jokes

[DOUG666STING]

can you tell me some of the funniest jokes ever

[tictactoe]

Tony B Liar

George Bush

[wonderwoman1]

victoria beckham

[twain11]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

[tictactoe]

How soon before an ABer gets mentioned on here?

OK OK nobody is allowed to say me!! Lol

[shammydodger]

It would sem the answer is "no"

[vehelpfulguy]

This was supposed to eb the funniest joke in the world as awarded a few years ago

http://funny2.com/funniest.htm

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

[natalie_1982]

Why do girls wear perfume and make up?

Because they're ugly and they smell.

[natalie_1982]

Out on her royal yacht the Queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in time. At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white England shirts sped into view.

One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling .......
It was the Queen calling them to the yacht. On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said to Beckham, Rooney and Gerrard (for it was they) "I will give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup, but I see that my England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."
She knighted them there and then, and proceeded to sail away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she definitely knows F*ck-all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up ?"

[picklepants]

Knock knock...
Who's there?
Dwayne...
Dwaye who?
Dwayne the bathtub I'm Dwowning!!!


Love that joke - always make me laugh out loud when I try to tell it!!

[natalie_1982]

This is my neice's favourite two jokes (she is 5). I love them!

1. Why is the sky so high?





So the birds don't bump their heads!!!


Why did the boy put his trumpet in the fridge?





Because he likes cool music!

[natalie_1982]

What goes "OOOOO"?

A cow with no lips.

[natalie_1982]

What goes zub zub zub zub?

A bee flying backwards.

[natalie_1982]

Oh come on people, they're not that bad.......

Why is nobody else printing any?

[stevie-p]

Whats brown and sticky ????

A brown stick.

[stevie-p]

whats pink and fluffy ?????


Pink fluff !!!!!

[stevie-p]

Why do farts smell???


So deaf people can enjoy them.

[natalie_1982]

I like the last one Stevie - must remember that one ;-)

[naz_nomad]

What's the difference between an Essex girl and a Kit-Kat?


You can only get 4 fingers in a Kit-Kat

[Quizmonkey]

Difference between an Essex girl and a shopping trolley?
The trolley has a mind of its own

What's an Essex girl's favourite wine?
"I wanna go to Lakesiiiiiiiiide"

[bigelaine]

My dog Minton swallowed a shuttlecock!

Bad Minton!