should my ex husband see his children when he feels like it

[vway]

My husband and I have split in January,he left me and the children,there are many matters to the divorce which many of you have already given answers and support to.My next problem is his attitude to seeing the children. At the moment he see's them Weds afternoon and every other weekend the problem is he thinks he can phone when he likes if he has a spare 5 mins and wants to see them.I have tried to explain that it is not always convienent as I have tried to make a new life for myself and the children and often have plans,I have requested the gives me 48hrs notice if he would like to see them out of the planned arrangements but he says I'm being pathetic and stopping him from seeing his children.


Iam still in the marital home which is shared with his parents, he was living there but now I think he is living with his girlfriend, when the children move into the new home even his father thinks he can just call round when he feels like it! I just feel the children need stability and have a set timetable when they see their father. My children are 8 and 2,they were both ill over easter he did not offer any help or request to see them.


Am I wrong wanting my own life with my children who he left by trying to give them stability and security.

I do know that some will say I should be greatful for an ex that wants to seee his children but I feel him coming and going when he pleases will confuse them being so young.

[vway]

Thankyou Wizard66 for your apology, please understand as you well know that these are difficult times for all concerned ,I never want my children to stop seeing their father but there has to be some kind of structure to all our lives.

We only split in January and we are both very bitter.

I have not seen my father for 15years not due to my mother but he just turned-up when he felt like it, and a dearly do not want that for my children.

[vway]

Thanks Wizzard66 you sound like a great father and loving parent.

When my ex first left my 8 year old started to refuse to see his dad as he has left for another women but rightly or wrongly I made him see him ( this women is his ex who slashed his face but thats another story) I asked my ex to phone every night at 7pm and again my 8year old does not want to speak to him again I make him ring him back (the chid thinks his with his girlfriend),I've kept this from my ex as I know it would hurt him but the other night the child refused to speak to his dad point blank...... and again more your pathectic trying to stop my son from contacting me iam trying to do the right thing but how do you know what is???

[vway]

BTW please no not think I'm being offensive as I can see you feel very passionately about some issues, but when done in the right way you give some very good advice.

[Androcles]

Don't have any kids myself, but have watched with horror the situation in our family, where the mother has used every manipulation, legal and otherwise, to prevent their father from seeing the children, whilst she and her mother spread poison to them about their dad. The Dad is far from perfect, but the marriage broke down for other reasons - no third parties involved.

This has gone as far as her telling the school not to send their dad details of parent's evenings, school reports, exam results or anything else. (She works there!) This is despite legal orders to the contrary, but which don't seem to be enforceable. I begin to understand the "Dad protests."

vway, you have to reach a compromise somewhere, and surely the children's interests must come above those of your husband and yourself. It is a slippery slope you tread. You said that nobody knows you or what kind of mother you are, but you seem be giving out some vibes that indicate that you are seeing this as a revenge mechanism. I am sure you will say you are not, and it may not be your intention, but that is the perception you are creating - several posters have seen it as such.

I would just say make sure it is not your children who see it as that, as you may be the loser in the long run

[Ice.Maiden]

vway, it seems that your 8 year old's already feeling the split. It's unusual for a young child not to want to speak to a parent, so perhaps he secretly blames his father, particularly as daddy isn't always around now, and maybe he feels the stress or tension which emanates from yourself. I think there needs to be a degree of flexibility here, as has been said. If it was me, I'd allow your ex. access at any time, providing that this doesn't interfere with if you've planned to take the children somewhere special, etc. You need to put your own feelings aside, and try to have a rational conversation, stressing that if your ex. is planning on dobbing round whenever he feels like it, then it'd be courtesy to phone and check on things first, and that he must always turn up if he says he's going to. Best of luck.

[Bohne]

Let me clarify my answer...
I did not mean to say: Let him come whenever he pleases or not if he chooses not to.

If you have an agreement like: He sees them every other weekend and takes them out to the zoo, park, pool, etc, then definitely make sure he sticks to it.

I think there isn't much worse, than a child waiting for a father who does not turn up.

However, if he has a Tuesday afternoon off, and wants to take the children to go and have some ice cream, I don't see, why you would deny your children the pleasure of being with their father.
Always assuming that you had not already made other plans.

Even in a family with two parents things don't have an unbendable schedule.

As long as he comes when he is expected, I think additional surprise visits will not harm your children.

[misterL]

I have a close friend whose ex wife chops and changes her plans without a moments notice and expects him and his girlfriend to accommodate her. She has in the last 3 weeks changed the days that HE gets to see his children. He is a devoted father, the children are secure and safe with him and his girlfriend, and yet SHE changes plans without thought for them and what they have planned. Her REASON is that her new boyfriend, (who my mate has never met yet) is still in Germany and they are supposed to be going for a weekend break SHE and the new boyfriend and going abroad in 3 weeks with my mates kids and he hasnt met him yet - she doesnt see the point!

[EssJay1]

Went through this many years ago. My situation was slightly different as my ex didn't live in the same country. I wanted him to have more contact with the 3 children!
You need to discuss the issues but for me the important things are
1) That if he says he's coming to see the children, he comes (even if it's at his convenience, not yours!)
2) The children don't hear you arguing about them - they really don't need the guilt.
I'm probably no help, and I understand your comments about your feelings being raw. Just don't get bitter - neither you nor the children need that!

[bjcold30]

me and my ex have been divorced for year and a half we have two boys he use to come see them, but then he found someone eles and now doesnt see then. I never stopped him from seeing the boys but now im tired of my boys getting hurt. He cant keep a job tells them lies all the time so I say the hell with the fathers who do this crap if they cared they would think about the kids not them self. I cant look at them boys bieng disapointed nomore....

[vway]

To Beverleymot, how are you doing? Just an update my ex has moved his girlfriend into the next village 2 mins drive away from my house into a flat which belongs to his father!!!! Can they not kick me in the teeth any harder. He has also decided that my children can meet her when they feel ready.vway

[stepper]

I think where possible there should be a routine in respect of the kids. However, my son and DIL have recently split. Problems have arisen because DIL wont discuss child care arrangements with my son. It is now several weeks since my son has seen his children. He doesn't want to go back to the house because she will accuse him of harrassing her and the children. We have been the main carers for the children for the last eight years whilst son and DIL have both worked. Now we are being punished as well through no fault of our own as we also have not seen the children.

Sorry but I have no respect for behaviour like this. We have in effect, been rubbed out of our grandchildrens lives. Our DIL has told our son that the children don't even miss him.

My son has consulted a solicitor but I am fearful that we will never see the children again.