Missing my Dad

[peachy51]

Hi there,

Lost my Dad 8 weeks ago , and its my birthday coming up soon, 20th to be exact... this is going to be my first birthday without Dad, how am i going to cope, we were soooo close, and mum has given me a card(which i havent opened) but i wonder who she has put the card from... either mum or mum n dad either way i know it will upset me ... shall i open the card at all??
PS im gonna be 37

[sara3]

oh peachy.. I'm sorry. you have lots of "special" days to get through, and you and your mum will be there for each other.

of course you must open your birthday card, and I expect it will just be from your mum.. which is really the right thing to do, but will have been equally difficult for your mum to write.

think of your happy memories, and try to enjoy your birthday. I'm sure that's what your dad would have wanted x

[tigwig]

Really sorry about your dad. I lost my mum in law not quite the same but I do have some idea of what you're going through. It will be hard no doubt but each year will get easier. Plan to do something nice with your mum possibly something where you'll be busy and not be able to be too sad. It is of course completely natural to think about your dad and I am sure you will have a cry. Just think he will be looking down on you and won't want you to be upset. Try and have a good day and take care.

[bensmum]

Hi peachy. You never get over losing your dad but it does get easier to look back on as time goes by. I lost my dad when I was 22 many years ago now but I still think about him lots. 8 weeks is no time at all and the first special occasions will always be difficult. Open the card and have a cry - there's nothing wrong with that but I imagine your mum will have been at as much of a loss as to what to write in it. Try to have a good day
XX

[peachy51]

thanks for your kind replies... I dont want to do anything for my birthday, seeing my mum at the weekend tho as she lives 30 miles away , my partner asked me if i wanted to go for a meal etc, im not sure , but if i do decide to go , it will be because like you said , my Dad would never want me to be unhappy on my birthday, Mum n dad wouldve been married 50yrs on Dec 20th, dunno what i should do for that day, my brother said to ask mum if she would like to do something on that day, but i dont want to upset HER !!!

[andy-hughes]

It's a very tough time peachy, and everyone has given excellent advice thus far.

No matter you do, or don't do on your birthday, your dad is going to be in your thouights. Think fondly of him, and know he wouldn't want you to be sad. Do have a cry when you need to - grief is very badly handled by us Westerners, so allow your emotions to go where they will - it's good for you.

[~Wingnut~]

Hi Peachy

So sorry to hear about your loss. The caring posts above are all right, the first of everything when a loved one has passed are always very difficult and if you want to cry then do, don't keep it all inside.
Read your card, it may actually comfort you a little and as above I am sure it was hard for your Mum to know what to do.

My Dad died 11 years ago and it does get easier with time, that sounds so hollow but it is true.

How about instead of suggesting going out for a meal when it would have been their wedding anniversary why don't you cook dinner at home and invite her to stay for a few days if that's possible. I don't think you will upset her, she is probably at a loss to know what the right thing would be to do and may welcome someone telling her what she could do. If she doesn't do something in time she may regret not doing anything.

I feel for you and your thread has actually brought tears to my eyes, it is very hard but you will all get through this xxxx

[coccinelle]

I was 39 five weeks after my Dad died, 8 years ago. I was like you, I didn't want to do anything that day so I didn't, I just had a few drinks of wine with hubby at home. The card that read from Mam had me in tears but that's part of getting through it all.
On their wedding anniversary, just take some flowers and don't make a big thing of it as she wouldn't want you to but matter of factly ask her if she wants to go shopping as you're going, so she isn't on her own.
There are lots of hurdles to get over before getting on the flat but you do and the tears help us through it.

[kilkenny]

Hi Peachy

Been there and done this one. It is not easy particulalrly so soon after your loss. Try to remember the great birthdays in the past, remember the good times but remember too that being sad is not a bad thing it just reflects your love for your Dad.

Do speak to your Mum as I am sure the whole birthday issue will be throwing up a lot of issues for her also.

Oh and I am sure your Dad would have wanted you to have a great birthday so enjoy it in his memory.


Kilkenny

[eyeshade]

I have an idea for your birthday, why don't you create a little place like a tiny altar, in your bedroom or somewhere you have some private space, that you can keep things on it that were close to your dad, like a photo, something you bought him, then light a candle and think of all the good things you did together, guarantee you will have a warm feeling inside, you can do this then whenever you feel you are missing him. I am sure he will be around you for your birthday.

[Rosetta]

I am really sorry to hear of your loss Peachy. Its a very hard time for you all. One of the best things you can do is keep talking to your mum about your dad and your loss. I have heard comments before from bereaved people who say everyone shys away from mentioning your loved one for fear of causing upset, whereas in a strange way it feels like they are being forgotten.

They aren't forgotten of course, its just hard to know what to say sometimes.

