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CSA or not!?
My partner has 3 children from his previous marriage - 21yr old, 14 yr old and a 12 yr old. We have a 3yr old son together.
My partner is currently involved in a court case with his ex wife to claim half the value of his old property that she still lives in. This house has been mortgage free for 15 yrs so the only bills she has to pay is the gas, electric, etc. We have bought a house together 4 yrs ago and have exactly the same commitments as his ex-wife but we have a mortgage to pay also.
The 14 & 12 yr old stay with us on a Wed/Sun (overnights) & normally an extra night every week/fortnight. This has been the norm for the last 3ish yrs. We also have them more over school bank holidays or if their Mum decides to go away on holiday (normally 4-5 per year!). His ex only works of a night (a stewardess at a local "sailing club" or works in the local old peoples home) leaving the children to fend for themselves or be looked after by a neighbour after school til around 10pm of a night. We dont know why she wont get a day time job to work around the children but thats an ongoing argument. Anyway, my partner does not give her money via CSA or privately for the children. Its not that hes denying them it but he refuses to hand money direct to her as she wont even ensure food is in the cupboard for them. We have sent them home numerous times with bags of shopping. He also pays out for any clothes they need and pays half the cost of school trips. The 14 yr old now lives with us and Ive started claiming CB for him which they have authorised against her complaining. Is it wrong for him not to be handing money direct to her or via CSA .... as the kids do not go without unless in her care.
Many thanks for proper helpful advice
My partner is currently involved in a court case with his ex wife to claim half the value of his old property that she still lives in. This house has been mortgage free for 15 yrs so the only bills she has to pay is the gas, electric, etc. We have bought a house together 4 yrs ago and have exactly the same commitments as his ex-wife but we have a mortgage to pay also.
The 14 & 12 yr old stay with us on a Wed/Sun (overnights) & normally an extra night every week/fortnight. This has been the norm for the last 3ish yrs. We also have them more over school bank holidays or if their Mum decides to go away on holiday (normally 4-5 per year!). His ex only works of a night (a stewardess at a local "sailing club" or works in the local old peoples home) leaving the children to fend for themselves or be looked after by a neighbour after school til around 10pm of a night. We dont know why she wont get a day time job to work around the children but thats an ongoing argument. Anyway, my partner does not give her money via CSA or privately for the children. Its not that hes denying them it but he refuses to hand money direct to her as she wont even ensure food is in the cupboard for them. We have sent them home numerous times with bags of shopping. He also pays out for any clothes they need and pays half the cost of school trips. The 14 yr old now lives with us and Ive started claiming CB for him which they have authorised against her complaining. Is it wrong for him not to be handing money direct to her or via CSA .... as the kids do not go without unless in her care.
Many thanks for proper helpful advice
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I totally agree that we should all be on the same side and this is what Ive been trying to tell her for a long time. She puts up barriers to be awkward when all she has to do is simply drop the kids off on a Wed and Sun ... simple for her but we are doing more running about which we take on the chin.
She is not upset that she has lost her son to our home - if only you could read the text messages when I was trying to actually get her to sit down with her son and talk everything through. She was not interested in the slightest! The problem was between her and her son but her response to us was "well his Dad can deal with him now as Ive had enough - he is cheeky, ignorant and gives me no respect"! If he was my child then Id be moving he1l and high water to ensure he didnt move out - just because I love him!!
She actually agreed to sell the house when she got into another relationship as my partner said she stayed there til this happened and the kids turned 16yrs plus! The new relationship happened and she back tracked on her agreement ... telling my partner where to go and that he had no call to tell her to sell the house, hence the court case now!
She threatens the usual that if he wont have the children on specific days to help her out when shes working - even though thats her day to ahve them - then he is the worlds worst Father and she is going to the CSA about him and giving up her job. Well if she wants to play like that then he can to as he is genuinely about to lose his job!!
She is not upset that she has lost her son to our home - if only you could read the text messages when I was trying to actually get her to sit down with her son and talk everything through. She was not interested in the slightest! The problem was between her and her son but her response to us was "well his Dad can deal with him now as Ive had enough - he is cheeky, ignorant and gives me no respect"! If he was my child then Id be moving he1l and high water to ensure he didnt move out - just because I love him!!
She actually agreed to sell the house when she got into another relationship as my partner said she stayed there til this happened and the kids turned 16yrs plus! The new relationship happened and she back tracked on her agreement ... telling my partner where to go and that he had no call to tell her to sell the house, hence the court case now!
She threatens the usual that if he wont have the children on specific days to help her out when shes working - even though thats her day to ahve them - then he is the worlds worst Father and she is going to the CSA about him and giving up her job. Well if she wants to play like that then he can to as he is genuinely about to lose his job!!
tgm - I presume you haven't been in the same position with a child? I have and my attitude was pretty much the same as hers. I love my son but he was going through a horrible phase and I reasoned that he had to learn by himself that the grass isn't greener. It worked and he came back a different boy.
