Being gay

[MargeB]

How does this work?

Is it that someone dislikes the opposite sex, but wants sex/relationship, so settles on own sex?

Or that their sexual attraction is funnelled fundamentally to same sex?

Or that they have characteristics of the opposite sex and thus seek out same sex as a better 'opposite sex like' match?

I have a few gay friends and feel I ought to know better what is going on. Also some of them hit on me which is not nice, and I don't know how to deal with it. Especially the ones that are still in the closet. Thanks.

[rampart]

Humans are complex things, so I suspect you are correct in all counts above.

As for what to do when one hits on you, I would do the same as when any direct unwanted advance comes: politely but firmly decline. Also, if you suspect someone will soon make an unwanted advance, you can douse that little ember by making quite clear what you approve and disapprove. Perhaps saying things like "when I get married, I hope it will be at the cathedral" or "the perfect man to me would be..." or "I plan to have children" and the like. There are plenty of ways to thwart pending advances in ways that should not hurt feelings while politely making your position known. 

It may be that your kindness toward them makes them hope or believe that you are open to such advances. So you should have empathy as you would with anyone, yet be clear where you stand.

[MargeB]

wow, hell of an insight that, thanks. I think I suffer badly from what you say in your third paragraph. I also get 'jumped': a friend tried to kiss me on the neck, knowing it wasn't on! And then it was bed time, kept pointing at the bed!

LOL.

[j2buttonsw]

Say: "Hey, that ain't my kind of love!" in a Isaac Hayes voice.

[dmsjps]

Hi MargeB, for the trickiest of your problems, I would say outright to your friends who tried to hit on you that you aren't gay and never will be. If they really are your friends they will understand the way you are (as you understand the way they are) and they will accept what you say. It will also stop them 'wondering' or 'hoping' if they fancy you.

 

I'm the same as you: don't care whether people are gay or not. When I was younger and lived in a city, I had several male friends who were gay and I got on with them as well as I did any female friends and much better than most of the males who weren't gay, because they were just so more open and 'real', perhaps because they had nothing to prove to me because I was female.

 

Just be up front and everything will be OK, you won't lose your friends.

[Tim Baxter]

Just a few thoughts Marge.

It seems that we're formed orientation-wise in the womb.  Whether it's caused by too much or too little enzyme/homonal flush or too great or too little susceptibility to the flush during the gender development stage.  We're all female initially and then these enzymes/hormones go to work to make the gender changes.  We seem to end up with a combination of brain and body and can perm any 1 from 4.  That is, Male brain in male body, Female in male, female in female or male in female.  Obviously between these 4 polarities there are millions of shades of pink giving rise to the huge variation in sexuality and attraction to others(at least that's how I understand it.)  So maybe a female mind in a male body would maybe seek a man to have a relationship with?

It makes you wonder though why most men (hetero?) find it acceptable, even wonderful, that two women can get it on but the concept of 2 men leaves them cold, as it does for most women, I understand!

How you treat people who hit on you, for me would be the same for any gender or sexuality, "Sorry, I just don't fancy you!"

[dmsjps]

WOW Tim Baxter, that is so detailed!

I was taught in school that females were made from two Y chromosomes and males were made from one X and one Y, so that's why it can sometimes become 'fuddled' - if that's how you want to look at it - in males. However, for me that never explained why some females were lesbians - but we had such questions banned 25 or more years ago because they were only just getting their heads around trying to be really street-cred by giving us the reasoning behind gay guys!

[Lillabet]

Not sure I understand about chromosomes leading to 'fuddling' Women have 2 X chromosomes and men an X and a Y but gay men and lesbians have the same chromosomal pattern as straight people of their gender. Nor has there been any sort of 'gay gene' discovered yet.

Whilst I am not personally gay - so this answer is speculative - I would say that it isn't that gay people 'have characteristics of the opposite sex' there are masculine women and feminine men who are both gay and straight.

Nor would I say that gay people dislike the opposite sex. Some do, sure, but by no means all.

