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If God was a Woman
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The Bible would read something like this:-
In the Beginning there was Dark, and God said "LET THERE BE LIGHT" and behold there was light. Then God said "Hhmm, I'm not sure, can I see the dark again!
;-) dtc
In the Beginning there was Dark, and God said "LET THERE BE LIGHT" and behold there was light. Then God said "Hhmm, I'm not sure, can I see the dark again!
;-) dtc
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What if God was a She-God?
She-God created the Garden of Eden and said “That’s cool.” So that She-God would have someone to talk to she also created Eve and likewise said, “That’s cool.” But in time, Eve talked so much that She-God hardly had time to create so She-God created Adeline to keep Eve company and out of her hair and She-God said, “That’s cool, but one thing, girls,” said She-God. “Don’t eat of the ’forbidden fruit’.
“You talking about the fig tree?“ asked Adeline.
“Don’t mess with me,“ rebuked She-God to Adeline. “You know I mean the apple tree and that goes for you too Eve.” Well the first problem would be that nobody is going to tell a woman what she can or cannot eat! There was no cake or ice cream or chocolate or drive-throughs in the Garden and your going to say NO to a friggin apple?!! Don't think so. OK......so the two wood nymphs ate half the apples and most likely made jelly with the rest.
Now that they saw themselves naked.....well the jealousy started up….. like, "I'm getting so fat, why did you let me eat all that jelly??? You are a total Bi*ch!", said Eve.
“Look whose talking,” answered Adeline. “Miss Piggy with the buffalo butt!” Listening to the bitching and whining of the two Garden bimbos aggravated She-God. Then She-God had an idea!
“Let there be a mall,“ declared She-God, and it was done and She-God said, “that’s cool.“ So, it may sound strange to visualize a mall inside the Garden of Eden but how many times have you walked into a new mall for the first time and said...."This is paradise!"
She-God created she-clerks and she-managers and she-security and she-shoppers, etc. After a while all the she-workers got together and formed she-unions and had very loud meetings and strikes were called and the she-strikers carried signs that said.…‘SHE-GOD NOT FAIR TO UNIONS‘. She-God got pissed and created PMS. The mall was then devoid of sales and current fashions. The food court ran out of pasta and salad and Starbucks no longer had cappuccino. The Garden of Eden was in lock-down!
The she’s were not subdued and still they rose up in agitated and frustrated masses. She-God saw their need and from deep within the great Garden of Eden She-God brought forth an orangutan. She took the simple beast and shaved it’s fur off and fed it Viagra and commanded it to seek out beings with multiple orifices. This, She-God called “he“……and this was cool. She-God then sent it forth into the mall. The she’s fell upon the creation with glee and Gluttony. Soon the she’s demanded more “he’s” so to fix plumbing and buff mall floors and take away trash. She-God had creating to do elsewhere, so She-God commanded they create their own “he’s” and they did and they all said it was really cool.
In time, the Garden of Eden was overrun with she’s and he’s and She-God had to stop working on Mars and Venus and stay proactive in Eden. This was not cool. She-God had planned to put the she’s on Venus and the he’s on Mars but now those plans had to be put off until 2012.….
She-God created the Garden of Eden and said “That’s cool.” So that She-God would have someone to talk to she also created Eve and likewise said, “That’s cool.” But in time, Eve talked so much that She-God hardly had time to create so She-God created Adeline to keep Eve company and out of her hair and She-God said, “That’s cool, but one thing, girls,” said She-God. “Don’t eat of the ’forbidden fruit’.
“You talking about the fig tree?“ asked Adeline.
“Don’t mess with me,“ rebuked She-God to Adeline. “You know I mean the apple tree and that goes for you too Eve.” Well the first problem would be that nobody is going to tell a woman what she can or cannot eat! There was no cake or ice cream or chocolate or drive-throughs in the Garden and your going to say NO to a friggin apple?!! Don't think so. OK......so the two wood nymphs ate half the apples and most likely made jelly with the rest.
Now that they saw themselves naked.....well the jealousy started up….. like, "I'm getting so fat, why did you let me eat all that jelly??? You are a total Bi*ch!", said Eve.
“Look whose talking,” answered Adeline. “Miss Piggy with the buffalo butt!” Listening to the bitching and whining of the two Garden bimbos aggravated She-God. Then She-God had an idea!
“Let there be a mall,“ declared She-God, and it was done and She-God said, “that’s cool.“ So, it may sound strange to visualize a mall inside the Garden of Eden but how many times have you walked into a new mall for the first time and said...."This is paradise!"
She-God created she-clerks and she-managers and she-security and she-shoppers, etc. After a while all the she-workers got together and formed she-unions and had very loud meetings and strikes were called and the she-strikers carried signs that said.…‘SHE-GOD NOT FAIR TO UNIONS‘. She-God got pissed and created PMS. The mall was then devoid of sales and current fashions. The food court ran out of pasta and salad and Starbucks no longer had cappuccino. The Garden of Eden was in lock-down!
The she’s were not subdued and still they rose up in agitated and frustrated masses. She-God saw their need and from deep within the great Garden of Eden She-God brought forth an orangutan. She took the simple beast and shaved it’s fur off and fed it Viagra and commanded it to seek out beings with multiple orifices. This, She-God called “he“……and this was cool. She-God then sent it forth into the mall. The she’s fell upon the creation with glee and Gluttony. Soon the she’s demanded more “he’s” so to fix plumbing and buff mall floors and take away trash. She-God had creating to do elsewhere, so She-God commanded they create their own “he’s” and they did and they all said it was really cool.
In time, the Garden of Eden was overrun with she’s and he’s and She-God had to stop working on Mars and Venus and stay proactive in Eden. This was not cool. She-God had planned to put the she’s on Venus and the he’s on Mars but now those plans had to be put off until 2012.….
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