Aussie Jokes

[paddyk]

Bruce is driving across Sydney Harbour bridge when he spots his girlfriend hanging over the edge. He pulls up and says "G'Day Sheila - what the hell you doing"?
In a tearful voice Sheila blubs "You made me pregnant Bruce and now I'M gonna kill myself !!"
With emotion in his voice Bruce replies "Strewth Sheila - not only are you a great $hag but you're a real sport too !!!"

Aussie farmer in the outback spots another farmer carrying a sheep under his arm. He says "G'Day - are you shearing that sheep"
"No way - get your own"

What's the Australian defintion of foreplay - "Brace yerself Sheila !!"

CHAT UP LINE
Aussie spots this stunning looking woman in a Melbourne bar and goes straight up to her and says
"D'ya f*** ?
She immediately answers " No - but you just talked me into it - you silver tongued charmer

[marval]

Why did the manager hire the marsupial?
Because he was koala-fied.

A devout Australian cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later, a kangaroo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.

He took the precious book out of the kangaroos mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the kangaroo. "Your name is written inside the cover."

[paddyk]

Good one marvel. here's another gem
RIOT AT AUSTRALIAN WEDDING.
At this Australian wedding reception, according to tradition, the best man is having the first dance with the bride. However it goes on and he has a second dance with the bride and then a third one. As they start a fourth dance, the groom runs up and boots the bride between the legs. A massive fight ensues and everyone is arrested and carted off to the police station.
The police are asking the best man what happened and he says " I was just dancing with the bride and the groom ran up and booted her between the legs". Policeman says " That must have hurt".
Best man says "It certainly did - it broke 3 of my fingers!"

[marval]

That made me laugh paddy.

[tonyav]

LOL LOL.
( gotta wipe the puta screen now ).

[jno]

Aussie joke: how do you tell you're in an Englishman's house?

Because he hides the money under the soap.

[1ozzy]

//What's the Australian definition of foreplay - "Brace yerself Sheila !!" //

Hate to be picky but that's not quite right.

It's " Are yer awake Sheila?"

[tonyav]

I'm surprised that Bruce even bothers to ask Sheila if she is awake, 1ozzy ;-)

[1ozzy]

Hypothetical question Tony, a common courtesy.

[tonyav]

Ah right, lol.

[1ozzy]

Q; Why are Aussie men like wombats?

A; Coz a wombat eats roots and leaves.

[1ozzy]

Bruce comes home from the pub and sees Sheila watching Gordon Ramsay's cooking show on the telly.
Bruce says; "What are you watching that rubbish for? You can't cook to save your life!."
Sheila replies; "You watch porn movies, don’t cha?"

[paddyk]

ozzy - "Why are Aussie men like wombats" -
good joke - but I thought answer should be -
" Cos a wombat Eats SHOOTS and leaves"
(sorry to be pedantic !!)

[1ozzy]

I'l meet you half way Paddy.

Eats roots, shoots and leaves

[paudiek]

Another definition of Australian foreplay
"Hey Shelia you awake"