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Step Families
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I need some advice please? I live with my partner of 3 years, we live with my 2 teenage sons and his 2 teenage daughters come to ours every other weekend. The oldest of his daughters absolutely hates me and tries, every time she is here, to split us up. She causes massive rows between me and my partner, she constantly "mouthes off" at me and when I retaliate then my partner will take her side and they will commence a full verbal war on me. I do love him but I'm not sure how much longer I can her attitude and poison.
My partner actually admitted last weekend that she won the last 2 wars and split him up with his last 2 girlfriends, however, he didnt live with either of them. We never argue until she comes here then we do nothing but argue.
Before I met him, I was a confident, independant and bubbly person and unfortunately I have to admit that I am now a "yes" person whom I don't like anymore.
He expects me to "tell off" my sons when he is annoyed with them but when I expect and ask him to do the same he absolutely refuses, he has gone so far to tell me that sometimes he will back her up when she is at her most vile to me because he agrees with her!
What do I do?
My partner actually admitted last weekend that she won the last 2 wars and split him up with his last 2 girlfriends, however, he didnt live with either of them. We never argue until she comes here then we do nothing but argue.
Before I met him, I was a confident, independant and bubbly person and unfortunately I have to admit that I am now a "yes" person whom I don't like anymore.
He expects me to "tell off" my sons when he is annoyed with them but when I expect and ask him to do the same he absolutely refuses, he has gone so far to tell me that sometimes he will back her up when she is at her most vile to me because he agrees with her!
What do I do?
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I've not been in this position but it doesn't sound a very nice situation to be in! Maybe you could draw up a list of rules together of what is acceptable and what isn't so that everyone knows where they stand. That way if she does something like mouth off at you and you're partner has already agreed this is unacceptable then he can discipline her.
It sounds like she knows what buttons to press to wind you up and will mouth off at you until you retaliate and argue with your partner giving her the reaction she wants. It will be hard but try to be really polite, this will annoy her as she will not be getting the reation she wants. Then talk to your partner about it later on when she is not about. I think your partner knows what she is doing as he has said that she was the cause of 2 previous splits. Maybe he needs to be firmer with her and explain that he will not put up with it. She knows she can get away with it and will continue to do so. Maybe there is a underlying problem making her like this (maybe she doesn't want to share her dad etc.) sitting down and talking this through might help too.
It sounds like she knows what buttons to press to wind you up and will mouth off at you until you retaliate and argue with your partner giving her the reaction she wants. It will be hard but try to be really polite, this will annoy her as she will not be getting the reation she wants. Then talk to your partner about it later on when she is not about. I think your partner knows what she is doing as he has said that she was the cause of 2 previous splits. Maybe he needs to be firmer with her and explain that he will not put up with it. She knows she can get away with it and will continue to do so. Maybe there is a underlying problem making her like this (maybe she doesn't want to share her dad etc.) sitting down and talking this through might help too.
Hi CAJ1, thank you for your wise comments, I have sat down with her on a one on one to discuss things and she has admitted that she doesnt like her dad with anyone, she hates sharing him and wants her mum and dad to get back together, they have been split up for approx 10 years, if it was going to happen it would have happened by now. I have tried the silent treatment, being over nice etc etc..
He will absolutely not discipline her in any way, in fact going to the extreme that when she does mouth off at me, she will then sit on his knee for a cuddle.. I have told him that what he is doing is basically rewading her for her foul behaviour toward me.
I really dont know..... I'm just so low right now!
He will absolutely not discipline her in any way, in fact going to the extreme that when she does mouth off at me, she will then sit on his knee for a cuddle.. I have told him that what he is doing is basically rewading her for her foul behaviour toward me.
I really dont know..... I'm just so low right now!
firstly, I don't think "retaliating" against a teenager is ever going to win you points.
but, she is a brat and her behaviour is appalling. your partner needs to back you, and if I doesn't I think I'd be tempted to throw the lot of them out. he's squashed the person you once were and the only one having any fun is the dreadful daughter.
this is down to your partner. he needs to behave like your partner, and not another brattish child. I don't like him!
but, she is a brat and her behaviour is appalling. your partner needs to back you, and if I doesn't I think I'd be tempted to throw the lot of them out. he's squashed the person you once were and the only one having any fun is the dreadful daughter.
this is down to your partner. he needs to behave like your partner, and not another brattish child. I don't like him!
Hi zzxxee and jb190281 - Firstly the mother is as bad as my partner is, they allow their daughter to disrespect anyone she wants and when she wants. The mother is incredibly neurotic, calls our house when the daughter is here at least 5/6 times a day sometimes.
