How do you become King

[reportmonkey]

As I understand there are several ways for one to become Queen but none of these appeal because of the drastic lifestyle changes involved or lack of musical talent.  Could anyone help

[jno]

unclear whether you want to be king or queen. You could marry the King of Swaziland. You join 20,000 bare-breasted maidens at the annual Umhlanga Reed Dance, where he often selects new wives (though he can't actually marry them till they're pregnant). He seems to have a dozen wives and two fiancees, and bought them all BMWs recently. Useful info here

[reportmonkey]

I was actually wanting the role of King, as I said I do not appear to qualify for the job of Queen.  Is there any way I could make a start.  Perhaps I could start off getting people round the office to swear a feudal oath to me.

[jno]

oh, well, I don't know if ER2 holds similar reed dances at Buckingham Palace garden parties to pick young men from, but you could enquire.

[Grunty]

You could try winning the Crown on the field of battle.  It hasn't been done since Henry VII in 1485 but the possibility must still exist.

[jake-the-peg]

Well to be king of England first you'd have to show that you've a rightfull claim.

Chanel 4 recently did a program assuming that Edward the 4th was illegitimate (not a bad assumption) and traced the alternative line to an Australian called Michael Abney-Hastings

There's a web page on it here: http://members.tripod.com/~midgley/abney_hastings.html

Now getting back to you. First you'd have to get some geneologists to concoct some similar claim for yourself. Doesn't matter that it'd be totally bogus ( Henry VII's claim was very dodgy ).

Finally you'd need to subvert the armed forces, overthrow the government and run the country with a rod of iron as King Reportmonkey I .

Of course it'd have helped if you'd done this in the 70's as you could have got the reactionary press on board by claiming to be acting against miitant Trotskyite trade unions and the recent discovery of North Sea Oil would have given you at least half a chance of keeping the Americans on-side.

Frankly it sounds like a lot of aggro to me just to be allowed to ponce about in a crown but hey it's your fantasy  

[reportmonkey]

I've changed my mind now i'm thinking of setting my sights a little higher to Emperor perhaps....is this a more realistic career path to pursue?

[elgroucho]

You should watch Danny Wallace's programme about how to create your own country. I think it's on BBC2 sometime this week (maybe tonight). Create your own country and you can have whatever title you like!

[jake-the-peg]

Oh well that's different then get an old bi-corn hat and a trenchcoat and tuck one hand in it, nip over to Broadmoor and introduce yourself as Napoleon.

I'm sure they'll take good care of you.

[Peter Pedant]

Emperor I feel is easier - more often done by usurpers.

Bokassa, who had previously been a French para - v useful for seizing power later - and had the habit of addressing de Gaulle - Oui papa, Non papa, - got to be head of the Central African Republic

Having butchered and eaten parts of his opponents - you have to have a strong stomach for Empire, reportmonkey - he then had himself declared and crowned - Emperor Bokassa I.

He also tortured - they say - little protesting school children and then had them beaten to death. Tapez-les! is a useful French phrase, [beat them]

Oh, and at his coronation dinner, he fed the visiting French President Valerie Giscard d'estaing - he's just written the rejected euro constitution by the way - huuuuuman flesh (again). I'm sure Valery picked the shreds out of his teeth before he put the pencil in his mouth. [to write the constitution]

Other than that - stragihtforward I think. good luck

[Romeo]

He who can draw the sword from the stone, shall be king of all England.

[Romeo]

Watch for the Lady of the Lake, whose hand held high, shall present you with Excalibur, thereby showing that you, by God's grace, shall be king.

'Strange women lying in ponds is no basis for supreme executive power. If I told someone that I had supreme executive power because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away' - Sorry. Old Monty Python joke :-)

[reportmonkey]

'Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. '