Three For The Price Of One
One day a woman was holding her six month old nephew and the baby kept grabbing her nose.
Her husband, thinking he was being clever, said, "Well you know Hun, babies grab the biggest thing they see."
She replied, "If that's true, you could be sitting there naked and he would still be grabbing your nose!"
Jill complained to Nina, "Rosie told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Asda with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The shelf stacker says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda, nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
No", replies the shelf stacker, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"