His daughter was close to me quite a while back, telling me all the bad things that she has done at her home knowing full well that I absolutely will never say anything to her mum or dad about it, I think she knew by telling me these things that she has a hold on me. I bought her new clothes, I gave her some cosmetics that I no longer use then totally out of the blue just started verbally abusing/attacking me again. One thing about her, she isnt stupid, she knows exactly what game she is playing and her mum and dad are totally oblivious to it all!
The daughter is 14, she will be 15 at the end of the year.
His daughter was close to me quite a while back, telling me all the bad things that she has done at her home knowing full well that I absolutely will never say anything to her mum or dad about it, I think she knew by telling me these things that she has a hold on me. I bought her new clothes, I gave her some cosmetics that I no longer use then totally out of the blue just started verbally abusing/attacking me again. One thing about her, she isnt stupid, she knows exactly what game she is playing and her mum and dad are totally oblivious to it all!
The daughter is 14, she will be 15 at the end of the year.
kat -my children through circumstances became part of step families.Its one of the toughest roads i have been down -especially when my daughter turned 14 and the stepmother,who had just had a baby.realised that the feelings she had for her child had ben shared twice before with her husband (my childrens dad -hard to handle).She lied until he was backed into a corner and my daughter couldnt retaliate -he used to have to take her out and pretend no-one was there -it was dreadful.it has scarred my daughter especially since when he did bite the bullet and bite back it was almost too late -but not quite-.he was killed last year.
My husband who obviously was there most of the time with them -I was there all of the time- being the primary carer -took really bad -he tried to assert himself but it wasnt my style of discipline and it caused major rucks.
I would stick with it -I can honestly say that we have all came through it -it was tough for them sharing their teenage angst with not only a mum and a dad but their partners as well.Both mine get on fine with my husband -dont have a lot to do with their step mum but daresay they wouldnt have much to do with my husband if I kicked the bucket.
I wouldnt involve myself too much in thir relationship -from experience- because she doesnt see her dad too much she doesnt want to share him -so just dotter around the house and let them get on with it -chase then out the house to the ice skating or cinema -thats what she wants-her dad -its not a reflection on you at all -dont try too hard.
I was the paranoid mum as well so dont worry about the calls -its just natural lol
I
My husband who obviously was there most of the time with them -I was there all of the time- being the primary carer -took really bad -he tried to assert himself but it wasnt my style of discipline and it caused major rucks.
I would stick with it -I can honestly say that we have all came through it -it was tough for them sharing their teenage angst with not only a mum and a dad but their partners as well.Both mine get on fine with my husband -dont have a lot to do with their step mum but daresay they wouldnt have much to do with my husband if I kicked the bucket.
I wouldnt involve myself too much in thir relationship -from experience- because she doesnt see her dad too much she doesnt want to share him -so just dotter around the house and let them get on with it -chase then out the house to the ice skating or cinema -thats what she wants-her dad -its not a reflection on you at all -dont try too hard.
I was the paranoid mum as well so dont worry about the calls -its just natural lol
I
Be careful about trying to come across as her friend, when it comes down to it you're an adult and her stepmum.
Have you tried the walk away approach? If she starts mouthing off, don't retaliate. Wait for a break in the mouthing off and just state quietly that you will not get into a confrontation with her so you are going to sit elsewhere and do something, have a cuppa, read a magazine or whatever, and if she wants to come and talk to you like an adult then she knows where you are.
Lead by example and show who a mature person should behave.
Have you tried the walk away approach? If she starts mouthing off, don't retaliate. Wait for a break in the mouthing off and just state quietly that you will not get into a confrontation with her so you are going to sit elsewhere and do something, have a cuppa, read a magazine or whatever, and if she wants to come and talk to you like an adult then she knows where you are.
Lead by example and show who a mature person should behave.
Maybe you should have waited until you ALL had a strong relationship together before moving in.
No matter how much you dislike her mum, she will still be her mum. The girl is going to see you trying to "discipline" her as completely inappropriate. At the moment, you are neither a friend, nor a parent. It takes a LONG time to be accepted as the "new" other half.
My mum met my step-dad when I was 12. They didn't live together until I left for Uni....
I admit to having been a complete brat to him, and the ONLY time he tried to retaliate, I almost succeeded in breaking them up (I'm ashamed to say).
Now, they have been living together for 13 years, and I have the utmost respect for him. He is like a dad to me, although I already have one (albeit an absent one). You have to understand the stress she is going through. Being a teenager is hard, and when there is family trouble as well, it'll kick off. Have another talk with her, adult to adult (even if she isn't one yet). Tell her you love her dad, and he loves you, but that does not mean he going to love them any less. It is only a different way of life. Never back down, but never shout either. Be firm, but always fair. She'll thank you for it later, believe me.
No matter how much you dislike her mum, she will still be her mum. The girl is going to see you trying to "discipline" her as completely inappropriate. At the moment, you are neither a friend, nor a parent. It takes a LONG time to be accepted as the "new" other half.
