Falling in love with an alcoholic

[New Seeker]

Has anyone out there ever found themselves falling in love with someone who drinks heavily ( and I mean, HEAVILY), and decided against pursuing a relationship with that person because of the drinking - if that makes any sense?

I have met and can feel myself falling in love with a woman who drinks like a fish. My family and friends have warned me to tread carefully, as 'a drinker's first love will always be the bottle'. Aside from the drinking, she is everything I have ever wanted in a partner.

I am torn between wanting to pursue a relationship with this woman and thinking I should 'not go there'. I feel gutless about it for some reason, though.

The girl in question has been to AA and had endless counselling, but still puts away a lot of acohol every night of the week.

I have known her as a friend for 2 years.

I am teetotal.

We are both 40.

Any advice./help would be most appreciated, please. I feel desperate about this.

[Aprilis]

If you really love this woman enough to persue a relationship then be prepared for lots of stress and heartache as you will have to live with plenty of both...without any shadow of a doubt.

I speak as someone who lost a close family member to alcoholism at the age of just 42 and also as someone who's brother is in The Priory as we speak.

There is NO stability in a relationship with an alcoholic and you'll find any trust in your relationship will be tested to the limit until, ultimately, it disappears altogether. Lies and drama go with the territory I'm afraid. I'm sorry to sound so very negative but I've seen how alcoholics operate and nothing would convince me to enter a relationship with someone if I knew they were alcoholic.

[Lindylou]

Only you can decide what do want to do - but please, don't blame yourself when it all goes pearshaped. Until alcoholics decide themselves that they have to turn their lives around nothing you will ever do, or say, will make any difference. Maybe you could say that you will be 'there' when they decide to give up the booze. But that you won't if they don't. Good Luck to you - I wish you well. Please keep us all posted as to how it all works out.

[Velvetee]

No, I would run a mile. Having grown up with an alcoholic father and knowing the misery it caused, I have always steered clear of heavy drinkers. I think it's best to nip it in the bud, before it goes too far and you are drawn into a life of torment.

[mirela]

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-is-it-l ike-to-live-with-an.html

[stonekicker]

sadly, anyone who abuses alcohol or drugs to an extent where it rules their life (instead of the other way round) is not capable of physically, emotionally or financially contributing to a healthy relationship. it is you who will have to do all of this and after a while you will begin to make excuses and allowances for her behaviour which in turn will negatively affect your partnership. even the most patient, understanding and knowlegable person will begin to feel resentful, neglected and need things from their partner that they will just not get.

as a mental health nurse i see people with these problems all of the time (and their poor loong suffering families too) and so would be never begin a relationship with somebody i know to have a problem with dependency. you say you love her for who she is, but at the moment you are not in a full blown relationship so perhaps do not have the depth of understanding required to know what being together would fully entail. you sound like a nice, caring person - either support her into rehab and addressing her problems or look for somebody that can give you the quality time and love you so obviously deserve.

there is nothing wrong in remaining friends, but i would not support her to the detriment of yourself - at the end of the day, if you don't look after number one, how can you be expected to look after anybody else?

as an add on to this - only the people with dependency issues can make changes to their lives. if they do not see it is a problem, do not want to change or are simply not ready - it will never happen. and sadly, many people have to really hit rock bottom before this occurs and i would not want to be around (or i guess responsible) when this happens as a partner. stick with her as a friend and try to encourage her, but his is as far as i would advise you going at the moment. good luck!

[LaughingGirl]

get rid

[LaughingGirl]

Get Rid of her your life will be a misery, they lie and cheat to get what they want.

[LaughingGirl]

GET RID of HER your life will be ruined, Alcoholics LIE and CHEAT to get what they want, they don't care who the hurt.

[New Seeker]

Thank you all so very much for your posts and invaluable advice - for sharing your experiences of alcoholism with me so honestly. I have been overwhelmed by it.

I also deeply regret not posting my initial question on to the Answerbank earlier, before I was emotionally involved with this woman. If only I had done that...

As hard as it is (and right now it feels like the hardest thing I have ever had to do, to be quite honest,) I feel that, having read and thought about the posts I have received in response to mine through this site, I would be an utter fool to ignore the overwhelming advice to remain friends with this woman, but NOT to embark upon a relationship with her. I will try to position myself on the 'periphery' of her life as a friend only, and can only hope that, with the passage of time, the longing and love I feel for her gradually becomes written in paler ink in my heart and I can somehow eventually move on.

God, I am torn between wanting to embrace her, kiss her passionately and tell her I love her, and wanting to wring her neck for pouring all that flipping drink down her throat night after night. I want to smash every bottle of booze in her house. If I could burn down all the distilleries and breweries in the country tonight I think I would. If only it were that simple. But it is not.

Thanks again so much for all your help x

[LaughingGirl]

I used to know an alcoholic, I felt so sorry for him, he was always crying, so I helped him and got my family helping him, we did all we could do, gave him a place to live, till he got himself sorted out, gave him money, food etc and that's not half of it, he told us so many lies. do yourself a favour, don't even be to friendly with her. I bet she turn's on the tear's. stay clear of her.

[Whoever]

Please, Please, Please have the courage to walk away now. I am advising you to do this having had personal experience of a long-term alcoholic in the family. They wreak havoc on everybody around them in more ways than I can explain here. . Very few alcoholics are successful in turning their lives around and if your girlfriend has already failed once at attempts to rehabilitate herself, the odds are strongly against her ever succeeding.
If you go ahead and deepen this relationship, I can almost certainly predict that in a few years time, in one way or another she will have succeeded in wrecking your own life as well as her own. Do not kid yourself that your love for her will be sufficient to make her change her ways. It won't.

[Bathsheba]

What a heart-rending story New Seeker. I really do feel for you.
But have you stopped to think that in the 2 years you have known her, you've probably never seen the "real" person, as she's more than likely always had alcohol in her system? x

[New Seeker]

Thanks, Bathsheba (and other helpful contributors) - I take your point, and, no, I hadn't really thought of this situation in this way.

I guess when you meet someone and that spark is there, that overwhelming connection, maybe you only see what you want to see, only believe what you want to believe...

The problem with all this is that I am to caught between knowing it would be a huge mistake to pursue a relationship with this person, and left wondering if I will spend the rest of my life thinking about what might have been (if I don't).

The prospect of having a long-term relationship with someone else, (whom I love, but not as deeply) and lying in bed in the small hours, staring at the ceiling, tortured by the thought that the woman whom deep down inside I really love isn't actually the one lying next to me, (but is a 'safer option' if you like), is dreadful. Do you see what I mean?

[New Seeker]

Hi

Just to bring all you all up-to-date with what's been happening since my: 'Has anyone ever fallen in love with an alcoholic?' post a month ago, and what I�ve done since receiving the overwhelming advice here �not to go there.� - To pursue a relationship, that is...

In short, I have walked away completely.

Instead, I have thrown myself into my work, joined a gym which I use several afternoons a week, and also signed up for a couple of interesting night classes commencing September.

I won't pretend it's been easy. I mulled over establishing a �friendship only� footing with the woman in question for days, and read all the posts here several times again. Then one evening my phone rang and, in a drunken slur , she asked: �What you doing tonight? Fancy meeting up? I�m sitting here alone in the pub on my second bottle of wine! Have you got the car?�

(�No thanks, I�m off to the gym, love.�)

Thanks all.