When is it abusive?

[CJ242]

I love my husband.
In so many ways he is the perfect father but lately, I'm getting worried!!
We have two young children who can, obviously, be naughty a lot of the time.
He is a large man and he grabs them by the arm, leaving clear fingerprint bruises. I yelled at him for this and he swore he didn't mean to do it so hard.
I could believe that, but, he has started smacking them , sometimes hard enough for me to hear it when I'm on another floor of the house.
I brought this up and was told (and I quote) "I should be able to discipline my children as I see fit!")
Every morning my kids sob because he has hurt them in one way or another. Most of the time because they have just messed about in the bathroom.
Despite this, they still love him so if I leave him they will be devastated!!!
Any advice would be appreciated.

[CJ242]

Thank you so much Yogi xx
Thank you to everyone else too!!
I know what I have do!
I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to do it !!!!!!!!

[tamborine]

Dont disrupt your children and home just 'cause you're a wimp!

Bluddy hit him back and defend your kids. If he's stronger (most men are) grab anything hard & heavy and throw it at him. Give him the biggest kicking/shouting/beating possible; fill pans with water (hot) and soak him, throw his shoes at him, chuck his clothes out, hammer him, smash the tv at him and throw full beer cans at his face & head, where he will bruise and bleed worst - so he can tell his friends.

Get your full adrenalin force and belt the bukker. Then kick him out the door, naked, with a loud ear-bashing for the neighbours. Be a lioness!

[Beanmistriss]

You are the adult and they are the children - adults make decisions like this not children. Of course they will be devestated - kids always love their parents no matter what they do. It doesn\'t mean what he does is right. You HAVE to be strong enough - you don\'t have another option. The children can\'t fix this, you have to do it for them. Good luck xx

[Ankou]

well i hope you come back in a few months to tell us that your husband has had counselling whilst you moved out and you are both willing to give it another try.

rather than something dreadful about your children being horribly injured by this person (who you described as vicious and nasty just a couple of months ago) and taken into care.

if you haven't got the gumption to think of your childrens saftey and protection as a number one priorty, then further questions must be asked of yourself. if not by you or us, then it will be by some authorised body.

sorry to be harsh, but this is kids we are talking about

[888sally888]

For goodness sake - dont leave this situation as it is. How will you feel WHEN and not IF he really harms your children? You must put them first.

[Lil O'lady]

It is natural for your children to want to love him, even if he hurts them, but this can't go on. If you can't easliy find someone to point you the right way, your school (or the education department if they are shut for alf term) will have someone who is responsible for chld protection - 'Safeguarding' as it is now called. You need to shout oud and get the people involvd with safeguarding to help you sort this out. This will involve everyone from social services, police, school, health visitors to get their acts together and gie you the right advice. Only you can say if you want this man in your life and at what cost, my own reaction would be to change the locks and divorce the swine, but you are clearly a nice gentle person and love him. Insist on being given the right help from the safeguarding people and take it from there.

[k8bailey]

As i said last night, I speak from experience, my dad used to hit me and my brother to discpline us, then he moved onto our mother when she tried to stick up for us, then he just used to hit any of us whenever the mood took him. She walked out on him eventually, after several failed attempts, leaving us behind as she had nowhere to go to start with. After a while she got herself sorted and we lived with her again, it took a lot of courage for her to leave such a violent, manipulative man. He was very good a playing dad and being the perfect husband, when he wanted to, but behind closed doors things got worse and worse.

When my mum left we were very angry at her for splitting up the family, but in time we came to realise that it was for the best, (and I honestly mean that) we could all say, do, think and wear whatever we wanted without fear of it being 'wrong'. We also got to know our mum properly, which has been fantastic, it's been nearly a decade since all this happened and some of what happened will stay with me forever, like the guilt of not being able to protect my mum and brother and some of the horrible things I saw. But on the plus side, I have got to know my father again, he is re-married and much happier and calmer now. So just because your kids love their father, doesn't mean it's right to put up with all of this, they will be upset, of course, but sometimes people are happier and have better relationships because of a bit of distance!