My mum met my step-dad when I was 12. They didn't live together until I left for Uni....
I admit to having been a complete brat to him, and the ONLY time he tried to retaliate, I almost succeeded in breaking them up (I'm ashamed to say).
Now, they have been living together for 13 years, and I have the utmost respect for him. He is like a dad to me, although I already have one (albeit an absent one). You have to understand the stress she is going through. Being a teenager is hard, and when there is family trouble as well, it'll kick off. Have another talk with her, adult to adult (even if she isn't one yet). Tell her you love her dad, and he loves you, but that does not mean he going to love them any less. It is only a different way of life. Never back down, but never shout either. Be firm, but always fair. She'll thank you for it later, believe me.
I wonder how your 2 sons feel about all this? Its not just all about his daughter, there are the 3 of you to consider as well...If I was in your situation I would demand some respect and back up from your partner otherwise I would seriously consider calling it a day.....the girl will never learn as long as everyone keeps pandering to her every whim, maybe her father feels guilty that he and the girls mother are not together anymore, but by compensating doing what he is doing, he is doing her no favours whatsoever.
I feel for you and your sons in all this, you have lost yourself in all this and your sons must feel pretty upset everytime they do something wrong and get told off, the girl comes round and does pretty much what she wants, regardless of who she is hurting, your sons must feel very frustrated.
I would show your partner what you have posted and the replies to it!!!!
I feel for you and your sons in all this, you have lost yourself in all this and your sons must feel pretty upset everytime they do something wrong and get told off, the girl comes round and does pretty much what she wants, regardless of who she is hurting, your sons must feel very frustrated.
I would show your partner what you have posted and the replies to it!!!!
hi kat i know how you feel, i have two boys with my partner and he has a son from a previous relationship. his son is 6. we have been together for nearly 5 years. his son stays with us evert other weekend and to be honest at time it is so hard, i get
" your not my mom"
"you cant tell me what to do"
" im telling my mom"
it is very hard, my two boys are quite calm children untill there step brother comes then they are hyper. his son is a very hyper child, and gets what he wants at home, because his son is always hyper and my boys are not, my partner see's it as our sons are being naughty when there hyper but they are just simply copying there brother. my sons are always being told off by there dad when his son does what he wants.
12 months ago me and my partner had a big talk and i said i had enough of his son doing what he wants, not listening and generally being cheeky, i didnt want it anymore. my partner told me how, because he didnt see alot of him he hated telling him off, because he wanted his son to like coming to see him, i explained that just because you set ground rules does not make you a bad parent. i told him things had got to change as i wasnt happy.
he took what i said on board and 12 months later we are so much happier, there are still things that need sorting but has been a big improvement.
it can be so hard if you dont have that bond with step children, but my advice is to talk to your partner, tell him you are not happy and that you cant live like it anymore, he will either chose to change things or walk away, if he walks then this relationship was never going to be long term, as his daughter would always come first and win!!
In tim eit will only start to effect your children too, as they will not see y she can do as she wants and they cant
good luck x
" your not my mom"
"you cant tell me what to do"
" im telling my mom"
it is very hard, my two boys are quite calm children untill there step brother comes then they are hyper. his son is a very hyper child, and gets what he wants at home, because his son is always hyper and my boys are not, my partner see's it as our sons are being naughty when there hyper but they are just simply copying there brother. my sons are always being told off by there dad when his son does what he wants.
12 months ago me and my partner had a big talk and i said i had enough of his son doing what he wants, not listening and generally being cheeky, i didnt want it anymore. my partner told me how, because he didnt see alot of him he hated telling him off, because he wanted his son to like coming to see him, i explained that just because you set ground rules does not make you a bad parent. i told him things had got to change as i wasnt happy.
he took what i said on board and 12 months later we are so much happier, there are still things that need sorting but has been a big improvement.
it can be so hard if you dont have that bond with step children, but my advice is to talk to your partner, tell him you are not happy and that you cant live like it anymore, he will either chose to change things or walk away, if he walks then this relationship was never going to be long term, as his daughter would always come first and win!!
In tim eit will only start to effect your children too, as they will not see y she can do as she wants and they cant
good luck x
Hi Lil75 and LozzyLou - Thank you for thinking about my sons, all too often they are forgotten about, ok, they are 16 and 14 but they have feelings too, they feel totally pushed away from their "home" when she is here, as you quite rightly said, she gets all the attention and can do no wrong, at any time!
I have spoke to my partner about it nearly every day and he just tells me to get a grip or make my decision if I want to leave, I really dont think it would bother him at all if I left and his daughter would be totally happy!
