That's What You Call A Near Miss!
ChatterBank2 mins ago
There are times when you just don't want the truth.
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be foregiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be foregiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
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Bear with me on this one for it is quite long but based on the OP.
The same pastor, having heard scandalous tales about what some of his congregation were up to, used the following Sunday to fulminate against the evils of fornication.
"And I knows", said the pastor, "that there is them in this congregation what has been, outside of Holy Wedlock, been 'a hein' and a shein'. Them what's been 'a hein' and a shein' must fall on their knees and pray for forgiveness.
50% of the congregation sank to their knees.
"And I also knows", said the pastor, "that there is them in this congregation what has been, outside of Holy Wedlock, been 'a hein' and a hein'. Them what's been 'a hein' and a hein' must fall on their knees and pray for forgiveness.
A further 25% sank to their knees.
"And I knows", said the pastor, "that there is them in this congregation what has been, outside of Holy Wedlock, been 'a shein' and a shein'. Them what's been 'a shein' and a shein' must fall on their knees and pray for forgiveness.
The same pastor, having heard scandalous tales about what some of his congregation were up to, used the following Sunday to fulminate against the evils of fornication.
"And I knows", said the pastor, "that there is them in this congregation what has been, outside of Holy Wedlock, been 'a hein' and a shein'. Them what's been 'a hein' and a shein' must fall on their knees and pray for forgiveness.
50% of the congregation sank to their knees.
"And I also knows", said the pastor, "that there is them in this congregation what has been, outside of Holy Wedlock, been 'a hein' and a hein'. Them what's been 'a hein' and a hein' must fall on their knees and pray for forgiveness.
A further 25% sank to their knees.
"And I knows", said the pastor, "that there is them in this congregation what has been, outside of Holy Wedlock, been 'a shein' and a shein'. Them what's been 'a shein' and a shein' must fall on their knees and pray for forgiveness.
Oh, bugger, pressed the wrong button too early. The joke ends thus:
Eventually there was only one young lad standing on his feet. When asked by the pastor as to why he was not on his knees he replied "Pastor, you's mentioned them what's been a hein' and a shein', also them what's been a hein' and a hein' as well as them what's been a shein' and a shein', but you ain't said nuthi' about them what's been a mein' and a mein'.
Eventually there was only one young lad standing on his feet. When asked by the pastor as to why he was not on his knees he replied "Pastor, you's mentioned them what's been a hein' and a shein', also them what's been a hein' and a hein' as well as them what's been a shein' and a shein', but you ain't said nuthi' about them what's been a mein' and a mein'.
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