In laws

[helliebobs]

This isn't a huge problem but I was up half the night dwelling on what to do. I got in last night and found a Christmas card from my Grandma in law with a cheque for �60 for Christmas. The thing is, my husband and I split up earlier this year and I now feel uncomfortable accepting gifts from the family. I am still on reasonably good terms with my ex and his family who insist I am still, and always will be, a part of the family, despite the fact that I don't hear from them from one week to the next. Our son was born in March and their interest in both me and my son has slowly waned as time has gone on and I'm sure it will continue to do so as the years go by. My problem now is do I accept the money and hope it slowly gets phased out as a natural progression or send it back to her with a note explaining how I feel and risk sounding like a complete miserable cow with a huge chip on my shoulder?

[perigra]

reciprocate by sending her a christmas card but don't cash the cheque.

[oldwoman]

Is she not just making a Xmas gesture that you still mean something to her. Spend the money on your son and take it in the spirit it was sent.

[muppeteer]

cash it & spend it on your son & write a thankyou note telling her what it bought & sending photos of your son with said toy.
oldwoman is right- she probably just meant a kind gesture & sending it back would be hurtful to her. this is the nicest thing for you to do & can not possibly make you look bad for accepting which you certainly would if you sent it back

[Ice.Maiden]

The money was sent as a gift - so accept it as that, then write and say what a kind thought it was. x,

[figure]

I was about to say similar to what everyone said. Your in-laws still consider you and thought of you. This shows that they still do care for you.

[sarnieken]

Have to agree with my learned colleagues.
Obviously the gran still has a thought for you, or atleast your child.
Definitely cash it and get something nice for yourself and your wee-un. Any change, put it in the Charity tub and get a warm fuzzy glow inside with it.

Happy Christmas, I hope you and your lad have the great christmas that I'm sure you have earned.
K

[keight01]

think you should happily accept the card and send one right back but don't cash the cheque

[helliebobs]

Thank you for your thoughts, I still feel a bit uncomfortable accepting it as the money is for me and not her great grandchild - she will buy something else for him as well.
I do realise it was a kind gesture but I don't want her to feel like she has to continue doing this - my husband has moved on and has a new girlfriend who has already been accepted into the family and as time goes on, the only links they will have with me is through my son who they have minimal contact with anyway.
I think she will be hurt if I return the cheque, no matter how well I explain my reasons, but I just need to find a suitable way to let her know she shouldn't feel she has to in future.

[amonty1144]

Strange what christmas brings isn't it. I've just received a similar cheque from my brother inlaw for my son, all year round they don't care whether we live or die...not getting invited to family dues etc but at christmas �20 in card can salve a conscience.
Not a hard decision for me, the cheque hasn't been cashed, the card won't be reciprocated and no one will call me a hypocrite.
It is after all a matter of conscience but if you need the money, cash it and enjoy it or cash it and donate to charity.

hope you resolve your dilemma..

[crisgal]

i think you should definately cash it. She obviously wanted you to have it or she wouldn't have sent it.
People get a lot of pleasure from giving. I don't think you should deny her that pleasure.
Maybe, becuase of the situation, it's been hard for her to stay in touch with you and your son throughout the year.
Christmas is the ideal opportunity for her to let you know that she still thinks of you.
She could be hurt if you just don't cash it.
Maybe you could send a thankyou, explaning how you feel, just as you have done here.
could you say that you were very grateful for the kind gift, but you understand that she may have other commitments in the future?
Perhaps open a savings account for your son?
I must say, if I were in her position, I would want to let you know that I still care for you. After all you split up from your partner, not his family. x

[emmaward]

I agree with everyone else except Amonty 1144. I have no problem with you making this decision if the money was for you but it was for your son and that is different.
Depriving your child of a gift from HIS FAMILY is not something that should ahppen because of your concern not to look like a hyporcrite!

[Jillius]

Definately cash it. She wouldn't have sent you it if she hadn't wanted you to have it. Buy something nice with it and then write her a letter telling her what you spent it on. She sounds as if she wants to be friends with you even if the others aren't as friendly.

[whiskeysheri]

No, emma, as hellie said in her last post: the money isn't for her son.

Hi, hun! I've only just seen this! I think I would cash it and write to her with thanks, but also mentioning that you didn't expect it from her and that you won't next year. It's up to her, then, if she decided to continue, sweets. x x

[helliebobs]

I didn't realise I was still getting answers to this :)
Thank you again for your comments, the cheques is still sititng there I probably won't do anything with it til new year now. I probably will cash it and buy something nice with it for my new house she is a lovely person and I know there is no hidden agenda or anything behind it but I think I will make a subtle hint to her about not feeling she has to keep doing it.

p.s Whisks I may be wrong but I think emmaward was referring to amonty1144's post hun ;)

[dot.hawkes]

hellie this woman is from the days when family meant everything, she has sent that cheque to show you she is a decent person and wants to do what she can for you, accept it and keep in touch, we lose enough family as we get older, accept it with grace.

[helliebobs]

I know dot and I do understand that but it all smacks a little bit of guilt to me to be honest and I'd rather they didn't use money to try and appease how bad they feel about the situation.
My grandma in law has always been very kind and myself and my ex always made sure we sent thank you cards or phoned her when we received gifts. Up until a month or so ago I was sending her regular photos of her great grandson and letters to let her know how he was doing (something my ex wouldn't think of doing) and it was only whilst posting this that I realised she hasn't thanked me for any of them. In fact she hasn't been in touch with me until the beginning of this month.

[dolphinspy]

I think that the cheque that she has sent you is her way of saying thank you for the pics of your son and the letters that you have sent. so splash out and trest your self to some thing nice you need it with a young child.
have a good christmas