However, I really dare not show all this to my partner, he would flip, big time. I'm not really allowed to do things he doesnt want me to, I am now (after 3 years of being together) allowed to our local pub every other Friday for a drink with my one last remaining friend but I do have to be in by 9.30pm.....
Basically, I toe the line, myself and my children "walk on eggshells" permanently in case we do or say something he doesnt like, but, his daughter can say or do whatever she wants, because she can!
I have spoke to my partner about it nearly every day and he just tells me to get a grip or make my decision if I want to leave, I really dont think it would bother him at all if I left and his daughter would be totally happy!
However, I really dare not show all this to my partner, he would flip, big time. I'm not really allowed to do things he doesnt want me to, I am now (after 3 years of being together) allowed to our local pub every other Friday for a drink with my one last remaining friend but I do have to be in by 9.30pm.....
Basically, I toe the line, myself and my children "walk on eggshells" permanently in case we do or say something he doesnt like, but, his daughter can say or do whatever she wants, because she can!
Hi Kat,
what a terrible situation you are in, i do know what its like as i had a stepson aswell,luckily i got rid of the husband and the son,i really feel for you as you seem to be in a very domineering relationship as it is.Why do you let your partner treat you like that you deserve better and so do your sons.
If you continue to stay in your relationship you will eventually realise that no one should treat you like that and hopefully have the courage to call it a day before you are worn down to the ground
what a terrible situation you are in, i do know what its like as i had a stepson aswell,luckily i got rid of the husband and the son,i really feel for you as you seem to be in a very domineering relationship as it is.Why do you let your partner treat you like that you deserve better and so do your sons.
If you continue to stay in your relationship you will eventually realise that no one should treat you like that and hopefully have the courage to call it a day before you are worn down to the ground
Kat
It doesnt appear the step child is the only problem here. Judging by the comment -
'I'm not really allowed to do things he doesnt want me to'
your partner sounds like a dominating controling man. I think you need to think about the effect this is having on your sons at an important stage in their lives.
As hard as it may be I think you know you would be better of without him.
Good luck
It doesnt appear the step child is the only problem here. Judging by the comment -
'I'm not really allowed to do things he doesnt want me to'
your partner sounds like a dominating controling man. I think you need to think about the effect this is having on your sons at an important stage in their lives.
As hard as it may be I think you know you would be better of without him.
Good luck
kat, I'm sorry to hear you are being made so miserable & I hope this will help you make a change for the better.
I was married to a very controlling man for 15 years. I was deeply depressed & a total doormat. I felt that I couldn't live without him & that I didn't want to try. He was removed from my life - which immediately began to improve. I found I liked living with just my daughter. My life was simpler & more productive without him controlling & undermining me. Five years on I'm happy & content with my life living alone. I can't believe I put up with him for so long - my only regret is I didn't do it sooner. You are an emotionally battered woman & I have to tell you that it's just as bad as being physically battered. Make your plans & escape. All your sons are learning is that it's ok to treat women this way - & that they are 2nd class citizens. You are the catalyst.....
I was married to a very controlling man for 15 years. I was deeply depressed & a total doormat. I felt that I couldn't live without him & that I didn't want to try. He was removed from my life - which immediately began to improve. I found I liked living with just my daughter. My life was simpler & more productive without him controlling & undermining me. Five years on I'm happy & content with my life living alone. I can't believe I put up with him for so long - my only regret is I didn't do it sooner. You are an emotionally battered woman & I have to tell you that it's just as bad as being physically battered. Make your plans & escape. All your sons are learning is that it's ok to treat women this way - & that they are 2nd class citizens. You are the catalyst.....
Hiya Kat. My boyfriends son lived with us for nearly 3 years, has just moved back with his mum aged 17. He was pretty much ok with me and I think others have given excellent advice. I only wanted to add that you mentioned she had told you things that she knew you wouldn't tell her mum dad. I'm not sure thats a great position to be getting yourself into. I always told my bloke everything that happened or that was said that I thought I needed to. Even small things - just ment they could never be used against me. I made it clear when I didn't want him to do or say anything but I just thought he should know. Then again my bloke was very supportive and you don't seem to be in a similar situation in that respect.
Having step kids is hard enough without your partner not supporting you. If it was me in your situation I think i'd be telling him where to go. Good luck
Having step kids is hard enough without your partner not supporting you. If it was me in your situation I think i'd be telling him where to go. Good luck
Hi Kat,
Do you love this man? Do you think you would be happier by yourself with your children. As others have said he seems to be controlling and he has no right to tell you what you can and can't do. I've been there and done that kind of relationship and I think I know what I would eventually do in that situation...walk
Do you love this man? Do you think you would be happier by yourself with your children. As others have said he seems to be controlling and he has no right to tell you what you can and can't do. I've been there and done that kind of relationship and I think I know what I would eventually do in that situation...walk
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