How long does it take?

[Sian79]

My ex and I seperated 4 months ago, we were together for 7 years and have 2 young children.

he has recently met a new girl and seems to be moving on with his life but while doing so has changed radically from the man I thought he was.

I made the decision to end things but based on circumstance rather than love and now I'm struggling to move forward.

I miss him incredibly and no matter how much I try to remember the reasons we shouldn't be together I can't get him out of my head sometimes it feels like he's all I talk about.

I want to be able to move on but I can't forget how much I love him has anybody got any advice for me. I REALLY need it!

[Dassie]

Only time will heal this and you are doing yourself no favours by dwelling on him. Go out on dates and meet other men and then you might be surprised when you meet "that man" who turns out to be better than your ex.

[Petal~flower]

Hi Sian, 7 years with someone is a long time. It is going to take you a while to get over him. Best advice I can give is, try to keep your mind occupied. Try writing down all the negative things about him, rather than thinking about all the good times. Writing things down really does help, as you can look back at them, in a few weeks time and see how much you have moved on.
I wouldn't rush into dating either. Take time to heal yourself emotionally, take care of yourself and your 2 children.

I hope you feel a lot happier very soon xx

[WoWo]

In the past when I have ended long term relationships I have been equally devastated and couldn't see an end in sight with regards to getting on with my life. I don't think there is ever a way to get over it other than time.

Good luck.

[andrea81]

Again - no quick fix, but it is time.

Just keep thinking about the future and how this will eventually be a distant memory! Promise!

I think you should try filling in the days and nights that you find hard with social activities. It might be a long push to get out there, but even a salsa dance or an aerobics class could help.

I know people who joind classes and found many kindred spirits there, all trying to move on!

[johnlambert]

Here is a link that I hear through the grapevine welcome the kindred spirits Andrea speaks of

http://www.gingerbread.org.uk/

[patsyquinn]

Why did you end it? He's the father of your children - no other man can ever be that. Why do women give up so easily these days? Don't you realise it's your job to keep the family together? All men can be trained and humanised - he could have been moulded. Why do all women now think they can find something better?

If you're ever going to be with another man you must learn to stay the course and not wimp out the minute things don't seem 100%. Stop reading women's magazines - they rot your brain.

[smudge742]

patsyquinn, while I agree in part to your reply, you don't know the full story. I ended my marriage and people didn't understand why as my ex always seemed charming. However he was the most abusive person I have ever met, and despite having 2 children, I had no option but to end it, to save myself and my children. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Sian79 is obviously struggling and I'm not sure your comment is helpful.

Sian79, Your ex seems to have moved on rather quickly, could this be a rebound thing? Have you spoken to him, to see if this is what he really wants? Make certain you are sure before you head down the route of divorce. Good luck hun, I hope you can be happy, with or without him.

[Le Chat]

If you seriously think that you have made a big mistake, not that you are just lonely and mourning the loss of a familiar lifestyle, then talk to the man! Tell him how you feel and then it will be up to him whether he comes back or not. If he doesn't want to make a go of it again, then at least you know ....for definite. If he does, then fantastic. Make sure your reasons are certain though Sian, as you can't mess around with people's emotions, if you 'go off' him again , especially as you have children to consider.

[Sian79]

I think your response was very unhelpful patsyquinn.

Smudge742 is right you don't know much. It took 2 years of our relationship to get to the point where we seperated and men aren't moulded! it wasn't a decision made lightly I don't think I'll find better and I don't read womens magazines so you are perhaps a little judgemental.

I would like to change things and go back but reality makes it quite clear that isn't going to happen and perhaps that's not for the worst it is probably for the better.

That said if he turned up on my doorstep tomorrow I absolutely don't know what I'd do even though I know this is the right thing not just for me but for my children it isn't easy.

How can you make it easier when you've got children? and will things ever run smoothly in the future?

[andrea81]

You don't need to listen to jungmental people, all you need to do is think about yourself and your children now. I'm not sure how thing are with your ex, but hopefully you can both get your heads together and arrange how your children can retain a relationship, if thats what he want, this can be awkward, but many go through this. Don't forget, you've said it yourself, this is for the best!

When it comes to your future, I think having something to look forward to is best, think about whats coming up in your year and how you're going to best utilise it.... i.e. how you're gonna socialise, meet new people, learn new skills.

Just getting out of the house and becoming a new you!

[smudge742]

It's never easy for you or the children, but if you put them first at all times (that doesn't mean spoil them rotten) then they will grow up knowing that they are loved. My ex is a nightmare, and constantly slags me off to our kids, but despite the fact that I HATE him (lol) I never moan about him to the girls, they love him as he's their dad and I respect that. If your children go to visit, make sure you still agree on discipline or you may find they play you off against each other, and never allow them to be dragged into any disputes. I know it's hard if the absent parent doesn't follow this, but just make sure you do, and they will thank you for it when they are older. It's hard work, being a single parent, but it can be rewarding. Things will get better, although my ex is still a nightmare, things are better for me, and I now have a fantastic man, who is every thing I could wish for, he is supportive when my ex is being awkward, and supports my girls, but never moans about my ex to them. Life will improve, hold on to that and you will get through this, it may not be easy, but you can be strong and make it.
Take care, and make sure you give yourself the time to heal. x

[happyjo]

Hi Sian

I have nothing more to add to the great advice you have recieved. Good luck

I just wanted to add that I would hate to be poor patsyquinn's husband...!!! poor moulded man!!

Jo x