Racial Abuse

[catsrcool]

I am white and my wife is black. Two days ago a woman who I know very well socially refered to my wife as a "fat African pig" . At the time her boyfriend said that was completely out of order and agreed with me. Now when I confront the witnesses they are all in denial. "I did not hear her say that". The very least I would expect is an apology. I saw all the witnesses earlier in my local pub and I was asked to leave by the lanlady who is white. I feel no one is on my side and my wife is very distressed. Comments/advice please.

[naomi24]

You say your wife is black but not whether she is African or not. However, if she is African then saying she’s African is not an insult. Calling her a fat pig is the insult and yet that’s not the bit you’re objecting to. Strange.

[naomi24]

Advice .... move on.

[KARL]

It is not difficult to see how both of you would be at least seriously uncomfortable with all of this. Looking on the bright side, you now know what the people, whom you previously would presumably have described as "nice" or at least "pleasant", are really like. Personally, the exile from the pub would be the least inconvenience and (again, being realistic) something of a compliment.

Referring to seeking confirmation from witnesses suggests you might contemplate taking some form of action for redress. That is not something I would consider or advise but obviously it's is your life. My advice would not be identical to Naomi's but along the same lines: Develop a better judgement when picking people you choose to take seriously.

[Old_Geezer]

I understand why you think an apology is owed but look at this pragmatically. The woman who gave the insult is probably unrepentant and not interested. Her boyfriend didn't insult you, and despite their relationship meaning he'd feel a responsibility to side with his partner, he has already expressed his disapproval, and I think that would be the best you should hope for from him. Folk nearby may not have heard, and even if they did it's an exceptional individual who volunteers to get involved in someone else's argument. The situation is pretty much as one would expect given the circumstances.

Your best course if action is to accept that you meet all sorts as you go through life and try not to let the ignorant ones get to you. After all it is only oneself who suffers by fretting and getting angry over past events. Same advice to your wife. Take heart from the thought that at least you rise above that. The perpetrator has to live with who they are and the anger/stress that causes them time after time, all their life.

Take a deep breath and put it in the past as part of life's rich and varied tapestry. You'll have a happier life by doing so.

[bhg481]

Wise words from OG.

[-Talbot-]

I don't really understand what you want to hear from ABers.

You say the boyfriend agreed she was out of order but you now have confronted witnesses ... what is the aim of confronting witnesses?

[catsrcool]

All I wanted is an apology and that would have done for me. The boyfriend is someone I have known for over 15 years. He was there when the incident happened. Now he is in denial. I have sent him a text message saying that we all need to move on and I am willing to draw a line under the whole affair. I have taken the advice offered by OG and others and will try to put it behind me and move on.

[bhg481]

An apology would be sincere; she's clearly not worth wrrying about.

[bhg481]

Sorry, an apology would NOT be sincere.

[naomi24]

Still can't see why you class it as 'racial' abuse.

[melv16]

If she is fat, the only insult in the slur is pig. I can't see any racism in what was said

[Old_Geezer]

It could be classed as racially insulting because the reference to African implies an attempt to use skin colour (the only visual that one could associate with the African continent) as if it were an insult.

Granted being called African ought not offend but having given it some thought, I think reference to skin colour, whether overt or implied, can be considered more aggressive. One doesn't usually consider, for example, skinny and fat people to be in competing rival groups; but skin colour implies different people, different tribes, a "them and us" situation.

Thing to do is refuse to play that game, not interpret it like that. Let it be water off a duck's back.

[naomi24]

^Taking offence at being called 'African' or 'Black' implies that being African or black should be something to be ashamed of. It's not. People should be proud of their heritage. Agree with the aggressor. Say "Yes, I'm African" or "Yes, I'm black" - where does that leave the aggressor? Feeling a bit silly I'd say.

[hammerman]

If any friends ever spoke to any of my family like that, they wouldn't be friends any more

I overheard a so called mate talking to someone at a barbeque I invited him to at our gaff. He said the only reason he came was because it was a free meal for him and his family. Not spoken to him since.

[Peter Pedant]

either move on or go to the police

Plan P is socially divisive and may fail as a result of witnesses not wishing to get involved

moving on and getting on with life has the least grief attached
typical lose-lose situation

wifey is the one that you had to show was UK resident when she was on holiday in France ? how did that go ?

[TWR]

Wind up?????

[catsrcool]

Thanks all.
Peter in answer to your question my wife has proved she has returned to the UK thank you.

[Coppit]

Oh for a return to the days of 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me'.
If anybody wants to call me Whitey, redneck or whatever I couldn't care less.

[Peter Pedant]

I have suddenly realised that you could not have been there when the very words were uttered
[ you confronted witnesses which of course you wouldnt have done if you were present ]

which kinda renders taking further action, a predictable failure

leave it and get on with your lives

[Old_Geezer]

I think that you may be reading too much into the phrase. One may look for support of one's version of events. Especially if the landlady has had enough of the disturbance and is telling you to go.