Things will be very hard, but they will get better, (my mum promised me that when she left and although I couldn't see it at the time she was right) but act now before some real damage is done.

[gossipgirl]

everyone has their own way of disaplining there children, i was smacked as a child if i was really naughty and i would do the same to my children if i called for it. It didnt harm me, hurt me for a little while but certainly not enough to be crying to a teacher the next day. I think you need to sit him down and explain that you are worried about the kids well being and safety and that if he doesnt calm down he will have to pack his bags. Yor kids have to be your first priority on this one. Its TOO far when you can hear his slaps in another part of the house, thats not punishment, its torture

[aims1202]

I havent read the posts so sorry if i repeat anything.
If he is having to smack them all the time then it obviously doesnt work, maybe he doesnt know any other way to manage childrens behaviour. I would give him a chance to change and show him a different way. Children need positive role models, they need to see what is the right way to behave so their parents have to behave this way, talking nicely to them, being kind, showing them they love them. Children also need praise and lots of it, every little thing they do good, praise them, give rewards too if its really good. If they are old enough explain what the rules are eg being kind and what happens if they are broken. Ignore the little things, if its just curiousity or being silly ignore the behaviour but not the child, if they make a mess just ask them nicely to help clear it up. If they do behave in a way you do not like then depending how old they are remove them from the situation for a minute or so and tell them calmly its not allowed. Its best to tell them what you DO want them to do instead of what you don't want them to do. Another point is that if your husband has anger issues he must get help for it, for the sake of your kids. Good luck.

[suzie1]

helloo how are you cj242, hope things are ok for you today, have you sorted it out, did you speak to any of his friends or him again regarding hitting the kids, what did he say, im really worried for you, i hope this gets sorted amicably and not have to go to far, as hitting the kids is very bad, but breaking thier home wont be good for them either, so he should grow up, and look after the little cherubs and love them lots and lots. I would leave my hubby if he ever hurt my kids, dont care how much i love him, i love them more, but if he promised he would never do it again, i would try and make it work. hope it gets sorted

[ruthandsam]

Anger Management Classes will be able via your GP who may refer the person to a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist. Please get some help and support either for yourself if your husband would not go.
The cycle of abuse must be broken or else your children MAY go on to copy this behaviour as a coping mechanism, in the future. That's is what I went on to do as an adult having being brought up in similar circumstances, however, I got help when I recognised the signs and before anyone got really hurt!

[nohorn]

I agree with brokenstone; leave him, it will only get worse. It will be hard but you have to for sake of the children.

[Ice.Maiden]

I've only just seen your post CJ, and whilst I can imagine how torn you feel, since you still love your husband, you have to put your children first. You won't have your children taken off you. A women's refuge'd help you, but your husband's behaviour isn't aceptable at all.
Some people grew up being smacked, and say that it made no difference to them as adults, but this type of behaviour tends to be handed down, and when you say that you can hear your children being smacked when you're upstairs - this horrifies me. get out asap, and put your children first - no matter where you end up!

[tinkerbell23]

hey cj- hope all is ok...my mum would smack me...and not even just the one slap...it was a complete beating that could last minutes!! she was always regretfull and bought me things to say sorry and come and try to hug me...got to the point where i resented her for it - still do..and i get mad wth my dad- he dint know the half of it...but what he does know he more or less thinks i must have dserved it...he defends my mum to the ground and that makes me mad...i would b late for schoool or miss it coz id get so upset- moved out wen i was 20 because she hit me and i was sooooo close to hitting back....thought enough was enough and left- that was 1year n a half ago-my point is that by that stage i didnt think i even loved her bcoz she had hurt me so so much...but yet material wise i have EVERYTHING- never went without- but couldnt ever go to them emotionally-- dont be like that and dont let ur kids come to resent you for condoning it by turning a blind eye....i wish u so much luck xxx