Should I make contact

[milly143]

Evening all. I just wanted to ask for some advice/opinions on what you think I should do.

I've been estranged from my mother for nearly 9 years. This is due to the fact that she is a chronic alcoholic, to the point where she has been near to death a number of times. She has also been diagnosed with bi-polar. There was a final straw in our relationship where one mother's day, having been gone without a trace all day, she returned home at 10pm absolutely plastered and trashed the house. The next morning she kicked me out, along with one of my other sisters who was living with us and my stepdad. I returned a few hours later to collect some things to find she had already had the locks changed. Apart from passing her in town (without a word said) a few times, that was the last time I saw her. Since then, she has done and said some terrible things and now out of all her 7 children, only one of us has anything to do with her and bless him, he tries so hard. Anyway, to the rest of the family I have always put on a hard front and made some not overly nice comments about her, but as I am getting older I am wondering whether I should try and make some sort of contact. I often wonder if I don't, will I regret that when she is gone. I have to be honest and say that life has been easier without her in it. I'm just after some unbiased advice really.

[237SJ]

It`s interesting you should say this. I was only talking to my mother a couple of hours ago about one of my oldest friends who disowned her parents because her mother was an alcoholic and her father was heading that way. Unfortunately for her she was an only child so didn`t have any support within the family. She had a blazing row with her parents when she was 18 and moved out. She stayed in touch though. One Boxing Day, things blew up and she disowned her parents for 2 years. She had to do it for her own sanity I think. Eventually she bumped into them in Tescos car park and couldn`t avoid them. She got back in touch, but made it absolutely clear to them that she would stay in touch under her terms. (basically any nonsense and they were out) That strategy worked until her mothers`s death 3 years ago and I don`t think my friend regrets how she handled the situation

[ummmm]

Personally I wouldn't. But I'm a bit hard nosed like that.

[smurfchops]

I feel that if you don't, you might indeed be sorry later x Put some feelers out

[tillyh345]

milly143

I would also have to say No...although I can imagine how difficult it must be for you, especially at this time of year...I have had some experience of dealing with this type of situation, and I think you should leave well alone. You only get one life, and its very short, enjoy your life and if you havent akready u will have your own family one day.

The upset and hell she has caused you and your siblings she would need to come back on bended knees and beg for forgiveness and promise to stop drinking before u give her any time at all. Unfortunately, that is very unlikely.

A big hug for you, because u deserve it. x

[ummmm]

Well said Tilly. Life is indeed far too short to allow people to upset you. Related or not.

[milly143]

It is probably worth saying that my Dad is great (if a little bit of a moody git sometimes) and I have a great relationship with my siblings so I feel very lucky in that respect. I don't feel emotional about it, which is why I think it's best to decide what to do now - while I'm not emotional. Obviously I miss the mother/daughter relationship we did once have but I'm long used to xmas and b/days without a word from her or the other way around.

I know she never will change. She be the way she until the day she dies. It's just the thought that I might regret not trying when she does die that is the problem.

[ummmm]

Well if you can justify not speaking to her, and by the sounds of it you can, then you have nothing to feel guilty about.

[jaydah]

Would you turn away from a sick dog ?

Compassion is a must with alcoholics/addicts, especially those you live with. Turning away does not help them.

[milly143]

There is a part of me that must want to Butch. But it caused such a huge amount of pain and upset over the years and I'm not really sure if I would handle that all that well again. The easy option for now would be to carry on as I am, just not sure if the easy option is the best option.

[ummmm]

You can't help people that won't help themself.

[milly143]

That's the thing though Jaydah, the whole family spent years trying to help her only to get pushed away again and again. Now it's just my poor brother and his wife who are prepared to keep trying. How much effort can you make with someone who doesn't appear to want the help.

[bednobs]

i always think you never know when you might need a bone marrow donor, but would go with RH's suggestion of working out how you would feel if you could nEVER speak to her again

[tillyh345]

In all relationships there has to be an element of give and take for it to work. I dont believe she has the ability to give anything to yours...

[237SJ]

My friend gave up trying to help her mother. She knew she couldn`t help her. She had been an alcoholic since my friend was about 6 years old. My friend just learned a way to interact with her mother on her terms.

[micmak]

I feel for you milly. but everyone on here are telling you of their experience. It is their experience. We all have to make difficult choices in life. I think you have already made your choice and are asking other peoples opinion to help you decide if you have made the right one.

[joko]

well given that there wasnt a particular incident that caused this...she just had a tantrum and probably went too far and felt she couldnt back down...and had to see it through...maybe shes been hoping you would make the first move?

i see no harm in testing the water...if you dont you willl aways wonder...and it may be great... and besides you can always walk away again

[zzxxee]

Its a hard one isnt it?
because despite what faults she has she is still your mum
it sounds as though she has no intention of reaching out to help
However its obviously playing on your mind or you wouldnt of posted your question.
Maybe you need one last half hearted attempt at reaching out to her, and if she is not forth coming then dont beat yourself up xxxx
Just move on with your life and love the people who count x

[NOX]

I think what you need to do to cover all bases so to speak is to determine in your own mind that you are not in any way to blame for anything that your mother might have done or said or might do or say in the future and then try to talk to her. The thing with alcoholics ( my father was a very heavy drinker and a very violent man and I went much the same way way as him so I'm seeing it from both sides of the same unsavoury coin) is that you indeed can't help them until they are willing and able to help themselves so if you do have a relationship of any sorts with an alcoholic it's not always the 'real' person that you are dealing with, it's often a drunken mess who is that way because they are not strong enough to deal with what life has dealt them without drink. They turn to it as a crutch not realising that it will in fact make things so much worse and so much more difficult and take more things away from them than they could ever imagine. BUT I do know that there is no such thing as a happy alcoholic, and on that basis your mother, whatever her faults, deserves your compassion- and even if she on the surface rejects it and you don't get the responses you want I think in the future when she's gone you will be glad you tried. I have many regrets about people I've been close to that I should have cleared the air with and didn't, the ones I tried and failed with I am at peace with.