When my mum died I found making a memories box helped me. The things that were in it were special to her, some made me smile as well as cry to remember, for example she always had a boiling hot hot water bottle with her so I took a photo of it and popped in the box.

Could you plant a tree or a special plant in his memory?

[elaine33]

Hi Peachy, I am so sorry for your sadness, and I know just how you must be feeling. My daddy died in April, I was devastated, in May it would have been his birthday, June was Fathers Day, July was my mums birthday and August would have been their 55th Wedding Aniversary. September my daughters birthday and October my sons, November is the first month since his death that there has not been a special day, and of course next month is Christmas. I still have my birthday in March to get through. The first year is always full of firsts and each one is painful. You have to cope with them in your own way. Fathers day this year was awful for me but I could not spoil it for my children and they went out to celebrate with their dad and were understanding that I stayed at home and just had a quiet time with my memories. My mums birthday and wedding anniversary were spent following mums guidance. For her birthday I took her out to lunch and for the W/A she wanted to be alone, but I bought her a rose bush called Memory which we have planted. Even though it has been 6 months I still find tears come easily and when I least expect them. For you it is still very very soon and you must just let your emotions take you, cry, and laugh, remember the good times and remember he is still alive inside you, he made you and he loved you.

[zzxxee]

extreamly sorry for your loss, especially as you were so close its so very hard when we loose loved ones you are in kind of a state of limbo , i no its only a saying but its so true time is a great healer. if you dont want to do anything for your birthday that is your god given right. i no im not religious at all but i no when my nan passed a week before my birthday years ago i didnt want to do anything so i decided to do a memory trip and went for a car drive to all her fav places, the local park and fed the ducks a cannal we used to walk along when i was little and i felt really connected to her spirit.... whatever you decide just make sure its right for you good luck love xx

[haysi06]

Hi peachy51, I am so sorry for your loss. Please do open the card as it will bring you comfort. I know how heartbreaking first birthdays, christmasses and anniversaries are, and no one can tell you how you yourself are going to be. Please remember the love and care that your dad gave you, that is his legacy to you. He won't want you to be so sad and will want you to remember him in fondly. It really is ok to cry, and to mourn and be sad, but equally it really is ok to think about all of the good memories of him and your family. Take care Hxx

[samuelcat1]

I lost my Mum 4 years ago. She died on Dec 8th. As the first Christmas came my Dad signed the card from her as well. I would not have had it any other way.But please remember your Mum may not have signed it from him because she may not want to upset you further.Whichever it is just take some time out somewhere on your own and sob unashamedly.
My parents would have been married for 50 years just 1 month after she died.
Now when the family get together for birthdays and the like we share memories and stories about Mum and it really does help.
Talk to as many people who will listen.
On what would have been thier 50th-Golden Wedding we bought my Dad a rose bush called Golden Wedding.Now when it is in full flower we can all think of her.
Give it some thought.

[terambulan]

Your grieving for your dad is painful, as it is for your mum. Your mum may not have too many relations and friends to help ease her grief nor much distraction from her memories. Whereas, I presume you work and have colleagues to distract your memories. It's a painful time for all of you.

Include your mum in everything you do for now to support each other during this difficult time. Encourage your mum to find other interests to help her through her bereavement.

[peachy51]

hi again thanks for all the kind hearted replies..... yes we have all the first birthdays, christmas, anniversarys etc without Dad.... Its hard to get through each day at the moment ... Mum doesnt say much about her feelings, but i can guess they aint all that good, i know she hates being in the house now, well the lonliness anyway.... I just cant believe hes gone and that he will never cuddle me again etc.... this is the first time i have experienced a bereavement i my adult life ,,,, i phone a bearevemet place and the assured me that i was " normal" but sometimes i feel so strong about wanting to go see my dad i worry myself ????????

[Rosetta]

Peachy, it is normal for you to feel the grief that you do and first birthdays and anniversaries are particularly painful. I know it sounds trite, and that it is very early days for you, but believe me it does get easier over time.

Talk to your mum about him when you can. you will both weep,but so what. I know my mum felt the loss and loneliness really terribly when my dad died, but with support she coped and lived the next part of her life with times of happiness.

You and your mum will get there, be kind and strong for yourselves.

Best wishes

[Connemmara]

Hi Peachy - I lost 10 family members before the age of 33 and had to go through the burial of every one of them since I was about 10 years old.. Now I am 57 I have buried perhaps another 7 - some of these children and teenagers. So I know they say time is a great healer but the pain never goes away. You go just through the motions - good and bad days. My sister lost her only son 3 years ago - he was only 33 - and she does not talk about him either and I always feel everything is not right by not talking about it but that is the way she wants it and I cannot force her to talk about it.