im a step dad and need advice

[slimjim69]

Ive been with my wife for almost 4 years now and when we got together I knew her eldest son would be a handfull.

He has been screened for ADHD but they said it wasnt that.

My wife has told me he has been a handfull since he was about 5 he is now 14. We have recently been advised by various people and professionals that, for the younger kids sake (because they are showing signs of distress) and for my wifes health ( she is severly depressed) it would be best to ask social services to re-house him for a period of time so we can sort things out.

Although I agree it would be in the best interests of my wife and the youngest kids, I am starting to feel it might tear him further from us.

He has agreed that it would be best for the family if it gives him time out and if it gives his mum a break.

I have found it hard to form a relationship with him as he has never let me in but i am starting to think that i should make more of and effort and pushed my way in as his dad has never been close to him. He asked me about the RAF tonight because he knew i had been in that service and wanted some advice. I have told him what i know and said i will take him to the careers center soon.

I was brought up by a step dad and i know we had troubles at the start but we got over them and grew into good friends, to the extent that even though him and my mum have split we are going out for a good knees up next week for his 40th.

We are finding it hard to advise him of the people he is hanging out with, he seems to be attracted to kids that seem to always be in trouble.

Can somebody please help!!!!!!

[Schlomo78]

Hi, to me the fact that you actually care and have a conscience means a lot.. A lot of guys would just be glad to get rid, if you know what I mean. The fact that they say he hasn't got ADHD or whatever just is their opinion. He obviously has serious issues as he is hitting that age also (my brother never knew his dad and went a little crazy when he was in his teens-totally out of charactor for him but he was looking for his identity)
The fact that he is interested in you being ex forces may mean he looks up to you in a way ( I'm a military kid) and maybe even if he went in for 3 yrs it would give him the direction he needs as it seems he is gonna get in trouble if not- he needs focus and I don 't think him going elsewhere will help, he is looking for direction and i think you can give it to him.
I hope this helps in some way :O)

[Ice.Maiden]

Slimjim - PLEASE don't send this boy away. it sounds as though he's crying out for love and attention. I've just written a long reply to you - which disappeared - so rather than try and re-do it all, may I just say that I have experience of this type of behaviour. You're welcome to pm me, giving me an email addy, and I'll try and explain in more detail. best of luck anyway - x

[Schlomo78]

Ice maiden is right, and anyone who tells you to send him away is not thinking of him. Listen to her and maybe take her pm, the trouble with AB is sometimes you take too long writing a message and get to the end and then it tells you its pretty much timed out and u lose everything. Dont give up and listen to ice maiden
:O) to you and you family

[May1982]

Hi

I'm no doctor so I cant offer any medical advice, However, I found some ADHD videos that might help you find some answers: http://www.sutree.com/Learn.aspx?q=adhd

I hope everything works out for the best

[Mamjet]

Post Removed by AB Editorial

[ethanryan]

mamjet how rude,how can you judge this lad you dont know anything about him.if anything needs lockin up its your mouth. so many people give up on children with problems too quick when all they need is a bit of guidence and love. the man came on for help and dont need you making comments like that.

[ethanryan]

i cant give much advice but just thing this kid needs your love and does seem to be looking up to you. you know this lad do what you think will benefit him in the long run. its a shame not all step fathers are the same, my step father had no time for me and my brothers and gave my mom a choice. stick with it and i wish you all the best of luck

[Mamjet]

Ethanryan Why don't you let him stay with you in that case? Let's see what happens when you wake upone night and your DVD is gone and he's daubed his own poo on your walls.

[ethanryan]

how can you say that you do not no him. i would take any child in that needed me, in fact i have just took my three nieces in to my home because they needed me. i am 24 with two toddlers of my own but i would not give up on a child. no child is an angel but some do need extra help. been locked up is no wat to treat any human being. i take it you have no kids of your own.
this lad in my opinion needs some help but needs his family.all his family need is a bit of help in knowing what to do with him. do u not think it will make this child worse been locked up away from his family.
get a life!!

[Mamjet]

Get a life? So you obviously don't want to carry on a normal conversation. Obviously all the kids that you're 'befriending' are more your cup of tea.

