a few little tiitters for you this fine and warm Saturday ♥

[Bobbisox]

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking will power'


I got fired on my first day as a masseur today.

Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face '

didn't mean ' What I thought it did '

A seriously fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said

' don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually '

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'


Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be f**king lucky with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works every time!!

It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them...............Here's how it goes

' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion?

Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

[bibblebub]

Some Steven Wright one-liners:

I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.

My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

[ummmm]

Very good...lol

[marval]

lol to both