family issues

[ithappens]

i have had major probs with my mother for many years. we went out for a couple meals last year but apart from that havent spoke.my brother had a baby few weeks ago i bought the baby nice present ive seen it once in its pram i cry everyday cos it upsets me so much that ive not been asked to meet this baby, i put on the gift tag i couldnt wait for a cuddle so they do know. i have life of dreams i dream we are all so close. i ordered my mother flowers for mothers day on internet yesterday then deleted it before check out. in my dreams we are also all going out for lunch on mothers day. i used to drink few glasses of wine everyday i think it was to mar all this. ive not done so for a month now and all i think about is these problems i think i was doing it to be oblivious to them. its really getting me down. sorry if this doesnt make sense ive had to condense it. Dont kow what help i think you can give really suppose getting it off my chest helps.

[annie0000]

Could you take matters into your own hands? Could you phone yur brother and ask when it would be convenient to come round and see the baby? Could you speak to hima t the same time about having lunch together? It may just be that people get wrapped up in their own lives and they need someone to organise these things but they are happy to go along with it.

If you get rebuiffed after all the above, then maybe it is time to accept that people have a differing level of need to be close to their family and maybe you need to create your own network of friends. Do you have a partner? Do you think that you need other ways to meet people?

In my family for instance most of us are happy to just get on with our own lifes - happliy knowing that are families are there if we really need them, my sister howvere loves to get weveryone together and we are happy to let her do that and turn up, but if she wasn't around, we probably would not really speak to each other that often and that wouldn't really bother me too much.

Everybody is different, they probably have no idea that this is upsetting you and wont unless you tell them.

Well done with the wine as well ;o)

[annie0000]

Sorry for all the crap typos, should have checked it before posting.

[obNOXious]

Annie is totally right. Everyone's family and the individuals within those famiies are different. My own birth family are about as dysfunctional as they could possibly be and that, particularly my mother, was something that I lamented for years.
All you can do is try to be close to people, you can't force them, and if they don't want to be as close as you do then that's just THEIR loss not yours. Took me a very long time to realise this, as I had a lot of trauma from my childhood, where my mother actively stood by and allowed my father to repeatedly beat the bejaysus out of me on a very regular basis until his death. She didn't want to make up for that, and nothing I can do or say will change that, but I do understand your dreams, because even now mine are very similar. However, I got married for the second time to a wonderful woman who led me away from considering that there was something wrong with me, which caused their reactions and although we are not still together it did make me realise that this was none of my fault.
It's given me the chance to move on to be who I really am and now I'm fairly happy with that.
Well done for kicking the booze as well, as a prop. I was previously many years ago addicted to drink and drugs because of my unhappiness, and you don't want to be there, so you've absolutely done the right thing.
As annie says, make yourself available to them, but don't place your happiness in other people's hands.

[ithappens]

i have a wonderful partner, loads of friends always busy and very social. there is much more to this, it stems from my mum i cannot ever remember her giving me a hug or a kiss and i can hear her saying 'whatever will people think' whenever i was younger and she wasnt 100% in control of me. she appears lovely to strangers and would bend over backwards for them but always moaned at me and run me down. she even told me i didnt need to go to my own fathers funeral?!! I could go on + on. I think thats why i darent invite myself to visit my brother for fear of being knocked back and me being wrong by calling on him.

[ummmm]

Are sure it doesn't come across to him like you're not interested?

Why don't you send him a text asking when would be a good time to pop round and see him and new baby?

[ithappens]

i dont know his number so cant text. i feel so upset now i am actually avoiding them all as i know i will cry when i see them. ive gone from being strong and saying to myself next time i see them i shall ask them outright but nicely why i havent been asked to see it yet but now im just proper upset and wont be strong enough. i want to be friendly with them all but am afraid to for fear of rejection. friends of my mother have commented to me about 'what i have had to put up with' those that know her properly know what shes like but to neighbours and strangers she appears wonderful. is it the fact that im not drinking that makes me upset and thinking about this all the time now? i know ive got to sort it out one way or another or i shall crack up!

[ummmm]

Can't you get hold of your brothers number. Surely you must have some contact with people they do?

[obNOXious]

you really have to just speak to them openly and directly about
and if you get upset during that discussion then so be it, you can't live on like this, and you do need to give your brother a chance before you decide that he's been off or distant.

[k8bailey]

I don't know how old your brothers baby is, but when mine was very little I expected people to come and see me, and they had to invite themselves, because I was so busy and wrapped up in the little one that I never gave a second thought to anyone else. I know that sounds selfish but babies are hard work, don't wait around to be invited. Get in touch with him. If my brother never came to visit my child, I'd be a bit upset, so maybe he's waiting for you to make the first move.

As for mothers... mines great, but my father and his familly are awful and don't give a stuff about me, so after years of trying to come to terms with this, and feeling very hurt and angry, I just accept that, thats life. I've moved on maybe you need to aswel!

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but sometimes families don't work and can't be fixed! You've tried and thats all you can do, don't keep beating yourself up over this.

[ithappens]

i used to get in a right state about my mother she basically turned me into a nervous wreck a few years ago thats when i decided i wasnt going to let it get to me anymore. this worked for a while but i guess this baby has kinda made it rear its ugly head again and although i wasnt letting it get to me deep down it has been bothering me.

[annie0000]

I know it is hard, but give yourself a wee while to calm down, pick up the phone to your brother ask after his partner and the baby, say that you would love to come and see (him or her) but you uinderstand that they will be very busy and is it okay just to pop in sometime. He may be less than welcoming and that will hurt, but at least you will know where you stand. On the other hand, he may be perfectly happy to hear from you - sometimes when they have their own children, people are more open to doing family things.

As for your mother, it's her loss. Maybe she didn't have the warmest of upbringings either, and she can't see what she is doing wrong, i am sure she loves you in her own way, but she is setting herself up to be a lonely old woman.

Now go pick up the phone!!!!!

[angeldraws]

just one tip = don't call the baby 'it' when /if you speak to your brother.....parents don't like that!

[elaine33]

Hi, please take note of what K8bailey says. New babies take over the lives of parents. They do not have time to invite people and worry about who has or has not seen the baby. Just pop round, tell your brother, that you want to see his lovely new addition to the family, don't stay too long but re assure them that you are there if they need you. Just keep in regular contact.
Send your mum some flowers and a card. I had a poor relationship with my parents but now I would give anything to just send a card and tell them I love them.

[Im a BusyBee]

thanks for your answers - i bumped into my sister in law this morning and i couldnt bring myself to speak as i had planned, but i asked how the babay was she said its getting very big now and i said 'and i havent even seen it yet' she said no and carried on talking! incidently it was in her car which was very close by - wasnt that a que for her to offer for me to see it one way or another??! i went indoors and cried - again.