I think that there is little or no element of 'choice' in someone's sexuality. Think about it. In some cultures being gay / having a gay relationship is criminal and can lead to severe punishment including death. Yet there are still gay people born into those cultures - if you got to choose who on earth would make such a difficult and socially unacceptable choice?

I've never wanted a realtionship with a woman. I don't look at women that way. Not through any conscious thought process  - it seems inherent in me. I would imagine that gay sexuality is pretty much the same. For me men feel right and anything else would feel wrong to me. To a gay women I would expect that to be with a man would feel wrong.

Even in the UK today gay people have to run the risk of bigotry and rejection on coming out. It is still the harder path to take. If there was a choice in it how many do you think would willingly make life harder?

[Loosehead]

No Tim, you are male or female from fertilisation, a sperm carries half the genetic information to the egg, the other half, the egg is always an X as half of XX is X. The sperm can be either the X or the Y of the male XY combination if the sperm that fertilizes is an X the child is female if it's a Y it's male, simple. Where did you get all this cobblers about us all starting off as female? 

[fairy!]

I actually heard we all start off female too...

[littleoldme]

Sorry for another humble hetero viewpoint, but I don't think it's got anything to do with disliking the opposite sex. Many gay men seem to get on very well with straight women. It's one of nature's little jokes - the only men who understand women are the ones who don't need to :-)

I also count a lesbian couple among my very bestest friends. One of them in particular is the perfect woman for a guy to go shopping with - 'cos she hates it as much as I do!! Not so much "does my bum look big in this?" or "is this really me?" as "yeah, this'll do, let's get out of here".She is neither overly butch nor overly feminine, while her partner is the more "girly" of the two.

I believe sexuality is purely hormonal, and not a matter of choice or conscious decision. That goes for heteros as well as gays - it's the way the dice of fate roll.

As for friends hitting on you, a good old-fashioned polite but firm "sorry, but I'm just not that way inclined" is probably still the best bet.

[Ralph]

Loosehead, your sex is determined at the moment of fertilization, but the organs do not develop until a few weeks later. For a start, check here between weeks 9 and 12.

[Tim Baxter]

Thanks fairy and Ralph.

Yes, your sex is determined at the moment of conception but does not develop into a male for weeks.  We do all start as female (there is no mistake in this cobblers) and then by chemical action are 'converted' to male if that is how the x's and/or y's have combined.

The chemical 'flush' then causes the foetus to develop normally or over-develop or under-develop.  This is how I arrive at my theory of sexuality, eg. it is possible to have a female brain (or a brain that wants to be female) in a male body which would give rise to apparent male homosexuality etc.

Testes are descended ovaries, ovaries are not ascended testes, ovaries and testes do not develop from a middle state, ovaries are 'created' and then stay or switch.  A penis is a re-formed clitoris etc.  Have you noticed the similarity between the skin of a male scrotal sack and the female external genitalia?  Get looking!  Oh, perhaps not.....

[jno]

yes, Tim, when little boys asked about the 'seam' on their scrotum, mothers traditionally replied 'That's where God sewed you up.' This is not far wrong; it's where a vulva fused together.

[acw]

Still can't quite believe noone picked up on rampart describing gay people as "if one hits on you" like gay people are objects!!!!  Seemed a bit rude to me!!

My 2d worth - a lot of men seem to think they can convert lesbians back to the "good side".  So maybe some gay people hope to appeal to people's curious side.  Either way, I still think the best thing to do is ask someone who's gay. 

PS - MargeB often claims to be a man, so don't assume that it's a lesbian woman coming on to the question asker here!!  Such is the confusion and anonymity of the internet!

[rampart]

acw, I mean no disrespect whatsoever. Surely from the tone of my message you can see that. My use of "one" is that of third person, as if I had said "one must always look both ways before crossing the street." It carries no further connotation than that. I would never ever wish to portray gay people as objects. I absolutely have far more respect for people, all people, than that.