Relatives living with you

[Ric.ror]

Should I let my mum - who is 82 - come to live with us. I know she is lonely - I go everyday straight from work at 3pm and stay until 9pm sometimes - at the weekend I went on Sat noon until 8pm and on Sunday noon until 6pm but even then I dont think she wanted me to go. I only live approx a mile away but as i dont drive its not as close as you might think

[mollykins]

Who else lives with you, what do they think?

[ummmm]

Is she of sound mind?

My cousin lives with my Grandad, in his house, he doesn't need much help....actually she makes him do more than he's done for years. They get on great. My Nan's in a home though as she has dementia and he's too old to look after her now (86)

[Ric.ror]

Yes she is of sound mind
One of my sons lives with me full time the other from time to time

[B00]

If she wants to, and you want her there, I fail to see why you even need to ask the question?

[Ric.ror]

Because I have spoken to colleagues who have had their parent(s) move in and they seem to think its a bad idea - thought I might widen my focus group

[sophie_1003]

Ask her to move in for a bit e.g. "Why don't you come and stay with us for a couple of months?" then see how it goes

[joannie10]

it sounds like it would actually give you more of a life back Ric.ror so if you get on well then why not. As previously suggested if there was an opportunity to initially just give it a try then that might be the best option.

[Alibobs]

You are wise to consider this carefully - it could work but is not always easy.

If she is socially isolated, as she appears to be, you could request an assessment of need from her local social services department. Social needs should be taken into account just as much as personal care, nutrition etc. She may benefit from attending a social centre, a befriending agency or some such support.

You are currently spending a lot of time with your mum - the other important question is how would you spend the time if you weren't doing this?

[andy-hughes]

It can be difficult because it is very easy for your parents to revert back to their role - the boss!

If tyou can establish a few rules concerning her treating you as an adult and deferring to your views about how your house runs, it can be fine, butr it does depend on your relationship.

[dentarot]

I have had my elderly in-laws stay with us for 11 days! Whilst I understand age comes to us all it has been the most stressful experience I have had for some time. My mother in law speaks to her son as if he was still a child, my father in law moans about the television programmes I wished to watch. I took to staying away at my brothers for one night just for some peace. Maybe you could look into moving closer to her or vice versa.

[boxtops]

IMO the suggestion to have her to come to stay for a few days - to test the water - would be a good idea. Could you think of a reason- like, "I'd like to decorate your bedroom", so she needs to move out for a few days? Just to see how it is when you are actually under the same roof? I lived with my mum for a few years when she was in her 80s and I must admit we had a terrific time, but you do find out that each of you has little habits you don't know about when you are only visiting!

[yelenots]

I have had a similar experience as 'dentalot' - my mother-in-law came to stay for 1 week, ended up staying nearly 3!! First few days were ok but then she started getting fussy with the food, didnt wanth to watch programmes we wanted to see!! I made excuses to go to Tesco's most evenings just to get out of the house!! But it might of been different if she had been 'my' mother - I'd still think about it seriously, she may be fit and healthly now!

[welshlibranr]

I would just have to try! she hasn't got so many years left really! I'd have to try to make them happy.................

[caslass]

After my father died my mum came to live with me, husband and son. It put a strain on all of us. I felt in the middle most of the time. We managed to muddle through. Years on we still have a laugh about some of her antics.

[lardhelmet]

If my Mum had died first, I'd have welcomed my Dad into my house as he was a lovely old boy. However, he died first and (luckily) my Mum did not want to live with us (phew!) - valued her independence too much!

[_sophie_]

I am only 15 - so this may not be much help to you but i will try anyway!
My granny, who is 88, came to live with us permanently in a converted granny flat we had on our extension whilst my grandad went to stay with his sons (my grandmother got re-married so he is kind of my step-grandad). She couldn't look after herself and to be completely honest, at the start it caused alot of friction and tension between my family and my parents especially. However, now things have settled and there are many care packages available for her which gives my mum a break. my mum gave up her job for this, and i know she finds it very stressful sometimes and you do need your space (even I need space from my grandmother!).. but then again it might be easier because it is your mum, and not your mother-in-law as it is for my mum. It would also mean you can relax after work a bit more and get home!

Sorry if this is not much help but maybe you can sort of relate to it haha! Good luck with everything, hope it turns out ok xxx

[beryl100able]

I think it's rather sad that in our culture there are so many question marks over nearly everything to do with family life. People literally don't know what to do any more, and all in the name of freedom. In cultures where parents automatically expect to be looked after in their old age by the children they gave their adult lives to, this isn't a problem. The parents, the elders, are the boss, yes, and the wisdom of old age is respected. And if they're not of sound mind, so what? Then they need care. And who better than a caring family. If the family doesn't care? God help us.

[tamirra]

Dont do it, been there and it didnt work, eventhough they were in the annexe we had built to the side of our house it just didnt work out, i felt like i was living back home as there little girl and had to say goodbye when i went out and hello when i got back in, also when we had visitors they had to say hello to them too as i got it in the neck if they didnt, this is just my opinion tho. x

[droopdrawers]

I say a big no no to having parents move in with you.

Yours could have another 15 or so years...getting more frail as time goes on. You too will become older and could well resent the lack of freedom and privacy.

I also say your Mum is a very lucky lady to have you visit so often and stay so long with her. Seriously you have already made a rod for your own back by staying so long.

I am not being hard hearted here but practical having first worked as a carer in peoples homes and looked after my Mum and MIL. I loved them both dearly but ohh dear it spoilt an othewise brilliant relation ship.

There are many more reasons but you need time to digest all these replies.

Good Luck DD