Caring for in laws

[jb190281]

Would you be willing to care for one or both of your in laws if they needed it? Would you be happy for them to move into your house? Or would you rather they were in an appropriate care home or hospital environment?

Does it depend on your relationship with them? Or is your relationship with your spouse more important - in that you'd do anything for them, and if that means looking after their parents, so be it. Does it also depend on why they need care? Are there degrees of when and why you wouldn't or couldn't care for someone?

[k8bailey]

I wouldn't care for my inlaws, I'm not a cruel person but I don't get on with either of them that well, I really couldn't live with them. I also couldn't/wouldn't care for my own father.
I'd be willing to call in to the in laws house daily if we lived closer to help out if needed. Hopefully this won't be an issue for a very long time though as our parents are all aged between 48-55

Is this something you're thinking of doing?

[bednobs]

yes

[Rainbowwitch]

I lived with my father in law (with my hubby and 2 sons) for several years (until he passed away) and helped with his shopping. I dont recommend to anyone to live with them unless you have a very very close relationship.

[boxtops]

It depends on a huge number of factors, including your own capacity to cope. I'm not good after we have had visitors for a few days, I work full-time, do they need personal care or just someone to live with? So many imponderables - what would work for one of us wouldn't work for another.

[jb190281]

It's not an issue at the moment, but mother in law made a comment recently that she "wouldn't put a dog in a care home" which prompted OH to 'warn' me we'd have to take her in if anything happened to her

[ummmm]

Depends what's wrong with them. My Nan has dementia and it's really not feasible for her to live at home.

[jb190281]

I don't have a great relationship with her, I'm wondering if that would change if she 'needed' me? Fingers crossed this turns to be the biggest hypothetical question I've ever asked!

[NOX]

Hmm this really has got me thinking and I think it would depend upon the individual circumstances. For me I would have been perfectly happy to have my mother in law living with me as she's a great woman and very nice. My own mother I would have living with me but I'm sure it'd take every scrap of my effort because since childhood we have had a terrible relationship for very good reasons and she has rejected all attempts to reconcile that with the truth. However my main point is that really I don't approve of having one's relatives put into care homes unless there is absolutely no other way forward, it's not a morally nice thing to do, but I myself would struggle with my own mother so it's slightly a case of me being a hypocrite.

[Rainbowwitch]

jb190281 - would you be at home all day looking after her, whilst husband is at work?? You would need to put your foot down, if thats the case.

[jb190281]

Well that was my argument - who exactly would be expected to do the caring? She's awkward at the best of times, and OH sees we don't have a great relationship so who knows??

[ttfn]

Good grief jb! I don't know whether to cry for you or laugh with you? No wonder you can't sleep now. Any chance of emigrating?? ;o)

[jb190281]

I think me and little one will invest in a canoe and find our way to panama

[wolf63]

I have a friend - he and his wife took in her parents a few years back when they were in relatively good health.

He is the sort of person who did this because he thought was the right thing to do. It has gotten to the stage that they have no life and are ready to crack under the pressure. The FIL is both ill and cantankerous which is a bad mix.

My parents are both death but I warned them that I would be sticking them in a home if they got to the stage where they couldn't care for themselves.

[chrissa1]

I was just going to suggest the same thing ttfn.

[woofgang]

I used to be an occupational therapist for older people and I used to "suggest" that the family should sit down and talk honestly about what was needed and expected and what could be offered, not just at the time but longer term....sometimes it's feasible, sometimes it isn't. You have to talk about the nitpicks like privacy, choice of tv program and so on.

[woofgang]

Ps a hospital is NEVER appropriate unless the person is really really near the end of life