situation any less horrid.

Although to do with your question, like she said she is probably attention seeking. And I imagine, most people who say they are going to commit suicide, do not. It is just her way of getting attention- obviously because it works, and this is very stressful to you, especially at this time.

Sit her down and try and talk to her about what is 'really' wrong. I'm guessing it is probably bullying at school or something similar. And go from there. Also, get down to the GP and try and get some councilling for her. Or talk to the school as they have a counsellor. This worked really well for me.

And to suziebbz, I was truly depressed for about a year for various reasons, and I tried to commit suicide once and refused to go to, however after counselling for about 6 months, I have turned my life around.
I was not being dramatic, I was not attention seeking. I truly needed help.
And it sounds like debbie3103's daughter does too. Ignored it could get worse.

[suziebbz]

im sorry i offended you.
i should have been more sensitive as i myself have been through problems of a similar nature.
sorry
xxx