You can't speak for her being upset or not...you don't know how she feels and she's unlikely to confide in you either.
Your partner has the kids 2 nights a week and she has them 5...of course he should do the running round after them. She has them the majority of the time...why should she run round after her ex?
The house is her home and she has children...it may look like she's just after money but the fact of the matter is as a single parent she needs to know whats coming in. Kids are not cheap. Especially teenagers...
You do sound jealous though...
You can't speak for her being upset or not...you don't know how she feels and she's unlikely to confide in you either.
Your partner has the kids 2 nights a week and she has them 5...of course he should do the running round after them. She has them the majority of the time...why should she run round after her ex?
The house is her home and she has children...it may look like she's just after money but the fact of the matter is as a single parent she needs to know whats coming in. Kids are not cheap. Especially teenagers...
You do sound jealous though...
"ummmm" : I dont know where you are getting this jealous comment from - where do I sound jealous in all of this. This woman has no meaning in my life bar being the Mother of these kids and I dont care what she does or doesnt do - all that bothers me is the kids and their safety and feelings.
The children do not live with her full time and us two days. As per my early comments the 12 yr old stays with her Mum 5 days a week and us for 2 days ... the 14 yr old stays with us 5 days and goes back to his Mum 2 days so unfortunately the kids have been split through the son wanting to live with his Dad as he "hates his Mum and sister"!! His words!
I have not been in the same position as her but I am also not blind to feelings or anything. I have infact met and sat down with her to talk about everything - she has told me herself feelings towards her son and what a horrible person he is the majority of the time!! How do I answer that than agree for him to live with us when he asks. She already leaves them when they are in her care and they go off the rail by smoking and drinking with mates to the point the son ended up in hospital back in November after being found unconscious in someones front garden - the night she had him!! I can therefore speak for her and tell you exactly what she told me!
The children do not live with her full time and us two days. As per my early comments the 12 yr old stays with her Mum 5 days a week and us for 2 days ... the 14 yr old stays with us 5 days and goes back to his Mum 2 days so unfortunately the kids have been split through the son wanting to live with his Dad as he "hates his Mum and sister"!! His words!
I have not been in the same position as her but I am also not blind to feelings or anything. I have infact met and sat down with her to talk about everything - she has told me herself feelings towards her son and what a horrible person he is the majority of the time!! How do I answer that than agree for him to live with us when he asks. She already leaves them when they are in her care and they go off the rail by smoking and drinking with mates to the point the son ended up in hospital back in November after being found unconscious in someones front garden - the night she had him!! I can therefore speak for her and tell you exactly what she told me!
Yes he has gone back to his Mums cos he has had a run in with his Dad and that is the easy way out for him - he wont confront issues or problems with any parent - he automatically runs the other way! He just needs to grow up.
Im not jealous he has gone to his Mums temporarily or permanently - I not bothered where he lives!
Im not jealous he has gone to his Mums temporarily or permanently - I not bothered where he lives!
Don't let him come back then...
Maybe jealous is the wrong word but the financial aspect seems to bother you. The fact that she lives rent free...goes on holidays and that if he gives her money she won't ensure there is food in the house. So how does she ensure there is food in the house without the extra money? And how do you know she doesn't have food in her house?
Maybe jealous is the wrong word but the financial aspect seems to bother you. The fact that she lives rent free...goes on holidays and that if he gives her money she won't ensure there is food in the house. So how does she ensure there is food in the house without the extra money? And how do you know she doesn't have food in her house?
My partner used to give her money for the children and they were always complaining that there was nothing in the house for them to eat and he actually had access to the home then ... he could check then and even his 21 yr old son cant believe how or what she doesnt have available for the kids when he is home to visit. A basic throw in the oven pasta meal or pie is probably a highlight for the kids ---- no wonder they love my slow cooker meals!! Hence him spending the money on the children in a way of sending proper food home with them and clothing them as she probably would if the money was physically in her hand. We have money for holidays ourselves but its more the kids welfare thats bothering my partner ... I appreciate her working even though she claimed she was too unwell to work for 12 yrs of their marriage then jumped straight into a job (or two) when he left. She even made a claim for some form of benefit for that to which he flipped at when there was nothing wrong with her - can you see where Im coming from now??
If he wants to move home then no qualms with me - hand on my heart it would allow us more time together if Im honest but its his decision to which I will respect!
If she was filling the cupboards along with holidaying then fine but the holidays take priority over shopping - I just dont think thats right!
If he wants to move home then no qualms with me - hand on my heart it would allow us more time together if Im honest but its his decision to which I will respect!
If she was filling the cupboards along with holidaying then fine but the holidays take priority over shopping - I just dont think thats right!