[gonzo00]

i have to agree with mamjet on this one. how many kids have run around making thier parents lives a misery while do -gooders make all sorts of excuses for them?
how about some good old fashioned punishment when he is a "handfull". put your boot up his h*le a few times and watch his behaviour improve.why should this lad's poor mother suffer just because he dosent want to behave?

[lorri24601]

I do think that just by asking you about the airforce he is showing that even if he may not show it he does have quite a lot of respect for you, How about asking him if he would like to go away for a weekend with just you, maybe to aircraft museum etc to talk more about his intrest in the airforce, not only would that give his mum a break it would give the two of you time together where he may even open up to you a bit more if he feels you think enough of him to put yourself out for him.

[Mamjet]

put him in care. preferably that place in Jersey.

[ethanryan]

mamjet is there any need for your useless comments why dont you go and annoy someone else you idiot

[bigmamma]

Hello , this may not be possible , or your idea of any use , but do you have Airforce Cadets in your area that he could join ? x

[EngTeach]

Slimjim,
This is a hard call. While I would use removal as a last resort, it can be beneficial. Like the others said your sticling around a nd stepping up to the plate could go a long way. Perhaps his interest in the military service is his way of removing himself in a positive way on his own terms.
My nephew is now 16 and has been through a lot of issues. His relationship with my brother is tenuous at best and much fault does lie with my brother. He has been in and out of hospitals over the last few years for anger isuues, and huffing. He got into trouble at school for smoking weed too.

If your wife and you meet withthe doctors and counselors with him and without him perhaps you could alll come up with some short and long term goals for him to meet and stay within the home. The counselors will know for sure if it is time to give him respite care. His mom needs time with him alone and also with the younger ones too.

Perhaps an out patient program would be a good way to go. It proved very helpful for my ex sister in law. She also has an emergency # if things get too hard for her and her partner to handle. They used it once and he was removed for a few days and then brought back home with extra support. he has finally been diagnosed as bipolar and the meds are helping him a lot.
Love, prayers and proper support can work together. Good luck.

[Le Chat]

slimjim - Don't mean to offend you in any way but when did parenting become an option? When your wife had her son, there was no clause that said ...."and you can choose whether to continue parenting, if your particular child causes you too much trouble, you can always send him away..."
If he were 18 - I'd say yes but he's 14 for God's sake!

You and the boy in question need to go away together for a weekend, in a tent, with no distractions around you. All you will have to do is exist together, not talk, talk about superficial stuff and then talk about important things. Neither of you will be able to 'leave the room' or escape. I guarantee barriers will be brought down and the unsaid things in your step son's mind will slowly come out in words, thoughts and feelings.

[Mamjet]

beat him until his eyes bleed.

[Annlinda]

One part of your posting struck me as relevant "his dad has never been close to him" if he is rejected by his father he maybe thinks that you will reject him especially because there are younger children involved. I find this posting very sad because this lad may have gone through the last 9 years feeling unwanted. Some 14year old are very grown-up others mere babies just hope that you and him eventually form a good relationship. Any discipline must be given by both you and his mother backing each other up and he must know that if he crosses the boundries you give him he will be punished

[slimjim69]

Thanks for all your comments, except for a select few who think punishing a wrong for an even more wrongful act is the only way. I am here for civilised replies and if you cant give these then dont bother.

I know it sounds like we are not thinking of him if we do ask for respite for a few weeks but my wife is on the verge of a mental breakdown and has considered suicide almost everyday for the last 6 wks. I have had to make the decision of taking the last 4-5 wks off college to be with my wife 24/7 as i feel i cannot leave her at the moment and ive got to make a decision over easter wether or not to go back. We have asked family for help but no-one is willing to take him on.

There is an air cadets in the area but he has already been kicked out of st johns ambulance because of bad behaviour. I will be looking into it but reputations spread like wild fire in this area.

My wife is having counselling and they suggested respit care due to the severity of her depression and her doctor also suggested it.

Social services have knocked us from pillar to post and i think that there is a note on their system saying 'do not help this family' due to a mistake that they made with my wifes middle son. They put him on the at risk register saying she wasnt feeding him until docs said he had a rare genetic dissorder.