my 17 year oldmoved in with her grandparents

[zzxxee]

im heartbroken shes been gone 5 months shes 18 in june and we still dont seem to be getting on any better she wont come home if i come down to visit she goes upstairs ive done nothing wrong i dont no where to go from here any suggestions?

[WiseOldSage]

Any chance of finding out what is wrong? I mean from her grandparents? Us oldies have a habit of doing stuff without realising it if you know what I mean?

[zzxxee]

when they ask she just says she hates my partner he has always been there for her never shows aggresion and loves her she just says she hates him when i ask for a reason she says she just does ive been with him 6 years

[WiseOldSage]

Have they had a bust up? Or is he laying down the law a bit. My husband was always a bit wary of telling my kids off, so to speak. He didn't feel it was his place. But the first time they do it comes as a bit of a shock.

[zzxxee]

he never lays down the law they just dont speak its like she hates us and there is no justifiable reason at all we are so confused

[WiseOldSage]

Sometimes my eldest says I do too much for my hubby but then when I point out that I do as much for him he concedes. I think some relationships can be very full on and sometimes the kids feel a bit left out if they see you having a laugh or some quiet time or a bit of whispering. It's all a bit alien for my son because his Dad and I got to the stage where we couldn't stand each other so a bit of fun or cuddling can be a bit off putting for them.

[Schutzengel]

zzxxee. So your daughter was 11 when your partner arrived. Do you think it could be jealousy, if she was used to having all your attention to herself.

[zzxxee]

maybe but that was 6 years ago at first they got on ok but the last 2 years have been awful we have even offered to go to family mediation with her but she wont meet us half way wont talk nothing. ive tried one to one with her she just tells me to **** off i always tell her i love her and im proud of her my partner doesnt no what else to do she only talks to him if she wants money

[stonekicker]

leave her to sulk! she is either stuck as that jealous 11 year old who came across your partner, or maybe there is some issue that neither of them are telling you about. don't force things, don;t push either of them to solve the problem if one or both of them are resitent as it will not work and become ugly or messy. equally, if she can't stand him and avoids you/cuts you off, why are you giving her money? if she wants to ignore you, then she should do without your benefits too. by giving into her, you are positively rewarding her behaviour and not making her 'work' at the relationship between you as a family at all. see how she likes that...and how quickly she will probably become nice. after all, you wouldn't give �50 to someone who abused you in the street, would you? x

[zzxxee]

she doesnt get money from me just like that believe me its just her family allowence because she is at college and is entitled to it by law

[Schutzengel]

zzxxee. Have you thought that it might have some bearing on the situation as to whether the grandparents are your parents, or your daughter's father's parents. It might have been better if the grandparents had not agreed for your daughter to stay there, which would have brought home to her the need for the situation at home to be resolved once and for all. zzxxee at the moment it seems that all the love and all the effort is coming from you. After all she is still only 16, and the way she swears at you is total disrespect. Is there any way that a family conference could be arranged, with everyone agreeing to be honest, before this develops into an even worse situation. I do wish you all the best in your efforts to resolve this, as rifts in a family are very sad for all involved. Schutz.

[Schutzengel]

Sorry - 17

[zzxxee]

thanks schuttz that is very good advise indeed xx

[weas]

plain old fashioned jealous! she cannot help it , it is very normal behaviour, you are her mum , and she is of an age where she cannot tell you she loves you or needs you ,,treat her to a sometime ,leave sometime at grandmas for her with a pretty card tell her you love her and thought she might like this ! what ever it is ,
keep showing love and you will break in good luck

[zzxxee]

thatnk you so much weas im touched what lovely advise

[Squitty]

I agree that it would have been better if the grandparents hadn't been quite so willing to take her in. This is exactly the same as happened to my 17 year old who left home after an argument & turned up on the grandparents door. He stayed there for two years and things were not quite the same for either relationship.

I have to tell you though that the child grows to understand what went wrong and he has been very adult about the situation looking back & said they wished they hadnt left.

Its not easy but Good luck

[zzxxee]

thank you squitty x

[queeam]

Maybe there is something else hidden there that she is not willing to tell you because she thinks it will break your heart. there is always a reason. either you will find out today or she will tell you years from now. however, i think that the grandparents know as well but they too are hesitant to say. i know of a similar incident and when it came out the stepdad was attempting to get a bit to close to the teenager. she knew her mum loved the guy but was also afraid of what could happen so she moved in with her dad who eventually told the mum. I hope yours is not the same

[Schutzengel]

What a scary thought, it's just putting doubts into zzxxee's mind. As if she hasn't got enough to worry about already.
I hope to God there are no skeleton's in the cupboard, in this situation.

[jack daniels]

i did have the thought of 'maybe something else hidden' too. I hope too that is not the case.
As for the grandparents - i'd feel better off knowing where my child was, rather then being turned away by someone she thought she could trust & go to. Would you have preffered it if she had of ending up on the streets!? that way you'd be worrying yourself stupid & i'm sure you're well aware of would could happen.

[Schutzengel]

Just a point, zzxxee never said she minded her daughter being at the grandparents, she just wished she would come home.